Why, hello people I love.
Before I continue writing, note that this blog is PG-13. I’m gonna talk about sex. So. Fair warning.
Picture this. You’re in the kitchen warming up supper and your husband comes home from work. He says hello, kisses you, and lays a plastic bag on the counter. In the plastic bag is book with a naked lady on the cover in a provocative pose. You get on Facebook, and you see he has liked the fan page of the book. You see that he has shared the book’s movie trailer on his page. You see that he is discussing with all his guy friends publicly who should be the actress portraying the naked girl on the book cover. He is discussing which lady in Hollywood is the hottest, has the biggest breasts and butt, prettiest face, etc. He is saying how he wishes the naked lady’s character was real. How “she” is so “fine”. How “she” turns him on. Picture that he logs off Facebook, gets in bed with you, turns on his lamp and starts reading this book- beside you. No shame. No hiding anything. Then he kisses you goodnight and goes to sleep without saying anything about any of that.
Imma tell you right now. If that ever happened to me, The Man would wake up by a punch to the throat and see that he doesn’t have any eyebrows left cause I had shaved them off in his sleep. Straight up! Some of ya’ll are thinking that’s violent and crazy and that I need Jesus. You. Are. Right.
That would be incredibly disrespectful. No sane woman wants to find out that her husband is fantasizing about someone else other than her. No sane woman wants to see that her husband is publicly putting it out there that anybody else but her is the most beautiful thing in the world (aside from his kids). It’s hurtful. It’s kills our confidence. It kills our trust. So why is it that, when the tables are turned, we act like it’s a completely different situation?
I can remember when Twilight first came out. There were 40-year-old women lined up at the midnight premier with their “Team Edward” shirts on screaming with the 13-years-olds that had shirts on that said, “I wish I was Bella”. Then there was Magic Mike. Now, there is 50 Shades of Grey. We as ladies are living a double standard. We’re real quick to call men out for being pigs or dogs, but we somehow find these books and movies permissible- like they’re not as bad.
Here’s the problem with that. Actually, here’s a few problems.
1. It’s sin. Pointblank. Sin is sin and lust is a sin. We can roll our eyes all we want to because we feel like what we’re doing is not as bad as “other things”, but at the end of the day- we know the truth. Lust is a sin. Period.
2. It condones the world’s version of sex and ignores God’s version. The movies and books have a completely skewed version of how sex is supposed to work. If you turn on the TV tonight- even like on TeenNick or ABC Family, you will have a clear understanding of the world’s view of sex. “Sex is ok if protected.”, “Sex is OK if you’re ‘ready’.” , “Sex is for fun.”, “Sex is for everyone.”, “Sex is meant to be experimented with.”, “Sex can be with different people.”, “Sex is one of those things that ‘just happens’ (can’t control it).”, “It’s ‘just sex’.”
Here’s the thing. The church hasn’t done the most awesome job in explaining how sex is supposed to work. When I was a kid, all I knew is that if I got into the backseat of a car with a boy, I’d get pregnant. If I had sex, I’d die or I’d get pregnant. That was it. Then the world said the opposite thing to me. So if my two choices are have sex and die or have sex because it’s fun and liberating- I’m probably gonna pick the one where I don’t die and God doesn’t hate me and send me to hell.
Here’s the intention for sex. Sex was made for married people. Why ONLY married people? Because sex is an incredibly emotional thing God created. It is as close as you can get to someone. It bares everything- emotionally, physically, the whole nine. Whoever you give yourself to, you need to be able to trust with your whole heart. You can’t count on that with some guy you just met. You can’t count on that with your boyfriend , because he hasn’t committed himself fully to you yet. He hasn’t stood in front of you, God, and everyone else in your life shouting to the world that he will love, cherish, and honor you (and only you) all the days of his life by marrying you. God said sex is for married people, not to restrict you and get on your nerves, but to protect you. Sex is a gift for your spouse. God doesn’t want you wasting it. Sex also creates babies. I don’t know about you, but I want the father of my children to be someone I want to be around the rest of my life. Not just some guy who was cute at the time.
Now here’s what a lot of believers don’t understand or say. Sex is NOT a BAD thing. Not if it’s God’s way. I think one reason why Christian women get tripped up on these books and movies is because they think that the world’s version of sex is more fun. That truth is (sorry Mom) sex is made to be enjoyed! WITH YOUR SPOUSE. Even as a Christian woman (GASP!). We have been taught to be ashamed of sex. We’ve been taught that it’s dirty. That’s a lie. It’s just meant to be with you and your husband.
3. It affects the heart. The eyes connect to the mind and the mind connects to the heart. Guarding your eyes, protects your heart. When you allow your eyes to be open to things you know are probably wrong, you’ve allowed even bigger issues to make their way in to your heart. If I crack the door open for a stranger at my house, they can kick the door in regardless to how open I had the door. The only way they can’t kick it in is to close it and lock that junk up. Here’s the deal. We are a curious people. We are questioning people. When we see something that stimulates our minds, we want to know more. We want to see more. We want to feel more.
Take it back to high school or college. You have a huge crush. You just want him to ask you on a date. He asks you out. Yessss. Now, you just want him to hold your hand. He holds your hand. *Butterflies*. Now you just want him to kiss you. He kisses you. Fireworks. What happens after that? Most teenagers (even really smart and well behaved teenagers) start to struggle. What can I do without having sex but is more than what I’m doing? How can I justify it so I don’t feel shame once I mess up? That’s how Satan works. It’s rare he just throws meth in a completely sober kid’s face. He starts with something smaller like pot. It’s starts with a spark. And then our curiosity grows and we find ourselves in a place we never wanted to be. It starts with a book of wordly ideas, and then all the sudden- we’re not getting what we want from our husbands, so we become unhappy with them and our minds begin to wander.
4. It hurts our relationship with our husbands. Here’s the deal. When you said your vows, you promised you’d honor your husband. A lot of women take this to mean “make the husband the boss” or “submit to his every word”. “Honor” means much more than that. It means to love, respect, and lift up. One thing that bothers be immensely is when husbands and wives are negative about marriage. I remember some months ago, someone asked if I still like being married after 3 years. I said yes. They said,”Just give it a few more years.” I reject that mess. I will not speak it into my life. My husband is a gift! I choose to see him as a gift even when he works my nerves to the core! Even when I fall in the toilet! Even when he starts sleep talking! He is a gift! God had him in mind for me before I was ever born. He created him to be my teammate in this life and has been working on him before I even knew him. He is not a burden. It is time we stop treating our spouses like burdens and start treating them like the gifts that they are! It is time we quit talking about marriage like it’s a curse rather than a blessing! No wonder divorce numbers are sky high. We get mad and quit too dang easily! We forget this life isn’t just about (ME), it involves someone else. We get selfish and we just quit.
Honoring our husbands means encouraging them. Loving them. Praying for them. Being the wives God called us to be. We laugh about reading these books or watching these movies. We laugh about how hot these men (who by the way are degrading themselves and women) are. We laugh about all of this in front of our husbands and kids. And it sends a message that THEY ARE NOT GOOD ENOUGH. My marriage is not good enough. My sex life is not good enough. My husband is not good enough. That is straight from Satan himself. Not trying to get all preachy and “bapti-costal” on you, but it’s true. Satan wants to see marriages fail. And he’s done a great job at sending traps to married couples. The problem is, we’re not protecting ourselves. Satan can send traps, but he can’t make you fall for them. He can send the temptation, but he can’t make you DO anything. You have the decision. You can protect yourself or not.
So, here is my encouragement and challenge to you. I challenge you to reject the world’s definition of marriage and to accept God’s. I challenge you to reject the world’s definition of sex, and to accept God’s. I challenge you to reject that marriage is a burden and treat it as a gift. I challenge you to encourage your husband. To pray for him. To turn every aspect of your marriage to God, not just the parts you want to. And I challenge you to share this.
Poopoo on you, Christian Grey. Jeremy Landers is the finest, sweetest, most wonderful man on the earth and I reject anything that says other wise.
Imma go kiss my husband now, ya’ll.
-HMS
UPDATE: For my follow-up blog to this one, click here. Thanks for reading!
Haley Morgan Smith is a Christian speaker, worship artist, and writer from Atlanta, GA. You can connect with her on these other sites.
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July 30th, 2014 at 1:22 am
}}i{{ }}i{{ }}i{{ Very very well said, God Bless You & Your Man and Your Ministry for God’s Glory }}i{{ }}i{{ }}i{{ So Glad You Shared this Message!
July 30th, 2014 at 7:58 pm
Thank you!
February 5th, 2015 at 11:02 pm
I. LOVE. This. Blog!
August 2nd, 2014 at 10:02 pm
I’ve read all three books out of curiosity (at me job I herd women talking about how good the books were). I don’t know why some women get into Romance novels because there really just “mild porn.” Or in the case of the Fifty Shades series straight up porn in written form. I’m not married, and I don’t have a desire to fantasize about some fictional man. I would rather God send me a real man. I don’t understand why women ,who regularly read those kinds of books, get upset when men look at material displaying beautiful women with very little clothes on. Sounds like a double standard to me. Note to he married women out there: be thankful for what you have!
July 30th, 2014 at 3:01 am
Love your ending comment! The whole read I was yelling “Preach it girl!” in my head. Then your poopoo comment made me giggle out loud! Keep spreading that word and saving girls from this tragedy of “It’s just sex.”
July 30th, 2014 at 7:58 pm
Thanks, Victoria!
July 30th, 2014 at 11:13 am
Here’s the problem with your logic and everyone else’s logic with this standpoint……you haven’t actually read the books. Some background about me before you judge. Grew up in church, am married to the love of my life whom I didn’t have sex with till we were married…..heck, I have only ever kissed my husband and I didn’t get married till 25. Teach children’s Sunday school, have two boys, my kids attend Christian school, participate in weekly prayer groups, Disciple Bible study……everything you would think a Godly woman stands for. But…..I also have an awesome sex life. I have read the books….all of them. I am not embarrassed. I talk about them with friends. I talk about them with my husband. The fault in your argument is you are boxing people who read this book into a stereotype. How about the married woman who has Married her Mr. Grey and has a strong marriage? See for lots of us, this book is an abundance of new ideas and things to try. The other problem is this book that is “unholy” is all about all the things you are shunning it for. It condones sleeping around and has a huge focus on the emotional connection. It focuses on the importance of marriage and commitment and the value of having one partner. The importance of loving someone and putting their needs first. This book supports some of the very things you argue about. See the ting this book can do is give a healthy perspective to the dorky girls who think they will never have a boyfriend and never be loved because they are not the pretty girls who sleep around and dress provocatively, and flirt. What the need to know is wealthy well to do men, don’t go fir those girls….they go for the real girls who are smart and independent and who are smart enough to sexually save themselves for the one they marry.
July 30th, 2014 at 2:28 pm
Hey Jane! No judgement here by any means. I appreciate your view. In fact, the reasons why I wrote this blog was because I read a very preachy one that used words like “unholy” and “sexual immortality and “blasphemy”. The overall point of that blog was to say that people who read these books or watch these movies are bad and gross. But it said nothing of why or how. I don’t think people that read these books are bad. I think they’re people. Just like me. And I think people have gotten a messed up example of sex from the media. Particularly teenage girls. Whether it’s popular or not, I think it’s important to explain what God’s version is- because I don’t think that’s done much in the church or the media. So this blog isn’t about judgement (I apologize if that’s the way it came across), but rather encouragement and truth Biblically. As far as people I’ve heard or seen talk about this book, you would be a rare breed as far as how you interact with it. A lot people don’t look at it the way you do. At least in my path. And either way, the imagination can jack people up. That’s why I think it’s important to safe guard ourselves. I appreciate your comment and time and hope you understand I’m not out to judge or argue or jab. I just think it’s important to be honest, even if it’s not popular.
July 30th, 2014 at 4:35 pm
I agree that Jane is a rare breed in the way she interacts with this book. The MAJORITY of those who read it fall into the catagory that Haley talks about. She didn’t say ALL and she isn’t judging.
July 31st, 2014 at 3:31 pm
Me and my fiance look at this book the same way jane does. He was excited when i read it bc it opened our eyes to new things. I hate that because me and him after five years want to try new things, we are getting shunned and told we are damned to hell for it. Not by you but by people we know. We have wonderful sex, filled with love and emotion, and its been that way since we started making love, but we also like to role play. To each their own i say. If someone wants to marry their Christian grey who is respectful to them, but a freak in the bedroom i say “go girl!” Cause she knows what she likes and so does he. Sex and experiencing new things aren’t bad. That would be like saying trying it doggy style or on the couch and *gasp* not in the bedroom is bad, bad, bad. We are people. Not all people like “vanilla, plain jane” sex. Some people like to be tied up and thats ok. If you don’t thats ok too. But too many people are acting like they are more of a person by not having read these books. If they enjoy this its not degrading because its what they enjoy. 🙂
July 31st, 2014 at 8:25 pm
Janet Banks,
How can you or anyone make the claim, “The MAJORITY of those who read it fall into the catagory that Haley talks about” as you did? I do not fall into that catagory. I agree with Jane, and I suspect a whole lot of folks do as well. No one can state such a thing without actually polling the folks that have read the book. It is acceptable to state that you believe “The MAJORITY of those who read it fall into the catagory that Haley talks about”, you just can’t state it as fact. It gives people a valid reason to not trust your word. Your word is all you have, use it carefully.
Blessings
August 3rd, 2014 at 1:09 pm
I agree with Jane. Possibly the reason some react different to the book is that they are Christian and can view it through a different filter. The ability to be in this world and not of it.
August 5th, 2014 at 3:20 am
“The overall point of that blog was to say that people who read these books or watch these movies are bad and gross. But it said nothing of why or how. I don’t think people that read these books are bad.”
This is what you said. Makes no sense. You just contradicted yourself. Although there are many women out there who are “fangirling” over the series, there are more mature women who read these kinds of books and don’t obsessed over it by comparing every sexy guy out there and taking about it 24/7. Mature women don’t do that. So don’t group every women who read this series into the immature category. Also, the way teenage girls perceive sex is not always because of media; a lot of it has to do with the way they are raised at home. So, don’t knock the book before you read it. There’s a lot more to it than the sex scenes.
August 6th, 2014 at 12:02 pm
Amy, I just wanted to clear something up for you…because it confused me at first too. I thought that she contradicted herself at first too. However, when she says the statement:
“The overall point of that blog was to say that people who read these books or watch these movies are bad and gross. But it said nothing of why or how. I don’t think people that read these books are bad.”
She was referring to the blog she had read that was preachy and used the words “blasphemy,” “unholy”, etc. in it. She was not referring to her own blog. She was stating the views of the other blog and then stating her own in response to that blog by saying “I don’t think people that read these books are bad.”
I hope that makes sense. 🙂
September 5th, 2014 at 9:12 pm
What is “God’s Version” you speak of. I was christian raised and have a beautiful loving wife, but I agree with the comment by Amy. You go to talk about the world’s view on sex then you say God’s view on sex, which is what? Being married and having one partner Okay, then how is this book bad at all. The entire thing is about a monogamous relationship between two people, the only thing I can think of is you disagree with how they have sex in their own bed rooms. If the church had it’s way, the only thing that would be allowed would be missionary position in the dark, then move to separate beds after, oh and you can only have sex to have children. Sex is fun, sex is the greatest thing man and women can share and it is also a necessity in a marriage. This is where the world’s view screw with this for women. Yes, I am a man, yes I see sex differently than women. But at some point things will have to change to make your relationship work and keep that spark feeling going. Yes, love is what keeps relationships going, but as God created us as physical beings with physical needs, sex being one of them and under rated at that. I feel; think; sex is necessary for a healthy marriage. I watched what it did to my parents after 30 years of marriage 8 kids they divorced. My father’s fault mostly for stepping out, but I can also hold some blame on my mother which had physical and mental issues(She smoked for years and years which led to her issues) for not keeping him happy satisfied and keeping herself healthy. As an example if I were to become a quadriplegic or disabled in my man hood area and couldn’t provide a sexual relationship with my wife, I would want her to find something or someone else that could keep that part happy satisfied. Love works, but it’s not enough even with God’s help. Sorry but this kind of thinking is what led to tearing my family to pieces. All but 2 of were out of the house by this time, which made things harder for myself and my younger brother, being teenager’s we were left to pick the pieces up. Yes, Lucifer can be blamed or Adam and Eve can be blamed for screwing all of this up which changed God’s creating from being spiritual beings to more physical beings. That being said, God gave us a commandment to go forth and reproduce, which is accomplished through sex, this is were our necessity comes from and anyone who says it’s neither important or not a necessity probably doesn’t or never has had a good sex life with their partner, which I will say my wife and I have a decent sex life, but she is also stuck with the churches version of sex is dirty, gross, and wrong. This had led to challenges in our relationship because it makes it almost impossible to talk to her about sex or anything dealing with sex. You ask your partner what they like what they enjoy, the only answer you get is I don’t know just you. Acceptable answer, great I know she wants me and only me, this I already knew cause she married me. Now if you can tell me in detail what God’s version of sex is acceptable, other than the same BS about being with one partner and saving yourself, that I don’t argue against. But as it with my partner who doesn’t have a sex drive at all, compared to my drive were I could want it 3 times a day, this is a challenge. I don’t chase other women, I do fantasize, but I do so about my wife so is this also wrong in God’s version. My wife has sex with me and enjoys it, but it most of the time is seems like a chore to her and not something she wants to do, except on very very rare occasions when she is actually in the mood for about 5 minute window that comes once a year. But even then, she doesn’t know her own body, doesn’t really even know how to have sex, or how to make it more enjoyable for her man, because of no drive to want to and the thinking that anything read or viewed that discuss sex is porn and refuses to learn anything. When sex is the same 10-15 min. of the man doing 99% of the work it gets boring and I would rather just handle it myself….Also, how is wanting to improve or add ideas to your sex life hurt your relationship with your husbands. I am not saying go lust for someone else, but you state nothing in this blog other than to say your opinion about this book is it’s garbage and any women or men who reads this is hurting their relationship with their partner. I read the comment you said for Amy, but still doesn’t state any of that in the blog, even after re-reading it, you have a bias opinion and any other’s view other than your’s is wrong and unGodly. Sorry, but even as being a non-denom Christian, raised in a Godly christian home, giving myself to God and Jesus Christ as a teenager, the christian view on sex is messed up and broken. I do agree that people take the easy way out and get divorced, but sometimes it is also necessary evil in this world. If your partner cannot or won’t commit to the vows they proclaimed in front of God, family and friends, that is just as wrong as infidelity and also a sin for not fulfilling those vows.
November 21st, 2014 at 8:34 am
For what it’s worth, my wife and I had a similar experience to that of haleymorgansmith. What I mainly got out of Shades was great sex simply can’t happen between casual partners.
When you are with someone you know you can trust, and trusts you, ad who will be with you for eternity, the real magic can happen. Only then, am sure.
February 11th, 2015 at 1:53 pm
I agree with you Haley, when we as women or even men are introduced to this kind of material, we are stetting ourselves up for failure, and unfair expectations of sex and love and the true meaning of a godly relationship. I think its great that you include your husbands or husbands with wives in reading this kind of material, however how long can you strive to maintain that level of sexual intimacy thats displayed through the book. you could grow tired and exhausted with trying to fulfill sexual expectations.
July 30th, 2014 at 2:31 pm
Dear Jane,
For someone who claims to know (and teach!) the Bible, your arguments are definitely not Biblical. You’re simply trying to justify your actions with worldly arguments because you know they can’t find basis on the Bible. I plead with you to repent. You’re hurting your marriage and misleading your children unknowingly. Have a blessed day.
July 30th, 2014 at 4:39 pm
Tish – I don’t believe that it is your place to plead with anyone to repent. That is between her and God. Who are you to tell her that she is hurting her marriage and where does she even mention her kids in her post? It bothers me when someone posts such a judgemental comment then ends it with “Have a blessed day”. Really? As Christians, we are supposed to show love in our teachings…..judging, finger pointing and accusing is not love.
July 31st, 2014 at 12:44 am
Janet,
I appreciate your comment. You were right, she didn’t say anything about daughters. She did mention she had two boys, but for whatever reason my brain registered “daughters.” Go figure…
Anyway, who am I to plead with someone to repent? A sinner who’s been blinded by the world’s false promises before and almost saw her marriage getting destroyed by them. I am terribly sorry for sounding harsh. I reread my comment and now I realize that my tone was judgmental and not at all loving. Please, forgive me. Both of you.
Now, allow me to express myself differently, please. I am Christian. Jesus says that if we look at someone else lustfully, we commit adultery. When you read a book that makes you fantasize about other men and how they pleasure women, we’re lusting. Additionally, when we idealize a man lustfully, we set our husbands up for failure. Not every husband is as tall, as athletic, as rich, as (fill in blank) as Mr. Grey. By the same token, I’d be floored if I caught my husband doing porn, looking at another naked woman and possibly fantasizing about her while in bed with me! I love sex with my husband. I was married a virgin, so he is the only man I’ve known. If I am in a mood for sex, I’ll fantasize about being with him. If I want to try something new, I’ll discuss this with him (flirtatiously, of course ;-). Any sexual act that only involves husbands and wives produces unity and builds up the marriage. In sum,
sex is to be enjoyed with our spouses for the glory of God. We are one flesh with our hubands as Christ is one with the Father, so why defile the marriage bed? This book may mask its evil agenda with a plot that justifies the acts performed in the it, but, in the end, it does nothing more than to flood women’s hearts and minds with ungodly motives to pursue their husbands sexually. Sex isn’t just about fun, it’s about unifying a couple, strengthening the marriage bond throughout a lifetime together.
Lastly, the Paul tells us to flee from the appearance of evil. He also tells us that all may be permissible, but not all things are helpful, and not to mention what the Bible tells us about sexual immorality time and again!!!
I still stand on my claim that this book is evil and it will corrupt Christian women’s relationship with Jesus, the author of real love. So, again, I plead with everyone who loves Jesus and has enjoyed these books to forgive. Jesus is better than Christian Grey!!!!
July 31st, 2014 at 12:48 am
Repent*. Not forgive. Sorry.
August 1st, 2014 at 2:44 pm
Hi Tish, doesn’t the bible say you should NOT judge people and love thy neighbor?! Hmmm… Maybe you should think on that as a Christian… Have a blessed day. 🙂
August 1st, 2014 at 4:42 pm
Hi, Haylie
I don’t believe you’ve read my entire post. If you have, please read it over. Also, the Bible DOES say we must confront sin in our brothers and sisters’ lives. It is utterly unloving to allow people to continue to live in sin or believe in a sin just so that we don’t come across as judgmental. I appreciate your response, but your understanding of “do not judge” is not correct. So, as a Christian, I still stand on the fact that pornography is sin, that 50 shades is pornography, and that Christian women should not be reading it. Period.
Have a great day.
August 5th, 2014 at 5:36 pm
Tish,
I think you sound harsh and judgemental. Be careful how you judge someone else heart motives. That’s all..
July 30th, 2014 at 7:31 pm
I have also read the book and I have to say that it is pretty much pornography in book form. It may give you new ideas to try, but I have heard men state the same about watching porn videos. If you are justifying your ability to read this book as a woman, then you must also justify your husbands ability to watch porn. I think most women would not want the latter, so therefore women should not read the book. Now if you are ok with your husband watching porn, then go ahead and read the book, but we must practice what we preach! Especially if you are a Christian, this is something that is labeled a sin. The book may not change your view on marriage or sex like the article states, but it is still a sin because you are filling your mind with sexual acts outside of your own marriage. and now if you go see the movie, you can actually watch the sex on the big screen. I’m sure it will be much more classier than normal porn tapes, but lets not fool ourselves into thinking it is something else.
July 30th, 2014 at 7:59 pm
Good points, Beth! Thank you!
July 31st, 2014 at 10:57 am
Thank you!! It bugs me to no end when people get one their soapbox and write about and against books and movies they have never even read or seen!!! 😠 I too have been raised in church all my life & love God w all my heart!
July 31st, 2014 at 4:21 pm
^^^^^this!!This is what I’ve been saying all along! All these women swooning over these books and you know good and well that if they found out their husbands were watching porn they’d have a cow! (and the book is nothing LESS)
Besides…did the couple in the book get married before they had sex? I’m really not sure, but I’m under the impression that that would be a “no”.
July 31st, 2014 at 6:36 pm
Thank you!! That is my only beef with 50 shades. If you’re going to read it, then tell your husband “no porn for you”, then you’re a hypocrite. My husband isn’t allowed porn because I want to be the only woman in his brain. Likewise I protect myself so he is the only man in my brain. I don’t need a book to give me ideas in the bedroom. I have a great imagination and so does he. If someone doesn’t want vanilla sex, you don’t need books or porn to make into neoploitan, simply use your brains.
September 5th, 2014 at 9:47 pm
“I’d be floored if I caught my husband doing porn, looking at another naked woman and possibly fantasizing about her while in bed with me! I love sex with my husband. I was married a virgin, so he is the only man I’ve known. If I am in a mood for sex, I’ll fantasize about being with him. If I want to try something new, I’ll discuss this with him (flirtatiously, of course ;-). Any sexual act that only involves husbands and wives produces unity and builds up the marriage. In sum,
sex is to be enjoyed with our spouses for the glory of God.”
~Trish~
Good comment, but good lord you are the exact type of Christian that brings a bad name to religion. First to jump on a box and shout out sinner. We are all sinner’s every single one of us, from the first lie you totted when you could speak till the day you die, you are, will always be a sinner. Except that fact, then you can be on the road to being a good christian. You also mentioned the Bible talking about sexual immoralities, but there isn’t anything in the good book that talks about what is acceptable sex with your partner or it was left out by the sinful men who wrote the book and edited it to their liking. As a christian, I believe what the Bible speaks of and preaches, but I also take it with a grain of salt because this isn’t the Word’s God spoke, the Bible is man’s interpretations of Gods Word, written by men who were sinner’s just like we are, then picked and parted out by the church to meet their needs. Anything in the name of Religion is sinful no matter how much good you may think you are doing. There have been more people killed on this planet in the “Name of Religion” than any other reason, on all sides Christians, Muslims and anything else out there.
“The book may not change your view on marriage or sex like the article states, but it is still a sin because you are filling your mind with sexual acts outside of your own marriage.”
~Beth~
Only if you let it…. got to love women and their one mindedness…..
“Thank you!! That is my only beef with 50 shades. If you’re going to read it, then tell your husband “no porn for you”, then you’re a hypocrite. My husband isn’t allowed porn because I want to be the only woman in his brain. Likewise I protect myself so he is the only man in my brain. I don’t need a book to give me ideas in the bedroom. I have a great imagination and so does he. If someone doesn’t want vanilla sex, you don’t need books or porn to make into neopolitan, simply use your brains.”
~Butterflymothbat~
Good point, but where does this imagination you speak of come from. Mine I remember from childhood from from reading vast amounts of books, and if you really want to talk about porn and books then you the Bible itself could fall into this classification, along with violence, blood and guts, death, infidelity, and just about everything else that happens in our so called modern society is in the “good book”. Most of you people are over thinking this, we are not meant to understand any of it at all, we can’t comprehend the magnitude of what God’s planes are. Even God sinned himself by the mass murder of the entire planet with the flood, he also realized this and said it would never happen again, repenting the wrong doing God created….So even our great creator isn’t with out fault, shoot another example Lucifer, who was created as a being to follow order’s, broke away.
God gave us free will to decide to do things on our own, but then gives commandments to live by. I know as I stated above we are not meant to understand and I know the free will is there because he wants us to choose him and follow, but I also feel that one of the only real true sins is to deny him, that will land you in hot water. Not saying the 10 commandments shouldn’t be followed or the vows you give to your partner shouldn’t be followed especially if you made those vows in front of God. But the 10 commandments are just simple common sense.
Guess as a man I will throw a monkey wrench into all you women here. Didn’t see any comments from a guy. My wifed linked me this blog post, and I got floored and had to say my peace.
God bless you all.
July 31st, 2014 at 1:22 am
Jane I couldn’t agree more with you if I tried. :). I guess we are the two in this rare breed. Btw I also have a very awesome sex life with my husband. I have the audio books and he has even listened to the book with me!
July 31st, 2014 at 5:14 am
I’m with jane on this! Y’all are making this book to be this big deal when really it’s not have y’all seen love movies that’s all the book is is a big romantic novel that’s all with OMGOODNESS sex wow! Yes your suppose to wait to have sex and that’s up to moms in the world to step in and teach there little girls those things it’s really not like moms are out there reading the books to there daughters for a bed story no we are readin these on our times and honestly it’s not hurting any relashionships hasn’t hurt mine me and my husband are perfectly fine we love each other so much and wouldn’t picture being with anyone else and of course we’re just reading a book but it’s not like we’re all in the book saying oh I wish my husband was Christian grey or oh man I wish I was that girl no we read a book and took interest in it it’s not a crime not sin just because you took it thata way doesn’t mean us other wemon took it thata way it’s all how you take it you can’t judge a book for all of us just like you can’t judge a person for everyone everyone has there own mind and everyone thinks different!!! That’s the world no one has the same mind not one maybe some of y’all read it and didn’t like it but you can’t make that choice for the rest of us we liked it and we didn’t take it as all y’all did we took it as this romantic novel that ened great two people fell in love that’s how it always is so what it has sex it didn’t ruin my relashionship and I’ll tell you something my husband had no problem with me reading this book and I had not one lust after anyone after reading this book!!!! We’re all human tho and god looks at all the sins the same and you can’t say you don’t sin because then you just sinned!! Every sin is just the same as the last!!! You can’t take one sin and call it worse then the other!!!!
July 31st, 2014 at 1:38 pm
Read the books Jane… and no. Just no.
There is nothing healthy about the relationship between Christian Grey and the girl he ‘seduces.’ At one point he basically stalks her, takes her to his appartment while she is drunk and even undresses her while she is drunk. I am totally lost how you can justify any of this behavior…. and that is only a start to the problems with this book!
August 1st, 2014 at 12:53 am
It’s not a book of porn that’s all there is to it!!! We are not lusting or even looking for ideas and if we was that’s our business not anyone else’s!!! It’s not that we’re watching or reading or even looking at porn no OMGOODNESS it has a couple sex paragraphs but it’s a love Book just like the others women read!!! This one just says they have sex OMGOODNESS it’s not a sin to read a book of sex why are you lady’s putting it that way!!??
August 1st, 2014 at 6:15 am
Paul actually commands us to judge other Christians who are found in sin in 1st Corinthians chapter 6 and even condemns the people who would not as doing wrong as well. If you are part of Christ, your sin is everyone’s business because as Paul points out in that same chapter, “your sin corrupts those around you, just as a little leaven leavens the whole loaf.”
Also define porn, what is porn, what constitutes as porn? For men it has nothing to do with story, for women its quite different. Men and womens minds work quite differently and as such what may be pornographic for one group is just a book for the other. The book literally got its start as being a smut fan fiction of Twilight and was even labeled as porn, porn for women. It is well known to be read by many women for sexual pleasure and is nothing more than smut. Is it a sin to merely read it? No, but it ought to be avoided as it causes temptation within our hearts and is dangerous. As another person pointed out we ought to even “avoid the appearances of evil.”
August 2nd, 2014 at 2:02 pm
Ok. It’s a book. Just a book. Just a narrative that IS immorally wrong. However it is an easy read, an interesting read, and in no way ever influenced my desires for my husband. I take that back. He did benefit bc when you read sexy things it makes you want to do sexy things. With your husband. I’d never ever entertain the idea of ever wanting a man like Christian grey. He’s a head case. But if you read it you would understand and have some empathy for his CHARACTER. Because Christians should.
And if we’re going to hold on to the sex before marriage thing I guess I’m going to hell because I did. And I did a lot. With a few different people. I thought I was forgiven. So did my amazing husband. And it hasn’t had an impact on our marriage. The problem with the church and the reason people like me who we’re raised in church and had this pounded into their head don’t go is that too many people are focused on what others do under the sheets and with whom. Guarding virginity is important but forgiveness is more important. Love is more important and not punishing people with words regarding their past. I read 50 shade of grey. And I’m not sorry.
July 31st, 2014 at 5:48 pm
Jane and Kimberly – So if your husband wanted to watch porn with you to help “give you both ideas” for the bedroom, would that be okay, too? I’m all for exploring new things and having exciting sex with your spouse, but for followers of Jesus, the issue this blog raises seems pretty cut and dry.
August 4th, 2014 at 6:49 am
Yours is the comment I wholeheartedly agree with. Not judgmental, just facts. Right on…and thank you!
August 6th, 2014 at 1:28 am
exactly!
July 31st, 2014 at 6:25 pm
From someone who read the book. Same here. I agree with Tara. The Word of God says in Phillipians 4:8 “Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable–if anything is excellent or praiseworthy–think about such things.” The enemy is trying to dis-sensitize us into believing it is ok. Many have a hard time submitting to God, and blame God when things go wrong, and yet, are ok to being bound, whipped in private areas, spanked, handcuffed. We are seeing so many Christians, accepting this as a norm, “The book says, it is okay, it is not so bad, because he loves her.” In that case they need to review their concept of love, because we would have a real hard to accept a Jesus who came to punish us, instead of The Jesus who came to free us, and sacrificed himself for us. I highly doubt the claims that this book made their marriage better, it usually leaves the women dissatisfied with what they have. And in our culture where we are always looking for the next best thing, it certainly translates into the opposite of matrimonial unison. Submit yourselves to Jesus people! We need to know exactly who we are in Christ, and refuse to be conformed by the patterns of this world. “There will be terrible times in the last days. 2 People will be lovers of themselves, lovers of money, boastful, proud, abusive, disobedient to their parents, ungrateful, unholy, 3 without love, unforgiving, slanderous, without self-control, brutal, not lovers of the good, 4 treacherous, rash, conceited, lovers of pleasure rather than lovers of God— 5 having a form of godliness but denying its power.”
September 5th, 2014 at 10:00 pm
Why is being bound, hand-cuffed, whip, paddled, tied up, spanked anything of that nature wrong? If that is what those 2 couples like then what’s the sin in that. Oh I see, because YOU DON’T agree with it’s wrong and sinful. So many politically correct people, who say one thing and do another. YOU ARE ALL SINNERS accept that FACT and you will be a much happier person. I am not saying don’t follow God’s word or will that he gives each and everyone of us, but saying that oh well I can spout bible verses off like a wild jack rabbit, makes me a better christian than you or I just have plane missionary sex and you don’t makes me a better christian than you. Sorry, but as long as they are both consensual I don’t see anything wrong with the relationship presented in 50 Shades. Yes a little creepy, but being a man, kinda have stalked girls I liked before I had the courage to go up to them. Just saying until you all so called Godly women on here spouting sin right from your mouth, is just as bad as anyone who watches reads porn…probably worse cause you are using God’s name to do so. YOU ARE ALL SINNERS period FACT no if’s and’s or but’s about it, no way around it. You will be sinner’s till the day you die…..The thing about the word is trying to live by it as best as you can and ask God for help in doing so, but as I said before until you can accept the fact you are a sinner you won’t be happy in your life even as a so called good christian.
August 1st, 2014 at 2:37 pm
I don’t know if this has been said because I’m not going to comb through all of the comments but when people accuse the author of this blog of having an opinion without having read the books I have a few relevant questions. When you see poop do you have to eat it to know it’s poop? Do you have to consume it? Do you have to let it into your body to know it’s poop? No. You know poop when you see it. And to all of those misquoting the Bible about judging you have also misunderstood the Bible. Instead of writing it out just copy and paste this and kick off your study. http://youtu.be/fveU7AhhSao
August 1st, 2014 at 4:42 pm
Yes, totally agree.
August 1st, 2014 at 8:59 pm
yeah, um I missed the part in the Bible about the S&M…I guess I need to go back and read that part again!
August 1st, 2014 at 11:03 pm
I totally agree with Jane and Sarah. and sarah pretty much said exactly what I was going to say. ” If someone wants to marry their Christian grey who is respectful to them, but a freak in the bedroom i say “go girl!” Cause she knows what she likes and so does he.”
August 1st, 2014 at 11:24 pm
Here is where that logic is flawed. Men could use the same exact reasoning for looking at porn that you are using about the book. It could be a married couple he is watching. He could be learning new moves for the bedroom. It’s just a movie, it’s not like it’s real!
It’s the same flawed logic. Your husband could even claim he’s not looking at it from that ‘standpoint’ of being turned on, but just as an advice column for sex.
It does not make it good for our minds or bodies. We need to edify our spirits, and purity does not stop after marriage. Purity is putting safeguards on our minds and spirits. It’s stopping reading or watching when you know that you are reading something that is not edifying your body.
It is not edifying to read erotic fiction about another man or woman. It’s damaging, on some level, even if you don’t notice it immediately. You create new desires, new expectations for your spouse that he or she may not be able to fulfill.
My heart knows that it is not good for my marriage to take down these safeguards. I’m protecting myself and my spouse by fantasizing about him and not anyone else. By not giving him anything to be jealous of, and by not giving him room to bring sin into his own life by way of fantasy.
August 2nd, 2014 at 12:10 am
Love love love your comment!! Totally agree. A sin is a sin. Including being judgmental.
August 2nd, 2014 at 1:29 am
Rock on jane – i agree! you all need to read the sexually confident wife by shannon ethridge 🙂 None of what they do in the book is sinful. I’ve been a Christian for about ooooh…….26 years now. This book actually IMPROVED my sex life with my HUSBAND and he’s the only person I’ve ever had sex with. I was also a virgin when I got married. When we read these books, we’re not lusting after Christian Grey, we’re lusting after our own husbands, imagining the situations described happening in our marriage.
I don’t shame anyone for reading romance novels and they’re not ‘porn’ – by definition porn is visual.
Keep reading Christian ladies, don’t feel bad. Don’t let anyone tell you that you need to repent or you’re sinning. Let he who is without sin cast the first stone AND you know your heart, they don’t!
August 2nd, 2014 at 1:36 am
Also – let me stipulate when I say that what they do isn’t sinful, I’m referring to the sexual acts, not the pre-marital sex. not arguing that – as you can see from my post, I’m one of the few who abstained prior to marriage.
August 2nd, 2014 at 9:11 am
Porn, by definition, is not ONLY visual. According to Merriam-Webster, the definitions are as follows: 1 : the depiction of erotic behavior (as in pictures or writing) intended to cause sexual excitement 2 : material (as books or a photograph) that depicts erotic behavior and is intended to cause sexual excitement 3 : the depiction of acts in a sensational manner so as to arouse a quick intense emotional reaction .
Fifty Shades of Grey = pornography
September 29th, 2014 at 2:06 pm
PORNOGRAPHY — printed or visual material containing the explicit description or display of sexual organs or activity, intended to stimulate erotic rather than aesthetic or emotional feelings.
August 2nd, 2014 at 4:04 pm
Does the book teach not to have Sex before marriage as your last sentence states?
August 3rd, 2014 at 2:37 am
you didn’t read my sentence then 🙂 I stated that the sexual acts were not sinful (bondage in a consensual relationship), I did mention that premarital sex is not even on the table for arguing is sinful. I also mentioned that I abstained therefore agreeing that premarital sex is sinful.
As for the definition or pornography, according to miriam webster’s definition, then shannon ethridge’s book, The Sexually Confident Wife encourages ‘pornography’. She’s a christian sex therapist and states that it’s okay for couples to film themselves in the act of sex and watch it as a marital aid. She also says that sex toys are marital aids as well. I think many of you may argue with me on that as well. I agree with Mrs. Ethridge and don’t think that either is sinful. Again, I don’t think reading these books are sinful if you treat them the right way. If they are used to enhance the marriage, they are fine. That’s my opinion. They’ve helped my marriage a great deal and brought my husband and I closer sexually. As long as you bring that energy to your husband and not elsewhere, and you aren’t lusting after others, you’re not sinning. Of course, this is all between you and God. I’m confident in my walk and I encourage others to work that out as well.
August 3rd, 2014 at 4:48 am
I think a lot of people don’t understand the misrepresentation that these books have of people who BDSM. BDSM is a very emotional and delicate thing and both people are supposed to have trust and care about each other. The way this Grey acts is very violent and un-trusting he gets mad at this poor girl he has seduced and breaks the safe place that BDSM is supposed to actually be and that is not ok and is emotionally traumatizing. These books do not paint a good or accurate picture they encourage all the wrong ways of going about it.
Heres a quick link while opinionated it is correct in things that it states.
http://www.tickld.com/x/many-women-do-not-agree-with-me-on-this-subject-but-its-important
August 3rd, 2014 at 3:52 pm
Ummmmm….
Well actually the bible calls us as Christians to hold each other accountable.
1 Corinthians 5:12-13 ESV
For what have I to do with judging outsiders? Is it not those inside the church whom you are to judge? God judges those outside. “Purge the evil person from among you.”
John 7:24 ESV
Do not judge by appearances, but judge with right judgment.”
Romans 16:17-18 ESV
I appeal to you, brothers, to watch out for those who cause divisions and create obstacles contrary to the doctrine that you have been taught; avoid them. For such persons do not serve our Lord Christ, but their own appetites, and by smooth talk and flattery they deceive the hearts of the naive.
Matthew 18:15-17 ESV
“If your brother sins against you, go and tell him his fault, between you and him alone. If he listens to you, you have gained your brother. But if he does not listen, take one or two others along with you, that every charge may be established by the evidence of two or three witnesses. If he refuses to listen to them, tell it to the church. And if he refuses to listen even to the church, let him be to you as a Gentile and a tax collector.”
1 Corinthians 5:1-13 ESV
It is actually reported that there is sexual immorality among you, and of a kind that is not tolerated even among pagans, for a man has his father’s wife. And you are arrogant! Ought you not rather to mourn? Let him who has done this be removed from among you. For though absent in body, I am present in spirit; and as if present, I have already pronounced judgment on the one who did such a thing. When you are assembled in the name of the Lord Jesus and my spirit is present, with the power of our Lord Jesus, you are to deliver this man to Satan for the destruction of the flesh, so that his spirit may be saved in the day of the Lord.
August 3rd, 2014 at 3:59 pm
The same could be said about illicit drugs. Could let you see what nothing else let’s you see, makes you emotionally closer to … I am actually concerned about your statements. You seem to be missing the point about thought life. We are to think on whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable- if anything is excellent or praiseworthy- think about such things. This is according to Philippians 4:8. I don’t see where anything you mentioned falls into this category.
August 4th, 2014 at 12:59 am
None of what you said makes any bit of sense, sin is sin. You are deeply rooted in it.
August 5th, 2014 at 4:08 pm
Again, not your place to judge. Hate to break it to you, but you’re not God. You have NO place to tell anyone they are deeply rooted in sin. Absolutely none. You don’t know anything about their life. How could you say that from a comment on a blog? I mean really? This is the kind of judgmental behavior that scares non-believers from church. We need to welcome others with love, not judgement.
August 4th, 2014 at 2:59 pm
Seriously?! They make movies like 50 shades of grey all the time. They are called pornos. Just because it is in written form doesn’t change what it is.
Would you be so quick to defend this “story” if it were not written but on film in all its’ detail?
I guess Debbie Does Dallas is really a misunderstood form of art that should be shared with all and glorified.
August 4th, 2014 at 5:12 pm
Sorry to rain on your parade, Jane, but your comment only shows that you must have been reading a completely different book.
The entire point of Fifty Shades of Grey was sexual exploration to determine compatibility. In the end the main character decided that she was incompatible with Mr. Grey, not because of some lack of spiritual connection, but because she didn’t like the way he spanked her with a belt. Throughout the book, Mr. Grey tries to bind the main character with a no strings attached BSDM contract, so if you married your Mr. Grey I am worried for you, just as I am worried for every woman who wishes their husband were the dominating and sexually exploitative Mr. Grey.
That said, I am fully in favor of the concept of sexual experimentation with your spouse within the marriage marriage, but there is no legitimate argument that the way this book portrays sex is anything but the worldly flawed version that the author of this blog has described.
August 4th, 2014 at 9:44 pm
Yes I was thinking the same thing. Thank you.
August 5th, 2014 at 2:14 pm
If you want ideas for the bedroom, go read the Song of Solomon. That will help your bedroom life out much more than a book of pornography. It will also help your Christian walk, if you let it. Quit making excuses for pornography. Your husband could use the same excuse to watch porn movies.
August 7th, 2014 at 12:50 am
I haven’t read the book or seen Magic Mike. (Sorry, haven’t had time!)… But me and my husband use to text verses of Song of Solomon to each other. It was great and very romantic. And it also kept us reading our Bible more. js
August 5th, 2014 at 10:19 pm
Diane,
I am so sorry that you still believe I am a harsh person and judgmental after reading all my posts (assuming you read them all, of course). If you haven’t read them yet, I’d ask you to please read them so you can have a better understanding of what I’m actually standing for. I have actually asked for forgiveness for coming across so harsh and judgmental, and I meant it. “Judgment” and “judgmental” are too very overused and poorly used words. We tend to classify people as judgmental just because they think differently than we do. If you consider me judgmental because I share a different opinion then who’s the judgmental one here? 😉
I don’t mean any harm, I promise. I am very passionate about this issue because I have seen too much destruction caused my pornography among Christians around me! The Bible tells us that there are ways that seem right to a man, but they lead to destruction (Proverbs 14:12-14). If you are a believer, please hear me out. Pornography and anything that even remotely resembles it is sin!!! It doesn’t matter to me personally if you think that I am bigoted, judgmental, or anything else. I’m being honest about my condition of a sinner in need of God’s grace through Jesus. God knows my heart, so He knows I don’t consider myself any better than anyone here! What’s so unsettling is that the more people think of any lady here as judgmental, harsh, bigoted, or unloving for speaking truth, the more evident it becomes that there’s unrepentant sin in these people’s lives. My prayer is for repentance for us all in whatever area we struggle with, whether it is temptation with pornography or self righteousness. Jesus is coming back, y’all. Our lives aren’t eternal. Do we want to gain our lives through unholy pleasures and then lose them, or do we want to lose our lives by forsaking evil and gain them back in eternity? I love the author’s My Husband > Christian Grey imagine, but I’ll go a step further and say that JESUS > Christian Grey. Have a great day!!!
August 6th, 2014 at 3:47 pm
Jane, forgive me if this seems harsh but you’re simply not being truthful. As a married man who has been sucked into the world of porn more times than I’d like to admit, I can assure you that your excuses are just that, excuses. You are NOT a rare breed. I know because I’ve used your logic before. All I see is someone addicted to a different form of porn who feels the need to justify their indulgence. Am I judging the Christian women here who claim to be ok with these books? You bet I am. The only difference between watching people have sex and reading about it, is when you read about it your imagination is the screen. You guys need to take a hard look at the reality of your sin and stop making excuses.
And also, just because your husband says “he’s fine with it” or whatever, does not mean that he is. We feel too.
If I’m sinning by watching things that I shouldn’t be, then you women are for reading that which should not be read.
SIN IS SIN.
August 6th, 2014 at 4:48 pm
Totally agree with you Jane!
August 13th, 2014 at 1:13 am
Hi Jane and everyone else. Check out this follow-blog. It responds to this in a littler more detail. https://haleymorgansmith.wordpress.com/2014/08/07/are-you-all-in/
August 18th, 2014 at 8:30 pm
Most of this response is absolutely valid, and a great view to the contrary of the original post. Only problem I see is that you seem to honestly believe that the wealthy well-to-do men go for women who’ve saved themselves for marriage. This may have been true in the past (I’d guess based on your presumption that you grew up in a different era), but the interests of up-and-coming wealthy men of our era aren’t really governed by the constraints of what used to be socially acceptable. I consider myself relatively well off – it feels good to be able to put a couple thousand into savings each month – and personally I like a girl who’s not afraid to flaunt a little. Most of my colleagues feel the same, and no it’s not a situation in which we’re simply playing the field looking for the next notch on the belt as most of us are either engaged or married and faithful. Oh, and I’m agnostic. Most of the colleagues I mentioned are either agnostic or atheistic. I guess religion isn’t required to have morals, and neither is being conservative. Guys want a woman who is adventurous… but what adventures each man wants a woman to be open to experiencing is based on his own sexual interests or “fetishes”. Oh, and preach on Scott Dykes, your response is awesome.
February 5th, 2015 at 4:17 am
I’ll judge. If you need a book/movie to help you with your sex life then you have some real problems. I’ve heard your comments many times over the years, usually from guys trying to explain poor behavior. Do yourself a favor and get some help while you still have a relationship.
July 30th, 2014 at 12:10 pm
LE-GIT!! This is what I’ve been talking about the last few years, and still do (especially to my Middle School girls who face the world’s views every day)! You rock 😀
July 30th, 2014 at 8:00 pm
Thank ya, my friend! LE-GIT. I’m using that. 🙂
July 30th, 2014 at 12:53 pm
Reblogged this on Trent Tibbitts.
July 30th, 2014 at 2:09 pm
Here is my problem, I am not disagreeing with what you have written but we as humans have the dream of having a relationship to where we are loved more than anything. Marriage is a 2 way street. We choose to fall in love everyday with our spouses. Reading is an escape for me. Watching people fall in love always reminds me of when that happened for me. Marriage is love but sometimes we loose that first feeling you get. You have bills, kids and responsibility. Some women like to jump into someone else’s life. Just like men like to jump away and play video games or jump into sports. We are 2 different people that sometimes we need a break from what life brings us. I can not judge, I am not the person to do that but my life has been a constant roller-coaster. Read Job- I have suffered yet I praise GOD through it all. I read sometimes to relive grieving and pain. Not saying this book is the right book to read but WE can not judge those that do.
July 30th, 2014 at 2:56 pm
Hey Heather! Honestly, when I read your post it compels me to pray for you because it seems like you’ve got a lot on your heart and mind. I may be way off on that. My first year of marriage was weird. I don’t know if everyone’s is like that, but for me there were times when I thought,”For real, God? Is this the way it’s going to be?” So not that I completely have experienced what you have experienced, but I do know what it feels like to be confused or “unhappy” per say. I understand your point. I still think it’s really important to safeguard ourselves, especially in the moments where there is a lack of something. It’s important to make sure that the sources we turn to are solid, ya know? Either way, I’m really glad you wrote and I’m praying for your journey. Pray for mine, too. We all need each other.
August 1st, 2014 at 1:48 am
There are many, many great Christian romance writers in the market now. They show great examples of what true love and marriage are meant to be. And in the process, are very inspiring for the women that read them.
August 1st, 2014 at 2:42 pm
But we can judge their behavior. Should Christians Judge Others?: http://youtu.be/fveU7AhhSao
July 30th, 2014 at 2:50 pm
I will be married for 43 years next month. My husband has respected me, loved me, and has been the 2nd best gift God has given, 1st being salvation. Yes, I pray for him, but he also prays for me. We are in our 60’s and still enjoy being “young” in all we do together. I pray that all ladies could have a marriage like I have! thanks for sharing your blog about 50 shades of grey! I totally agree with every word.
July 30th, 2014 at 7:57 pm
Very cool, Janice! Congrats on 43 years of marriage. That is incredible!
July 30th, 2014 at 3:38 pm
You killed it! Honestly, you’ve taken all that’s been in my head and on my heart and plastered it on the walls of cyberspace for everyone to see in a way that I couldn’t, but oh, so desperately wanted to. [I hope that makes even a wee bit of sense.] Your message is so timely and yet so timeless. I cannot wait to share your words with others on my blog and on social networking sites. It’s a message that needs to be shouted from the rooftops, and I applaud you for taking such a bold, poignant approach to this hot-button topic. Many blessings!
July 30th, 2014 at 7:58 pm
Thank you, my friend! Blessings right back to ya!
July 30th, 2014 at 3:48 pm
You rock. Call sin, sin. Jesus never said “don’t judge” he said JUDGE RIGHTEOUSLY, which is exactly what you did of this book/movie. Great job.
July 30th, 2014 at 8:00 pm
Thanks!
July 31st, 2014 at 2:04 pm
There you go. Well said. To the point. Judge Right. A friend of mine and her husband read exotica. Well…they went on a vacation and there were lots of ruddy, men around and guess who was feeling down? The husband. Because the wife reads exotica, now she got to visually see it. This made her husband feel insecure. Sin is never a solution to a problem. Why doesn’t ones husband turn them on and why does one need ‘more’. We live in an overly sexual society.
July 30th, 2014 at 5:45 pm
I am saving your picture to make my Facebook banner (with your name still on it)!
July 30th, 2014 at 8:01 pm
Woot woot!
July 30th, 2014 at 6:10 pm
Loved reading this! I love the fact that you took it a step further on marriages and not just focused on the book. We must respect our spouses in every moment of our marriage. Thanks for the good words of truth! Can’t wait to get home from work to love on my husband! 🙂
July 30th, 2014 at 8:01 pm
Give him a big ole kiss!
July 30th, 2014 at 6:33 pm
This is so awesome! Well stated! : ) I Love my husband : )))
July 30th, 2014 at 8:01 pm
Thanks, Michelle!
July 30th, 2014 at 6:55 pm
“Sex is no bad. Not if it’s God’s way.”
What exactly is God’s way? If the characters in the book (I’ve not read the books, so I’m not sure exactly what their names are, but I have read a deconstruction of the book) were married at the beginning, then would the kinky sex be okay? I’m just having hard time grasping exactly what you meant by “God’s way”
July 30th, 2014 at 7:37 pm
Hey there! Sex God’s way is married sex. With one person that you’ve vowed to spend the rest of your life with. Like you, I haven’t read the books but have read and heard deconstructions. Initially, the main character is a college girl who has sex with the Christian Grey character, but strictly sex. And it talks about their sexual encounters pretty explicitly. The issue with the book is that it puts sex in a light that isn’t what it’s made for. It’s not just a strictly physical, or “hook-up”, or “I love you, so let have sex.” kinda thing. I believe 100% that sex is a good thing (wild or not)- if you’re married and if you understand that it is a bond between you, your husband, and God (because he gave that gift to you). Does that make sense? I feel like I’ve said sex a bajillion times to you. My apologies. Haha. 🙂
August 2nd, 2014 at 10:35 pm
Yes but even if the two main charcaters were married in the book it would still be bad because you are lusting about someone elses sex life. I read it mostly because I was confused. How can a boom about s and m be so attrative to women. My experience with the book was isort of took the sex with a grain of salt and even skimmed over some parts. I just took it as any other romance novel from there. It didnt make me lust after anyone else or become disatisfied with my boyfriend. I think if someone has a marriage that iant doing well this can cause a woman to judge her man and feel he is inadiquate. I think for strong marriages his can be a good thing and give ideas for couple to do together. I think trying new things can help keep the relarionship feel fresh. Same as anything between a couple. If you do the same activities everyday or eat the same food everyday when you try something new it breaks up the routine and makes you feel fresh and new.
August 4th, 2014 at 9:43 pm
Anyone that thinks this series of books is about sex has not read them. Anyone that read just the first one will probably think the books are about sex. I wouldn’t call the writing extraordinary but the love story told in it definitely us. Ana is a shy, innocent college girl who meets Chrustian while doing a favor for her roommate and they both feel something never felt before. He’s always been just sex and I think she’s a virgin to begin with. Despite his desire for bondage which you eventually determine to be a pathological move to avoid real intimacy, the character created by the author is extremely generous and caring who’s got no idea how to show it. By the second book, it’s obvious to the readers that Christian loves Ana more than himself though she doesn’t know. These books are so popular not b/c they’re like porn. No porn movie I’ve ever seen(yeah not all woman think watching porn in moderation with someone very special is wrong- I’ve only watched porn with my two former fiancés and it had nothing to do with why we didn’t get married and watching it was my idea both times not theirs) has a plot or a love story like this. The reason women are so drawn to this series( cause it ain’t the author’s literary abilities) is b/c it allows women to imagine they can have the best of both worlds: a man that makes them go weak in the knees and that fulfills their physical needs, wants and desires AS WELL AS a man who puts them on a pedestal and loves and worships them and it’s the SAME MAN! we. An usually find one or the other but most women’s fantasy is to have both in one man and to both be with him and actually want to be with him forever. Ana and Christian aren’t together out of obligation or financial need or for the kids, etc. It’s a fantasy. If a woman reading these books or a man enjoying porn on occasion( I don’t mean guys that sneak it and hide it and watch it often or have to watch it to have sex with their partner; that’s a major issue) causes them to disrespect their spouse or actually want to have sex with someone other than their spouse, that marriage has so many larger issues. It’s easy to blame these books or porn for a couple not honoring each other but any marriage that is diminished cause the wife reads some erotic novels or the husband spends like 1% of his time watching porn was not a strong marriage in the first place. The majority of the women I know that read the series wanted to share it w/ their partners I don’t know anyone that wanted to cheat cause of it. The only difference between 50 shades and the regular romance novel is the intro of the bondage( which Christian never forces any women much less Ana to do). Obviously I’m a “sinner” and engaged in pre-marital sex( I’m still not married and don’t have kids b/c I can’t see having them alone though I’m running out of time age wise) and I don’t feel guilty about that. Incompatible sex lives and sex drives are HUGE reasons why people both cheat and divorce so it’s not real practical to buy the car without a test drive.
Haley, I do acknowledge your take on this subject is more practical than most people with your general opinions. You don’t come off preachy which you said was a goal and I do agree a lot with your analogy about opening the door a little and having it kicked in. I have a cousin that’s 12 who I’m terrified will following her mother’s footsteps by having 4 kids with 2 different losers(the first at 17) and has brought home a revolving door of thugs ever since. She’s beautiful and sweet and trusting and has always gotten less attention than her poorly behaved younger brothers which is going to make her ripe for both predators and regular boys out for one thing. Her mother is in no position to counsel her cause she works constantly just to pay for a trailer and her loser boyfriend babysits them more than she mothers them. I did convince my aunt(who is the 12 yr old’s grandmother) to tell her daughter that TT( that’s the 12 yr old’s nickname) needs to go on birth control ASAP now that she’s physically capable of becoming pregnant. Her mother agreed. She’s not with anyone or anything but I just know she’s the type of girl that a predator could groom and that may look for attention in the wrong manner and places and I don’t want her to pay for a mistake for the rest of her life like her mother did. I may use your analogies to talk to her about waiting( I do wish I had waited until I was older and with someone deserving). A first time that’s emotionally traumatic can scar a girl for life. I know firsthand that it never leaves you and affects your future relationships and I regret everything about mine.
August 1st, 2014 at 6:29 am
Hey! I read this and though Hailey gave a great answer, I think I want to elaborate a bit more why it is “sex in marriage, not sex out of marriage.”
Marriage as described in scripture is the union between two individuals into one individual and is often used as an example of salvation into the Body of Christ, aka into the Church. Just look at examples as Paul gives where it describes Christ as the head of the Church just as the Husband is the head of the Wife, and how our relationship with Christ is often shown as Him being the Groom and us being the Bride. It is important to realize this strict relation of Marriage and our relationship with Christ when relating to sex, because sex is an act which shows the combining of two individuals into one, with the creation of life, a child. In this relation we see a union which represents our relationship with the Creator. To degrade sex into anything less than between a man and a wife, is essentially to pervert our relationship with God which Marriage represents.
I hope this helps : ).
July 30th, 2014 at 7:35 pm
The last statement on your blog you say poopoo on you Christian Grey, as if he is a real person. there is nothing wrong with this book. it’s not real. you know nothing about other peoples relationships to makes statements about how this book will ruin marriages. i know from experience as well as my friends who have read this, it has actually helped their relationship. and you say “sex is not supposed to be fun.’ please, that is one of the reasons for sex – to be intimate and allows you to exppress yourself to your partner, and have fun! i am assuming you must have a pretty boring sex life and the basis of the blog i can only assume, which you have done about all women who have read this book, you sex life is boring and you are jealous of the what goes on in the book and only wish you have that yourself. you judge other people in this blog. and you are a christian? isnt christianity about loving everyone and not about judging? well shame on you!
July 30th, 2014 at 7:55 pm
Hi Emily! Thanks for writing! A couple of things I just wanted to clarify. I promise, cross my heart, hope to die, stick a pencil in my eye that I didn’t say and will never say, “Sex isn’t supposed to be fun.” I wouldn’t be able to say that with a straight face. I’d giggle. My husband is too dang good looking. Sex IS supposed to be fun, with your husband. There’s a difference in judging and being hateful and then speaking honestly with respect. My heart isn’t to tell people that they stink or that I’m better- because that’d be a lie. My heart is to tell people the truth about sex, because we have got it twisted. Being a Christian IS in fact about loving people but also pointing them to Jesus in a loving away- even if it’s not popular or welcomed by some. Hope that makes sense. I think it’s completely fine to disagree. We learn more from each other that way. It’s just important to be respectful when doing so.
August 4th, 2014 at 7:03 am
This is a beautiful answer.
July 31st, 2014 at 6:44 pm
You accuse Hayley of making an uninformed statement, and yet you do the same, by judging her personal relationship with her husband. I suggest you read Song of Solomon, which if you understand it, will show that Christian’s sex life does not need to be boring at all. Pray
July 30th, 2014 at 9:06 pm
I totally agree with you about everything, including the shaved eye brows and being punched in the throat. LOL! But really, my husband is my “dream man” and there is no man that can take his place. Lance, my husband, is my gift from God and mo other man can hold a candle to him.
July 30th, 2014 at 9:16 pm
Incredible words – it’s like you took them right out of my mouth. Thank you for publicly standing so tall and confident in God. I pray He blesses you in your marriage for as many years as you have in ya 🙂
July 30th, 2014 at 10:02 pm
I loved your words on this! As a Christian mom, youth leader, and praise and worship member in my church, I felt that it would have been detrimental to my walk with Christ to have read these books. Also, I am an avid reader, book editor, and middle school teacher, so I have to be constantly aware of the messages and impressions that I make on young minds (not to mention that of my 13 year old daughter). I would not want my daughter reading and believing and basing her relationships on these books any more than I would want my 17 year old son basing his ideals on pornography or Playboy “articles.” Not to mention the fact that these books simply are NOT good literature! They were written in the beginning as a fan fiction off shoot of Twilight, and they read as if a teenager penned them. Personally, I believe that we as married Christians can spice up our sex lives without watering down our morals or cluttering our minds. Regardless, I know that not everyone will agree with my view, Ms that is absolutely fine. Belief is a very strong part of our being, and isn’t usually changed by a comment from someone else. But I do believe it is important to let others know when they have written words that resonate with our hearts; it can serve as confirmation. From God that we were on the right track. So I agree with you, and raise you a poo-poo on The Shades of Gray!!
July 30th, 2014 at 10:56 pm
Just curious, if the writer of this blog has read the “50 Shades of Grey” trilogy from start to finish or did she write this from what she has “heard” about the books? Notice I said books, as in all 3?
July 31st, 2014 at 3:43 am
I read a part a friend showed me (which is part of the reason I wrote this blog) and I’ve read a synopsis/generalization just get some sort of grasp on the storyline. I won’t read it for the reasons I wrote about. The main reason I wrote the blog was the reactions I’ve seen. Thanks for writing!
July 31st, 2014 at 11:09 am
I could tell by what u wrote that you had not read them. There is SO MUCH more to these books than the “sex”. Yes, there is some very detailed sex going on, but it’s actually a beautiful love story about a good woman loving a man enough to stay w him and help him learn how to love & show him a love he had never knew before which leads to marriage & children. Don’t get me wrong, not saying it’s a “clean” series but I am saying there is so much more to it & that it was VERY obvious, when reading your post that you had not read them.
July 31st, 2014 at 8:15 pm
If you saw me put a SMALL piece of dog poop in some brownies….would you eat them? I mean, c’mon, there’s a bunch of other ingredients in there, you probably won’t even be able to taste the poop!
I hope the answer would be no! When we allow even a tiny bit of something sinful into our radar with the justification that it isn’t ALL sinful, we’ve opened the door for more to come in whether we like it or not. I’m in the process of weeding out things in my life that are not God-honoring, and a good way to check myself is by seeing how quickly I can come up with a justification for it. For example, there’s a TV show I really like to watch and we have a couple seasons of it on DVD. It’s hilarious….I like it a lot, and we watch it frequently. All the sudden I’m hearing this still, small voice reminding me that some of the content of the show isn’t appropriate for me to be watching…..and BOOM, just like that, I had come up with multiple “yes, but….” reasons why I should keep it going. Yikes! Hard to do, but I’m finding that it’s VERY worth it!
August 3rd, 2014 at 2:48 am
I was about to say – about your poop in the brownie point. If that holds true for all media, then you can’t watch any movies or tv shows. i honestly can’t think of any tv shows on air right now where there is a healthy relationship between a husband and wife not tainted by divorce, cheating, or premarital sex. Movies are even more of a lost cause.
August 5th, 2014 at 2:35 pm
You have a good point! I don’t really think there’s anything wrong with abstaining from media altogether. I realize some people think that’s horribly unrealistic….but is it really? There isn’t much in the way of media/entertainment out there that really enriches our lives…..mostly we use it to fill in the gaps when we’re bored. (I’m especially thinking of TV here.) What would happen if we turned off the tube for a week and focused on other things? Teaching our kids something new, playing games or trying something new as a family, spending time reading the Bible and praying…..the possibilities are endless, but it’s hard to see beyond the TV sometimes (maybe because they’re so big now! haha).
July 30th, 2014 at 10:57 pm
Thank you so much for posting this. This blog is rich with biblical wisdom and truth. I am both impressed and convicted — thank you!
The main reason I wanted to leave a comment, however, has nothing to do with the blog itself, it’s about the comments. I want you to know how encouraged I was to read your responses to (sometimes nasty) disagreement comments. Your ability to stand for Biblical truth while remaining gentle and kind is a rarity, and it is an area in which we all could use some growth. I obviously do not know you personally, but from your words, I can see how you reflect Jesus Christ. Thank you for that, sister.
July 31st, 2014 at 3:16 am
Thank you, my friend. I appreciate and need the encouragement.
August 2nd, 2014 at 3:37 pm
Agree one thousand percent! Haley, you are an awesome and amazing role model for all of us as christian women! You handle attacks and criticism in a wonderfully graceful and loving way. THANK YOU for being a shining light in a world of darkness!
August 4th, 2014 at 6:46 pm
I completely agree with this comment. Speaking the truth in love is a gift of this blogger.
July 30th, 2014 at 11:12 pm
Coming from a former porn addict, thanks for calling this book what it is: porn. I’ve seen a porn or two in my life (by that I mean many) and from everything I’ve heard about this book it seems EXACTLY like many of the scenarios portrayed in those movies. I suffered tremendously while caught in the vice of addiction to porn and I know how costly it can be to “dabble” in something that seems innocent. Ladies, take this from someone who knows: the net of pornography is being spread over this culture in a way that not only captures men, but also women now. Books like this are the beginning.
As it turns out, nobody likes double standards and this is a big one. I also see the evolution of how this stuff has become more mainstream with Twilight and Magic Mike being the forebearers. Anything that distracts us from God’s truth about human relationships of all types should be avoided for our own good. I can promise the ladies who read this that replacing your husband with the fictional characters in this book is a process that happens too slowly and quietly for you to see. That is exactly how Satan works against us: in ways we often cannot see (because we are limited, mortal, finite beings). That’s why you’ll think to yourself that nothing serious is happening when really the seeds of discontent are beginning to grow. It is a process that is as silent as it is lethal.
July 31st, 2014 at 12:37 am
Thank you for this post, Nathan. From what I have seen many men have porn addictions. Many Christian men have porn addictions. In fact, I don’t know ONE single friend who hasn’t dealt with her husband having this problem! It’s epidemic and quite honestly, I haven’t seen anyone doing anything about it in the church. I have seen it destroy marriages. I have seen it severely damage marriages. My problem here lies in the fact that no one gives a crap that men are doing porn except for women. Other men are afraid to confront men about it because they are all guilty. And I think that is why we are starting to see women reading books like this and seeing films like this. Why not? Why not read a book about this fantasy, albeit sick, life? The husband certainly doesn’t care enough to stay away from his fantasy worlds. I haven’t read this book. I think it’s cheap, and I choose not to read cheap hollow stories. And I don’t really need any new ideas like one reader suggested. Good grief. I think they could get enough ideas just by watching TV commercials these days. My husband and I have good imaginations. However, if I DID choose to read this book, I would dare him to say anything about it. Sick of the double standards. And I think many women are. Men producers are the ones who started using women as sex symbols to being with in Holllywood. They tell them they have to look a certain way, behave a certain way, etc. This is the fallout. And I know that my son is not safe from any of it. I know because I have asked the ministers how they plan to handle this topic. The answer was, “We’re not.”
July 31st, 2014 at 3:09 am
Really great points. A few weeks ago I worked at youth camp and a speaker talked about porn and masturbation with the young guys in the audience. Everyone grew silent, and some people were even offended. But at the end, during the invitation, I have never seen a response from young men like that. Chains lifted. It needs to be talked about. Thanks for writing.
July 31st, 2014 at 6:53 pm
Dee,
“My problem here lies in the fact that no one gives a crap that men are doing porn except for women.”
It is immensely frustrating that the church hasn’t come forward to confront this issue in the way it should, but pornography addiction presents some unique challenges. Namely, not many people understand its severity and tend to address it more condescendingly than, say, an alcohol addiction. Everyone is “interested” in sex addictions of all types, but few have the proper perspective about the subject to be able to confront it.
In my own recovery I’ve discovered that it is difficult to find people who are both knowledgable enough about porn to address the full spectrum of its effects (physiological, psychological, emotional, spiritual) AND do so in a way that is loving and actually leads to recovery instead of condemnation and a retreat further into addiction.
It’s difficult to address porn openly for so many reasons that I hesitate to begin listing them. For one, most people who struggle with it live in a near constant state of denial (many responses to this blog post are classic examples of the kind of denial I’m talking about). They haven’t assessed their own situation/beliefs honestly and so find it difficult to listen to others who do. Although this is a problem when confronting any kind of sin, I have found it to be a MAJOR obstacle when addressing pornography. It has certainly restricted my own ability to overcome addiction in the past.
I don’t disagree with you that the church as a whole needs to develop procedures for addressing sexual sins of all types including heterosexual sex outside of wedlock, pornography, and homosexuality as opposed to just avoiding these topics. I only add a few comments about why that has been difficult in the past based upon my own experience as a recovering sex addict.
August 1st, 2014 at 3:44 am
God bless you for writing this. Agree with every word. It needs to be talked about, totally agree!!
August 4th, 2014 at 10:54 am
This response may very well never be read but I had to say something. I am a 26 year old married woman and I struggled with a serious porn addiction for a good 10 years or so. Its not just an epidemic that men deal with. There have been a few studies done, I believe, that show that 1 in 3 women struggle with porn. Dee your response sounded very angry and I think that the whole up yours attitude is one many women have and its one that can be very destructive. Nathan has such great insight. A) most people who are porn addicts do it in secret and others have very little idea that it is even going on to confront it. B) like Nathan said that if it was known that that was a struggle then most people don’t have the tools to help others out with it. I decided, after three years of being free from porn, to share that I had that struggle in my life on my blog. I was tired of being so freeking ashamed of something that God had miraculously delivered me from. I wanted to share this victory with others. You would not believe the response I got from that. Men and women alike began to come to me and share with me and ask me to help keep them accountable so that they too could have victory over this bondage in their life. I guess my point is that people who deal with porn addictions, especially Christians, are shamed into total silence that is deadly. Because of responses like yours people clam up and go on living a life they hate but can’t find freedom from because they are afraid that anyone they talk to will jump down their throat, condemn them, and then really do nothing to actually help. I have first had experience with that with a whole lot of Christians. People get uncomfortable with the thought of porn and other being addicted to it and so they tend to have a response of, “Shame on you. How could you? I would never do that. how could you? you really should get better acquainted with your Bible.” and then they just walk away. So to your point, Christian men are TERRIFIED to be honest and open with other Christen men and seek help and council because usually being open about a porn addiction just leads to more shame, guilt and even “shunning” by others. So when someone gets all bent out of shape that men have this issue and that its an epidemic and that woman want a fair slice and are sick and tired of the hypocrisy all I can say is how incredibly selfish and sinful. We should never stop trying to pull our fellow brothers and sisters out of the mire and up closer to God. We should never say, “I’ve had enough of this hypocrisy so I’m going to sin all I want in this area.” we should never stop praying for them as we seek to be closer in relationship to God. EVER.
July 31st, 2014 at 3:15 am
Nathan- Not sure if you’re in ministry, but you need to be. Men and women need to hear your story. Especially young men. Really amazing. I’m up for you to guest blog, anytime. Thanks so much for sharing.
July 31st, 2014 at 5:55 pm
Not in the ministry but up for guest blogging, just let me know.
August 1st, 2014 at 6:40 am
Nathan, I’m right there with you, for most of my teen years I was a porn addict, and still struggle with the temptations from time to time. Most of the things which drew me back into were things like curiosity or “this seems innocent enough,” though overtime it would consume me and even draw me further into the world of which I was avoiding. It is also what essentially brought me into my porn addiction. It has ravished my mind and ruined my perceptions on many thing, has made me weaker and not uplifted me at all. And like you most of what I have heard and tid bits I have read from this book are porn, and a danger to not only our relationships and marriages but of our Christian faith in Christ. Thank you for sharing and the encouragement that was given in this post. May God bless you and keep fighting the good fight : ).
July 30th, 2014 at 11:28 pm
Soooooo unrealistic. I feel stifled just reading this… yikes!!!!!
July 30th, 2014 at 11:34 pm
Oh my goodness. It is a BOOK and you are reading way too much into it. If you don’t like the book, don’t read it. But, don’t categorize those who choose to read it! I have read all three books and in no way has it affected my relationship negatively or my faith. If reading this book were to affect a marriage or relationship, that probably means there were already insecurities or problems prior. I know plenty of good Christian women who have read this book, loved it, and still have a healthy and supportive relationship with their significant other. And to suggest that reading this book is equal to looking a playboy or pornographic pictures is just ludicrous. It’s a fiction book. Take it for what it is. I think your overall view is far fetched and reaches pretty far out there. But, to each their own!
July 31st, 2014 at 2:12 am
Yes!!! Thank you, very well said!
July 31st, 2014 at 3:41 am
Hey Claire! I appreciate your post. Not sure if you can read a guy named Nathan’s post on here, but if you can check it out. Thanks!
July 31st, 2014 at 4:34 pm
I can’t say much about the previous comments before but I don’t see how reading about sex in explicit details is any less than watching it played out except that your imagination does the work for you.
August 1st, 2014 at 2:35 pm
Oh my goodness. It is a BLOG POST. If you don’t like the blog post, don’t read it. Sound familiar? And yet, you did read it and comment on it.
Also, to argue that erotica is not porn kind of highlights the point Hayley was trying to make: that somewhere along the way, we, as a society, have been chipping away the layers of sin until we find an acceptable level. Since we aren’t watching actual real people, it’s fiction, right? Well, so is porn. Anything and everything that happens in a pornographic video or photo shoot s fiction. And you can’t have your cake and eat it, too. Yes, everyone sins, and no sin is greater in God’s eyes. But that doesn’t mean we, as Christians should just accept the sins in our lives.
Thanks for this thought-provoking article, Hayley!
July 30th, 2014 at 11:46 pm
BRAVO!!! Thank you for posting!
July 31st, 2014 at 3:40 am
Thanks!
July 30th, 2014 at 11:50 pm
Girl you totally stepped on my toes! But you know what I needed that kick in the butt in a bad way. I read the books and couldn’t get enough of them but was totally convicted that I should not be reading them. Sex is good and fun with my husband and I do Thank God for him but I have to be honest and say I was kinda mad at him while I read these books thinking why don’t you do that or say that! Not good I had to get back to reality!
July 31st, 2014 at 3:10 am
Wow, I appreciate your words and honesty. Thanks, Lori!
August 1st, 2014 at 11:37 pm
I too read these books and later felt convicted. For me, it was sort of like reading porn. I am only 17, so I am in a different walk of life than most who are commenting. I think an intention of this post was to inform young single ladies that reading these books COULD (there are exceptions) skew our perception of what our future sex lives should be. As a single young woman, I read this book not to find ideas or anything, but just because it was popular. After reading them, I realized that by reading the books, I was lusting. Haley, I appreciate your words of wisdom. Thanks for sending the message to young single women that reading these books can be a sin.
July 31st, 2014 at 1:05 am
Thank. You. Coming from someone who was formally married to a porn addict, I can’t speak enough of how true your words are. Thank you for pointing ALL who read this article to Jesus. We need Jesus now more than ever, and I can’t ever imagine making my (now) husband feel the way I did when I was married to my ex, and by embracing these books, movies, etc… I would be doing exactly that. Making him feel worthless, degraded, not good enough… Thank you for being a Godly voice in this satan filled, demonic world. I thoroughly enjoyed this post, which lead me to subscribe to your blog!! You built me up a little higher today, and I thank you, ma’am.
Keep on leading ’em to Jesus, and I’ll try to do the same 🙂
Sincerely,
Ransomed, redeemed, and blessed.
July 31st, 2014 at 3:39 am
Thanks for your encouragement, Tori!
July 31st, 2014 at 1:25 am
Have you even read these books?
July 31st, 2014 at 2:10 am
My point exactly.
July 31st, 2014 at 3:39 am
I read a part a friend showed me (which is part of the reason I wrote this blog) and I’ve read a synopsis/generalization just get some sort of grasp on the storyline. I won’t read it for the reasons I wrote about. Thanks for writing!
July 31st, 2014 at 2:09 am
So, all women who read these types of books are sinners and bad wives? Seems to me, it doesn’t make you a very good Christian to judge and condemn them in the first place.
“Do not judge, and you will not be judged. Do not condemn, and you will not be condemned. Forgive, and you will be forgiven.”
Luke 6:37
“When they kept on questioning him, he straightened up and said to them, ‘Let any one of you who is without sin be the first to throw a stone at her.'”
John 8:7
July 31st, 2014 at 3:37 am
Hey Sarah! Great verses. All women are sinners whether they read the book or not. I am a sinner. I do dumb stuff, a lot. And reading the book doesn’t make you a bad wife. My heart is more about are you in tune with God and your husband more so that saying people stink or are less than. I fall short everyday, and it’s good for me to have accountability, and reminders, and people in my life who speak truth, even if it stings. That’s all this blog is about. Check out most of Paul’s writings. It’s about those things as well, and it’s good stuff.
July 31st, 2014 at 8:37 pm
Sarah,
You can pull multiple verses out that you could use to back your point, but you need to consider the context of the verses, as well. For example, check out Matthew 7:1-5, which starts off similarly to the first verse from Luke that you quoted-
“Judge not, that you be not judged. For with what judgment you judge, you will be judged; and with the measure you use, it will be measured back to you. And why do you look at the speck in your brother’s eye, but do not consider the plank in your own eye? Or how can you say to your brother, ‘Let me remove the speck from your eye’; and look, a plank is in your own eye? Hypocrite! First remove the plank from your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother’s eye.”
We are warned that we will be measured by the same stick with which we use to judge others, AND we are warned against passing hypocritical judgments on others. If Haley secretly had these books under her bed and pulled them out at night to read after her husband had gone to sleep, then she would be in the wrong, per this passage. I kind of doubt that’s the case. 🙂
The Biblical Creation ministry Answers in Genesis puts this really well, so I want to quote them here as far as “judging” fellow believers. “Are we being loving if we allow our fellow brethren to remain in error and even deceive others? Of course not. Loving others requires that we graciously correct them when they fall into error (Matthew 18; 1 Corinthians 1:11; Galatians 6:1). Those who err do not necessarily know they are in error; they are possibly deceived or ignorant. So we gently and carefully correct the error in regard to teaching, no matter what the situation. After all, this is one of the responsibilities of the church: to teach sound doctrine and correct erroneous teaching (2 Timothy 2:25, 3:16; Titus 2:1).”
When we see fellow believers acting in a way that doesn’t hold up to Biblical standards, we are to call them on it…but in a loving manner. I think Haley did a great job of that here! What kinds of brothers and sisters would we be if we let each other become unwittingly steeped in sin? A funny example, but when you have something stuck in your teeth, don’t you want someone to point it out to you so you don’t go around all day looking goofy? There’s no way you can see that yourself, so you need someone who will love you enough to not let you embarrass yourself in front of others like that…….this is very similar!
August 2nd, 2014 at 3:46 pm
Thank you for your response. I appreciated reading amidst the sea of anger and name-calling. Your words are well-reasoned and encouraging!
August 1st, 2014 at 9:11 pm
scripture taken out of context is dangerous…consider…”Judas went out and hanged himself”…”do thou likewise”…”what you do, do quickly” All are scriptures that do not belong together but put them together and bang, new meaning!
August 3rd, 2014 at 2:57 am
whoa whoa whoa…. sara was not taking matthew out of context. yes, it talks of hypocrisy but it’s all about interpretation. ajlangston limited this to hypocrisy about the books themselves but I interpret that scripture to mean hypocrisy in general. meaning, we are all sinners, so how can we accuse another of sinning? it’s God’s territory to do that. yes, we can gently steer others in the right direction, but we can’t speak for God, He speaks for Himself.
Again, after being a Christian for over 20 years and being raised in Church with a lay minister father, I’ve read the Bible many times and listened to so many sermons……. I’ve even been a member of multiple denominations over the years due to having to switch churches. I believe that’s one of the reasons I believe so much of the Bible is about context and interpretation. Each denomination interprets the Bible differently!! Why do you think we have so many?? Do you think they’re all wrong? No. They’re not. As long as the main principles hold true (John 3:16) and we strive to maintain our walk and be as Holy as we can be, that’s all we can do. The rest can be debated until the cows come home.
Yes it’s dangerous to take scripture out of context but don’t accuse her of doing so when her interpretation is simply different than yours.
August 5th, 2014 at 2:46 pm
confidentbeauty-
When you quote a verse, but you’re really only using half of it to prove a point, you’re more or less taking it out of context. A lot of people look at the first verse Sara quoted and say, “Look! Right there! Even the Bible says not to judge!” But they fail to consider the rest of the verse….or the verses that surround it. We get into lots of trouble that way. I sometimes think that the good folks who split the original books/letters into chapter & verse, while likely well-intentioned, gave us a way to really miss the point. I see your point about interpretation and context….however, we CAN interpret things incorrectly, and that’s often because we fail to consider context!
If we have taken care of the sin in our own lives (the plank in our eye), we are free to help point others to the specks in their eyes. Because we’ve all been steeped in sin, it’s easy to recognize when others are too. Oftentimes we need someone to step in and redirect us; sometimes our sin blinds us- they can see that, but we can’t.
Also….I just used those verses in reference to this post since this was the topic at hand. 🙂
July 31st, 2014 at 2:14 am
I really enjoyed reading your article. I have (recently) read the trilogy, and got to where I skimmed over MOST of the book because it was just the sex. I thought it was raunchy and nasty. There is no way that I could ever be in that type of relationship. Even if he did try to be understanding (my hubby is a great guy, very understanding and gentle) it would make me mad. I would suppress it, but it would really tick me off. I do not understand how people can find it to be a good or uplifting thing (even in a monogamous married relationship) I just don’t get it…. why would any woman want to be in that type of relationship and why are so many people excited and think it’s so fantastic?
July 31st, 2014 at 3:22 am
Thanks, Ami, for reading and writing!
July 31st, 2014 at 2:14 am
Agreed. Good word!
I have never held a copy of the book in my hands, much less read its pages, but I would have to live under a rock not to see a culture fumbling over itself to soak in every last detail.
I am not surprised by the reviews, the talk shows, the hype. A lot of the comments disagreeing with your view don’t even shock me either. Hollywood wants us to fall in love with it all, to escape in its story, right? And many have bought the lies they are selling. But what burdens me most, ladies, is the many Christian women who are standing with this book rather than against it. Please hear my heart when I say to you, it is much more than a book. I urge you to ask The Lord to truly show you what it will cost you to read, watch and support this series.
“Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things.” Philippians 4:8
There is no nobility in this story. There is nothing admirable in its message. When we bear the name of Christ, we must think very seriously about what we willingly put into our mind.
“Therefore, I urge you, brothers and sisters, in view of God’s mercy, to offer your bodies as a living sacrifice, holy and pleasing to God—this is your true and proper worship. Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will.” Romans 12:1-2
Whatever temporary thrill it gives will eventually fall flat. Whatever excitement it brings will quickly fade. Give it time and it will become a very dangerous fire that you can’t extinguish. It is not at all a “grey” area. It needs to be black and white for you, sister in Christ.
July 31st, 2014 at 3:20 am
I recently heard someone say, it becomes much more than a book when your eyebrows raise. Interesting. Thanks for reading and writing!
July 31st, 2014 at 3:11 pm
I’ve been reading many of the comments and don’t typically get involved. Just wanted to say I appreciate the verses you posted, as they are Truth, and agree them to be at the heart of the argument against the books/movie(s) and whatever else may come.
July 31st, 2014 at 2:18 am
I need you to make your “My husband > Christian Grey” into profile-picture size. It could seriously go viral.
July 31st, 2014 at 3:18 am
I’m all for it! I think you can save it? I might be wrong. I’m a little slow when it comes to technology.
July 31st, 2014 at 3:20 am
I did, but it’s a little too wide to fit the whole thing into Facebook’s profile picture frame. That little square. 🙂
July 31st, 2014 at 2:57 am
Probably the best thing I’ve read in regards to this subject. I read the books in my pre-Jesus days, and struggle with wanting to see the movie. It speaks to an area of weakness in my life, and it is a temptation. Satan does such a great job of getting to us by exploiting or weakest points.
However. I see that weakness for what it is and I’m not afraid to admit it. I’ve chosen to turn away from that stuff because I want to honor God. It doesn’t bring me closer to Him or make me look more like Him, so it isn’t needed. In seeking to honor God, I’m also honoring my husband.
From someone who has lived on both sides of the line and who struggles with it, thank you for the honesty. You make great points.
July 31st, 2014 at 3:19 am
Thanks, Kristi!
July 31st, 2014 at 3:31 am
Hi Haley! I enjoyed reading your blog and your stance, although there are a few things I disagree with. I definitely do not believe it’s just women being this way towards their husbands, but I think women have been objectified for so long that society thinks it’s normal for the pornification of women. It’s believed that it’s “okay” and just a red bloodied American male thing to appreciate Playboy magazines, strip clubs, porn, etc.
I’d like to include your blog in my next piece and ellaborate my thoughts and opinions. I do agree with you, but I feel like something should be said for the regular objectivication women face daily.
Thanks!
Maegen
July 31st, 2014 at 3:46 am
Hey Maegan! No disagreement there. You make a great point! Absolutely cool with that. Thanks for writing! Cool name, btw.
July 31st, 2014 at 3:41 am
Reblogged this on jesus, encouragement, & bacon.. that's what life is all about. and commented:
Whether you’re married or not, THIS is a must read!!
July 31st, 2014 at 3:48 am
As a Christian and a teenager, I would like to thank you for this amazing post. I have had an amazing 3 1/2 years with my boyfriend, without sex. Because sex CAN wait. It can wait until he is (hopefully) my husband. I loved that your argument was that Gods way is married sex. I feel like so many forget that. Also, I have not read the books and I have no interest in reading them. As a teenager, I have many temptations to ruin my walk with Christ and this is one of many. Temptations are hard to say no to but this one was easy. How any Christian woman can say these books do not affect their faith, I am clueless. Thank you again for your view that I very much agree with.
July 31st, 2014 at 3:56 am
Let me start by saying I am a Christian. I try to honor God in all aspects of my life, but I have to admit this is something I struggle with. I am married, and will say that for the most part we have a great sex life. The problem for me is that by the time I work a full time job, pick up the kids, make dinner, and try to do some semblance of housework- sex is probably the furthest thing from my mind. I find that sometimes (not all the time) sex can seem like another chore to check off the list. If my sex drive called the shots, we would do it a few times a month. Now it probably goes without saying that this would not be ideal for my husband.
I have read 50 shades and other books like it. I have wrestled with feelings of guilt- I know the bible calls us to meditate on holy things. I have prayed for a stronger drive ( is that weird to admit?) I just feel a lack of desire mostly because I’m just too overloaded with other things going on and thoughts of laundry and dust bunnies–am I alone in this?
The books, I find, kind of redirect my thoughts. They get my mind reprogrammed from kids’ homework to being sexy and wanting to be sexy. Does that mean I am lusting after Christian gray? I guess, maybe you could make a case for that, but I can honestly say when I’m with my husband I’m not fantasizing about a story book character. I don’t post the trailors on my fb advertising to the world that I am reading these books. I am frankly ashamed some days that I have them at all- a by product of my strict upbringing, no doubt. My husband does know that I have read them though.
Am I sinning? Is this driving a wedge between myself and God? Some days I can justify it, others I’m not so sure…
This is probably the weirdest comment, and probably the worst place to post because of all of the character bashing that happens on the internet, but I’m risking it on the off chance that some strong, Christian women might see this and have some advise or insight, a calming reassurance or positive criticism for a young mom just trying to navigate through life and marriage. It’s not easy as you all know…. thanks
July 31st, 2014 at 5:12 am
Dear Pretty Confused,
I can totally relate! I have two little guys who are BUSY, not to mention that I’m on two different medications that reduce sex drive as a side effect. Do you know what? I DO pray for my sex drive! I ask The Lord – sometimes beg him to give me desire for my husband. We have a fabulous relationship and I love him and I’m attracted to him but physically a lot of the time I just can’t get there. God created us as sexual beings and I believe he wants us to give him every part of our lives so I say go for it! Pray for that drive when you need it. It’s a sticky trap to turn to something/someone outside of your marriage to stimulate that drive. It’s exactly what the world tells our men -that girl on the magazine in the bikini, it’s harmless, or the porn, it’s not real, just fantasy… but the sex industry has destroyed the lives of too many people I know and care about. Your questions are so legitimate. No one teaches us what to do when it’s not working for us. I’ve decided I’m going to keep praying about it and honestly I’ll probably ask my Dr about it too the next time I see her (as embarrassing as that will be!). My husband is important to me and I WANT to enjoy our relationship. I hope somehow I’ve been able to encourage you a little bit!
Also, I was just thinking of a post I wrote about inviting God into every area of our lives where I address the bedroom too… http://girlsofgodsheart.blogspot.com/2014/01/letting-god-fill-every-room-of-your.html?m=1
July 31st, 2014 at 7:47 am
Hey girl, you are not alone! I struggle with the SAME thing. These books and others like them have what seems like a positive side to them.
It really comes down to me deciding to believe that God is who He says He is. He tells us over and over to guard our thoughts and our hearts (Romans 12:1-2, Phil 4:8, 2 Cor 10:5, etc). I choose to believe that God is big enough to help in this area…without books like this. It’s a quick fix…reading these books and feeling sexy and wanting my husband…it wears off eventually and I’m left exactly where you are. Figuring sex out without the help of this kind of stuff is the harder road…but it’s the most rewarding. We have better overall intimacy because it’s just us and God involved.
I hope that’s helpful? Like I said, it’s hard. There wouldn’t be so much conflict regarding this topic if it was easy.
August 1st, 2014 at 1:23 pm
Kristi, Julie, and Pretty Confused, Y’ALL ARE SO NOT ALONE!! Continue to pray for that desire! My husband’s point has been, though, “if you’re too tired for sex, how can you read or play candy crush or do puzzles (or anything else)??” He understands the tired, exhausted, etc., but it still doesn’t hurt him any less when I choose something else over that intimate connection with him! Praying that I stay focused on him and Him so the imps and excuses don’t creep up on me. Keeping us all in prayer!
July 31st, 2014 at 11:30 am
I’m no expert, but throughout my life I’ve learned the hard way that sometimes you look back on a season and go, “what was I thinking?!” Things seem much different when you get a little distance. There was a time in my life when I thought for sure I would get a divorce, and if I followed my own feelings (instead of trusting in God to come through for me) then I probably would have divorced my husband. The important thing is to keep trusting God that He will supply all your needs. I think it’s ok to ask God for more of a “drive.” If you haven’t already opened up to your husband about the way you feel and why, definitely do it. Sometimes it’s an ongoing dialogue, not just a once or twice thing. I think every married woman with children knows exactly how you feel. Don’t be afraid to ask for prayer for yourself. But be patient, God will come through for you. I’ll pray for you if you pray for me! 🙂
August 1st, 2014 at 3:13 pm
Hey Pretty Confused…I’ve been married for 29 years. In those 29 years I’ve had two affairs. I can tell you the exact reason for both…I took him for granted and didn’t continue to pursue him and vice versa. I also took the guard off my heart. We have learned that sex doesn’t start in the bedroom. It starts when you are at work and send him a message that says, “I can’t wait to be in your arms.” Or! “I’m so ready to kiss your lips.” It keeps you thinking about him and how wonderful he is. This is, to me, honestly better than reading a book. Ask God for a sex drive? ABSOLUTELY!!! Text your husband an explicit message during the middle of the day? ABSOLUTELY!! Just be sure when you get ready to hit send that it has his name at the top! LOL! Have sex like the sex in Song of Solomon? OH MAN YES!!! Now to address the original blog…I agree. I’ve been reading a different set of books, that honestly, I truly enjoy for their historical content, however, there is sex in them. It is married sex, however, God still convicted me of reading them. I have stopped. I don’t watch Grey’s Anatomy for the exact same reason, God said stop. I don’t want anything to take my focus from the man that stood by me for 29 years. I don’t want another man, fiction or not, to come between him and me. I love my husband and I love when we are intimate together and fall into one flesh. There is truly nothing like it in the world! God has redeemed what others thought would never make it. Rahab is my hero and my marriage is stronger than it has ever been!
July 31st, 2014 at 4:42 am
I have a problem with people writing these blogs having not read the books, and claiming “holier than thou” as their reasoning. If you aren’t judging why write anything at all? Yes, these books have raunchy premarital sex in them. But, there is a love story as well. It is the story of a physically and mentally scarred man learning how to love a woman and NOT solely objectify her. They end up married and having babies. Yes it starts with a relationship solely based on sex but it turns into something pure, LOVE.
July 31st, 2014 at 2:16 pm
Do people need to experience evil, to call evil out? No they don’t. And by your own admission above, ‘Yes these books have raunchy premarital sex in them.” The justification you give is “But there is a love story as well.” Well! Love is patient, kind and not demanding its own way. When we have no control over our sexual appetites we justify what we want. And the end result is that we disregard GOD’s commands and we hurt not only our spouses but our children and other people in society too. Just read the news: Our society is a MESS! …as in the days of Noah we are!
July 31st, 2014 at 4:07 pm
I didn’t get the “holier than thou” vibe. Is the “raunchy premarital sex” ok because there is a “love story” being told? The problem with Christianity today is, we don’t step on enough toes. Calling sin, sin has become “judging”. Judging would be condemning you to hell, No one has done that. Instead, we are expected to sit around and do nothing while our young kids get more and more involved in sin. We make sin ok because, “who are we to judge?!?” SIN is SIN. 1Corinthians 5:12
August 1st, 2014 at 6:49 am
Love your reply, I’d like to add that the very next Chapter you quote Paul actually gets onto the Church of Corinth for NOT judging sin when found in their congregation and told them that they ought to have already judge it! Not only is saying “thou shall not judge” false teaching, it spits in the face of scriptural teaching and even directly contradicts what we are taught to do in scripture! We are to judge sin, and we are to condemn it to the point where when we find someone in sin who refuses to give it up to toss them out of the church, and we simply aren’t doing that! We need to turn back to God and proper scriptural teachings and away from ourselves.
August 3rd, 2014 at 3:02 am
toss sinners out of church? this has GOT to be a joke……….
August 4th, 2014 at 9:19 pm
5 It is actually reported that there is immorality among you, and immorality of such a kind as does not exist even among the Gentiles, that someone has his father’s wife. 2 [a]You have become [b]arrogant and [c]have not mourned instead, so that the one who had done this deed would be removed from your midst.
3 For I, on my part, though absent in body but present in spirit, have already judged him who has so committed this, as though I were present. 4 In the name of our Lord Jesus, when you are assembled, and [d]I with you in spirit, with the power of our Lord Jesus, 5 I have decided to deliver such a one to Satan for the destruction of his flesh, so that his spirit may be saved in the day of the Lord [e]Jesus- 1st Corinthians 5:1-5 Forgive me I was mistaken at where it was placed, the person above me quoted the end of the part I was thinking, but I mistakenly thought it was after, rather than before. But yes Paul commands us that if someone refuses to get rid of their sin that we are to hand them over to Satan.
August 5th, 2014 at 4:15 pm
no no no – the place for sinners is church!! where else are they going to here the good news? Jesus loved sinners the most! Mary magdelene was a prostitute and Jesus loved her. We have to learn from our Savior here and not ‘hand them over to Satan’ – that scripture surely is taken out of context.
July 31st, 2014 at 4:53 am
Haley,
I really like your blog. Mary and I haven’t been sexually active since 05′, that’s 9 years!
However we feel as you do. I didn’t get married to have sex. I didn’tget married because I was (40) forty. We didn’t get married because we were lonely. I got married because the first time or eyes met I fell in love. Are you familiar with the song “She’s More” by Andy Gibbs? Well that’s Mary to the Tee. She went through the change of life, lost interest and I didn’t push it. I don’t want someone to have sex with I want someone to make love to. If one of the parties not interested then it’s having sex, not love. If they’re both interested and they’re not married, well that’s lust and as you said that’s sinful and not Gods way. We are both Christians and that’s the reason we’ve never had a problem over sex. Now we are neither one able to be sexually active due to our disabilities. But I still love her and she loves me. Because we didn’t get married because we wanted to have sex. We got married because we loved one another! Thank you Haley there’s a million people out there that needs to read your blog.
July 31st, 2014 at 3:12 pm
Hey Marvin! Praying for you and your wife! God Bless!
July 31st, 2014 at 5:09 am
I must say that although I may divert from some of the conclusions in this blog, my respect for you has been greatly increased while reading your graceful responses to this volatile subject.
I am well beyond my book banning days, and I have discovered that many decisions such as ‘what is permissible and not’ is exactly what the Bible said: can be done, yes / should be (?) between you and God. It is an intensely personal thing to have a true conviction of your own. Having said that, the only way some people ever get conviction about current events or specific subjects is through information like this, Christians sharing their convictions. God is not limited by using the Bible or pastors to convict; certainly every temptation was not covered in specific detail in the scriptures; I believe that is because God intends for us to pick up and contribute our personal relationship with Him to others. Maybe it strikes a nerve, listen to the Spirit. Maybe it does not, moving on. Thank you for sharing.
July 31st, 2014 at 3:12 pm
Thanks for your words, my friend!
July 31st, 2014 at 5:35 am
So how would modern romance novels compare to “song of songs”? We read of a pretty steamy love between these two people in the Bible…just curious.
July 31st, 2014 at 5:50 am
Hi i just wanted to say that i have heard a lot of people say this is porn in book form…..and i had in the past struggled with porn. Yes im a woman and i watched porn. And i can tell all of u from experience that this stuff can just ruin you from the inside out. It made my marriage rough and on the inside i felt so bad until God healed me from this. Now after a few years my marriage is better and so am i. So please if u are reading these books and possibly watching porn or anything of the sortjust think about what ur doing. I honestly would hate for anyone to go through what i did bc these things just distorts marriage and the reason God created sex.
July 31st, 2014 at 3:10 pm
Thanks for your honesty, Kim!
July 31st, 2014 at 6:55 am
I can’t figure out if this blog is for real, or if it’s a brilliant mockery of the most ridiculous right-wingers in this country. I hope it’s the latter.
July 31st, 2014 at 3:14 pm
It’s for real, I promise. 🙂 No politics involved, just honesty.
July 31st, 2014 at 7:11 am
This exchanges are really awakening….
I never expected that there are Humans Out There that RESPECT and LOVE are still in their personhood…
Pretty Confused, Maybe you and your Husband should try doing it, (making-love) in the morning, after both of you are already rested from yesterdays chores….
Going back to Respect n Love…
I was married with 2 kids, Girl nd Boy… but got annulled…
I had a relationship with an OB-Gynecologist who happen to be a Beauty Queen and the 1st of the Title to hold it for 3 years…
We love and Respect each other for 8 years…
We even surpassed the record set by an egyptian or greek couple in the internet of having mad love for more than a 100 times in a year…
We actually had 4 times more in a Day, during our 1st year together, the reason why I considered her as My One Great Love….
I am still waiting for Gods, One Last Love for Me…
The Thoughts and Words in this Blog is really Amazing and should really be taken from its context by anyone who does not know what this world og Man and Woman has gone to….?…!
There Wont Be Peace on Earth, Till Man Submits with Woman… as a song implies…
In the Bible, i know, is the Verse where Wives are Commanded to Submit to their Husbands…. and The World falls into the Hands of The Terrible God….. Men Rules and Governs…. the rest is not History, but keep on repeating itself….. …
What We all should Learn and Accept from this Blog is ….
Women are the Most Special Creation by that One God The Father…. and…
We MEN, are the One saved and Spared by that One Terrible God of the Universe, when during the Time of Gods… as they were seated together in their places and the ONE GOD decided to annihilate or KILL all Humans for they have done what is expected of him. and One said NO… they were created like our own, why kill them all..?
Here We are, Stumbling in this Dying Earth…
May We continue to Support, Women Who have this Kind of Heart and Mind….?
Lets turn these Gray in Life into Shining Gold of Life……!
July 31st, 2014 at 10:12 am
(Another dude’s prospective)
Hello all!
A few things that stood out to me in the comments especially the ones who are defending the book and one being that “How can you judge if you didn’t read it he book” argument, well I for one haven’t read the book/books and don’t care to because I know that when I would read it, it would be exciting but after I like most of the times in the past would feel guilty because I know that I’m not doing something that agrees with my spirit and just so we haven’t “read” or “watched” something doesn’t mean we know that it’s not dangerous and I can use common sense to guard myself against getting hurt. I don’t have to play with a poisonous snake to know if get bitten by it that I could hurt myself or even die. Do I have to smoke cigarettes to know that they’re dangerous to my health? Of course not. And while the cigarettes may not kill me instantly, they will over time just like the reading or putting spiritual poisoning in my body and it draw me away from God and ultimately cause spiritual death in my life.
I for one like most husbands have to fight and compete against life in general and whatever my 3 children hasn’t sucked out of my wife at the end of the day for more intimacy and a year or two ago whenever the book came out and I heard or read a few details regarding it, made it enticing or wish that maybe if she would read it, it would “put her in the mood” and yes it may and I’d be happy with it, but at what cost? It would be like a drug, fun now damaging later.
The other thing that blows my mind is that people believe and use the excuse or justify not just this book, but it can be movies, or even video games is that “it’s not real” or “it’s fictional” that’s being delusional because we’re human full of emotions and react accordingly because if we simply laugh, cry, or get angry about an outcome it affects us, so just because we want to ease our conscience and use the “it’s fake or just acting” to justify it, is fooling ourselves.
July 31st, 2014 at 10:43 am
Thank you for what you have written. .. It gives me that ray of hope…. I look around and I see every woman I know talk about this book… and who the actor should be.. my wife included.. I notice that infidelity runs rampant. .. Many do not safeguard their marriages… I try not to put a label on all women… but I will tell you…. it is very hard when you are in a society and a work place where maybe 75% of the people (men and women) that are married are making comments about things that they would like to do to people that are not their spouses. The list can go on and on… and they are all ways that Satan can destroy a marriage. .. I have been reading a lot of the comments on this. My hat is off to you women that stand strong and guard your marriage. And let your husbands see that you cherish your marriage… We might not be “mushy” but, we like to see that our women want and respect us… There is very little more crushing than having your spouse disrespect you. Thanks again for the article. .. God bless.
July 31st, 2014 at 3:08 pm
Thanks for your post, Doc!
July 31st, 2014 at 10:55 am
Pornography is pornography!
July 31st, 2014 at 11:17 am
So wonderfully written! It’s obvious you put a lot of thought and prayer into this. I also have to say that reading through these comments, you have conducted yourself with dignity and grace and responded to even some nasty sounding comments with love and kindness. The fruit of the spirit is definitely evident in you. Thanks for being a shining example to Christian women everywhere, especially myself! Carry on.
July 31st, 2014 at 3:06 pm
Thanks, my friend!
July 31st, 2014 at 11:51 am
First, pet peeve: you + all = y’all (it even autocorrects to y’all if you don’t type an apostrophe).
Second, anyone who acts like it’s “just” a book is forgeting the power of the written word. There’s a reason Gutenberg’s press revolutionized the world.
Third, this book is demeening to women and glorifies unhealthy relationships. If you think not, you’re just deluding yourself because it was originally fanfiction to a series that does the same (i.e. Twilight), and the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree. Plus, both are just terribly written.
July 31st, 2014 at 12:15 pm
I’m not saying that your views are off base in general, but to say that your going to choose not to have sex “so God doesn’t hate you and send you to Hell and die”, is completely misleading. As a Christian, I understand that you may have meant that to be a funny overstatement, but to those who are not or who are newly saved and have not had the opportunity to really dive into biblical study, that could be a very detrimental statement. The acceptance of Jesus is what saves us, not abstinence. All sin is viewed the same and if we could refrain from it, then there would have been no need for a Savior to rescue us from sin. I think it is important to let others know that God is love. He loves us so much that he sent his only Son to die for us. He is not hate and He is not sending us to Hell if we don’t end up waiting until we are married to have sex. Even David, the man after God’s own heart, committed adultery. Although God was grieved because of that sin and David had to live with the guilt, God did not hate David or condemn Him to Hell for that sin. I think that it is important to clear that statement up for those who are uncertain about Christ and Christianity, as it paints an untrue picture. Even as Christians we sin, although we should feel shame in that sin and repent. However, I ask those who are not Christians to not judge Christ by his followers, because we all fall short. Instead look to Christ Himself, as He is perfect. He is sin free, and He loves us all even though we have sinned. The Bible is evident of this, as Christ loved murderers, adulterers, prostitutes, liars, those who judged others, gossipers, etc. So for those who have read this and think that they would be hated by God and condemned to Hell based on having commited the act of sex before marriage, I assure you that is not true. Acceptance of Jesus is what saves you, and not the ability to be sin free.
July 31st, 2014 at 3:05 pm
Hey Amber! Thanks for writing. I understand what you’re saying. And you’re right that’s what I did mean it as. I grew up in a pretty legalistic church where it seemed like EVERYTHING sent you to hell. I feared God, because I feared hell. It wasn’t until later that I learned God wanted a personal relationship with me and that He actually loved and valued me. So that was my conflict as a child. You made great points. Thanks!
July 31st, 2014 at 12:33 pm
I somewhat agree BUT most women take they’re “lust, needs and sins” on they’re husbands! I don’t think most are fantasizing about “Christian Grey”. I think it’s a good read, and ALOT of husbands get the benefits, if you know what I mean. What man is going to complain about a increased sex drive from their wives? Just sayin. Lol
MY HUSBAND OVER CHRISTIAN GREY ANYDAY!!!!
July 31st, 2014 at 12:49 pm
So….this is why I wrote the song:
July 31st, 2014 at 1:09 pm
Reblogged this on Jerry's Blog and commented:
With “50 shades…” and “Magic Mike”, seducing a generation of women, it is refreshing to read this amazing blog from Haley Morgan Smith. The Christian community tends to focus a lot on what it takes to be a real man – biblical manhood (as we should); but Haley calls women to what a real, godly wife looks like.
It’s a little lengthy (hey, it’s a blog – not a tweet), so you may have to actually sit down and focus. But it is worth the investment.
July 31st, 2014 at 1:30 pm
Reblogged this on Pure Agape Love and commented:
Even if you aren’t married yet you can still honor your future spouse by not falling into the worlds way of thinking about marriage and your spouse.
July 31st, 2014 at 1:32 pm
I just have to say that I find it personally hilarious as to how this book is slammed on both sides of the fence, by that saying I meany by both Christians and the secular world, I will start off saying that I have not read the book as personally I don’t read “romance” novels I find them like fairytales not based in much reality…I don’t want that sort of escape. (no judgment at all for those who like romance novels…its just not my cup of tea.) Anyways the huge argument I have seen for those in the secular realm While I enjoyed reading the Christian perspective of what is damaging about this book in a more spiritual and relationship/emotion way. It really goes much deeper than that and I was surprised to not see that mentioned here by anyone.
The main part being is that the way Christian Grey treats Ana in the books, no matter which way you cut it….it is an unhealthy, abusive relationship, I can’t for the life of me understand why any woman, Christian or no, would want wish to be in that sort of relationship.
A recent analysis of Fifty Shades of Grey, the first novel in the trilogy, reveals pervasive emotional and sexual violence in Christian and Anastasia’s relationship. The analysis also shows Ana suffers significant harm as a result — including constant perceived threat, managing/altering her behaviors to keep peace in the relationship, lost identity and disempowerment and entrapment as her behaviors become mechanized in response to Christian’s abuse.
Christian uses an interlocking pattern of emotional abuse strategies–stalking, intimidation, isolation, and humiliation– to manipulate and control every aspect of Anastasia’s behavior. These strategies are consistent with the U.S. Centers for Disease Control and Prevention’s definitions of intimate partner violence.
To wrap it all up…I fault no adult for reading the book series…we are all free to make our own choices but, when I see women “wanting” a man like Christian Grey…I worry.
So seeing the words “My husband>Christian Grey” I was like THANK GOD I SHOULD HOPE SO!!!!
(*note* this coming from a woman who lived in a sexually and emotionally abusive situation…whom by the grace of God escaped from.)
July 31st, 2014 at 3:01 pm
Really interesting stuff. Thanks a lot for your post, Maggie!
July 31st, 2014 at 1:37 pm
I could care less if my husband talks about some Hollywood starlet and her breast size. Or if he brought home porn (honestly I would assume he wanted us to peruse it together) because I am smart enough to know that physical attraction is not the same as love, and secure enough to know that I am the only woman he loves, and trust him enough to know that just because he finds something attractive doesn’t mean he is going to act on it, and I don’t mind if he expresses thst he finds someone sexy. Big freakin deal
July 31st, 2014 at 1:51 pm
Not sure where to start. I’ve read the blog and then all the replies and I’m surprised by some of the comments. In truth until I read your blog I had no problem with the books. I didn’t feel condemned for reading them, so, now I ask myself…is this false guilt laid at my door? Yes, because had I felt any conviction, I’d have felt it while reading them. That’s the Holy Spirits job to nudge me when I’m doing something wrong in his eyes. So, if any felt that then, praise the lord you didn’t continue reading. I’m an avid reader, My favorite books are by Francine Rivers, Redeeming Love, my all time favorite book ever written..besides the Bible of course… All her books are Christian Fiction. Anyone read Redeeming Love?, it’s about a whore who keeps going back to the life of sin. Based on the book of the Bible, Hosea.
To ME, personally…I read 50 shades out of curiosity, yes, the story starts off with an unmarried couple…she’s a virgin, and he has a control issue with Sex…and control issues in general. By the end, they marry.
Oh, I seen the problems in their relationship from the beginning…Sex before marriage being one.
I read these books and laughed at some of her character traits, my husband would hear me and say, I thought those books are about so and so, and I’d just say, her inner goddess is a hoot. (If you haven’t read them, then, you don’t know what I’m referring to) I took these books with a grain of salt…Knowing they weren’t real. Maybe that’s why it didn’t affect me none. I didn’t put the book down and fantasize about Mr.Grey. I didn’t think of them at all until, I picked it back up to read again. DO I AGREE with the way the characters are portrayed, No..I admit, I wouldn’t be in that kind of relationship. I think to me the best part of the book is, that they actually fall in love and marry each other.
I’ve been married 26 years…and have a healthy sex life and maybe I’m the odd ball here but I didn’t dwell on the books. I didn’t catch myself during the day thinking about the books, nor when I laid down beside my husband at night did I want or fantasize that he was Mr.Grey. Matter of fact, I’ve thought nothing else of them until this post.
The thing is. If it’s not right for you, then don’t do it. If your the type of personality that you’ve found yourself in the past dwelling on something you seen sexual..I’d say don’t read them. It all comes down to being in a relationship with God, a personal relationship, is personal. It’s between me and him (You and Him) What he convicts me of may not be something you struggle with or you’re convicted of…and visa versa…some can drink a glass of wine, while others feel the need to abstain from that because it’s a personal conviction of theirs, as well as some who wear dresses all the time, while others are able to wear pants etc. etc. etc… Don’t lay sin at my door. That’s the Lords responsibility, It’s not anyone elses to say what I can read, wear, do…I’m not following the masses, I’m a follower of Christs. And, it’s his job to steer my course not a Preacher, Person or a Blog.
I do agree with your blog on many levels, I’m not saying that..I’m just saying everything we do should be held up to the light, if the Lord says no, then no it is…but if someone feels bad by your conviction then it’s false guilt and not from God..We all know satan himself is an accuser of the Brethren, We have to discern when it’s a true conviction or if it’s that of someone else saying it’s wrong.
Just my thoughts on it….and I’m not for nor against this post and I’m surely not bashing it…I for one don’t read self help books by Christians, because they’re as messed up as I am.. It comes down to this as my point. Your own personal relationship with Christ should be your guidance not the worlds view. If he say’s it wrong for YOU. It’s wrong..period.
July 31st, 2014 at 2:00 pm
This entire post makes no sense, probably because you haven’t even bothered to read the books. Did you just write this post for click bait in order to increase traffic to your blog?
The first problem with your argument is that you write about Christian Grey as a real person, when he is of course a fictional character, so how can one even “lust” after him? That’s like saying you lust after Santa Claus. It’s ridiculous.
If women read these books and it sparks lust in their marriage toward their husband (which many women report after having actually read the books, unlike you), then where is the harm in that? Since you are so pro-marriage, you should be encouraging women to read this if it will help improve/restore intimacy in the marriage and decrease the likelihood of divorce.
Second, sex was not created by god. Sex was designed by evolution to be fun and enjoyable because the survival of our species depends on it. The biological purpose of any species is to survive and reproduce offspring to ensure that we do not become extinct. So your argument there is null.
July 31st, 2014 at 2:59 pm
Hi there! Actually, I had no idea the response I’d get and am pretty floored in a lot of ways. I read and understand all of your points. The issue for me with the first one is the imagination. Fantasies are essentially fictional, but you can still lust. Take any character in a movie. They’re fictional, but we can lust over their characters. It seems like you’re very smart, so you know just like I know that our minds are incredibly complex. We have to be careful with that. Second, I believe God and science go hand and hand, because I believe he’s very personal and very detailed. If you ever have a chance, read a book called I Don’t Have Enough Faith to be an Atheist. It’s an interesting read, particularly for people in the science field.
July 31st, 2014 at 2:27 pm
I have read what you wrote and I think you are wrong. I have been married to my husband for 14 years and we have a complete and amazing love and sex life! With that said I have read all three books more than once and my husband has zero issues with it. I could care less if he watches porn we even watch it together. What makes it alright for you as a Christian woman to pass judgements on anyone and assume that these things are bad for everyone’s marriage? I’ll even give you something else to judge me on my oldest son whom is 22 is gay!! This wonderful caring man that I love with all my heart is my second husband so I have been divorced as well. A marriage is what you make of it with your partner and not all marriages are the same!!
July 31st, 2014 at 2:49 pm
Hey Connie! Awesome that you’ve been married for 14 years! Congrats! I wanted to address one thing you said about your son. I think there is confusion about judgment/hateful and honesty/love and light. I wrote this blog because I think the world has things skewed AND I think the church doesn’t really approach it very well. I don’t know you or your son, but I can tell you that the God I believe in and speak about loves your son as much as me or anyone else in the world. Your son is no worse than me. God had your son in mind a long time ago and had already picked you to be his mom, and I think that’s pretty cool. God sees him as incredibly valued, and if I really believe that we’re supposed to be more like God- then it only make sense for me to think about that with your son. We’re all people living life. No hateful judgement here, just honesty from my heart. Thank you for loving your son.
July 31st, 2014 at 2:31 pm
Just gonna point out that Christians ARE supposed to keep each other accountable, so it is PERFECTLY FINE for this lady to call people out on reading those books.
If Jesus was physically present, sitting beside you, would you feel comfortable reading this book? Would you hand it to Him and say, “Hey Jesus, check this out!”?
Just my two cents.
July 31st, 2014 at 2:54 pm
I was so blessed by this post. I’m not married but I greatly appreciated and agree 100% with your view on everything!
July 31st, 2014 at 3:11 pm
Just want to put out that it’s natural for people to fantasize about others. This doesn’t mean those people love you any less, but that’s how human attraction works. A woman or a man can’t help who they find attractive, and can even imagine having sex with, but that doesn’t mean they’re going to go out and cheat on you because they love you enough to not do that. At the end of the day, it’s ultimately you that they want to be with, but a little fantasizing about another person is not as harmful as we make it out to be, and we need to stop shaming men for this aspect of themselves they can’t help. Women are the same way, too.
There’s romantic and sexual attraction. A guy having romantic attraction to another woman is more problematic than sexual attraction. Sexual attraction can lead to cheating, but romantic attraction most assuredly leads to cheating, because that means he’s tired of you if he’s starting to develop romantic feelings for another woman. It takes being close to a person to develop romantic feelings, whereas sexual attraction just takes a glance at another person.
Do you see the difference?
August 8th, 2014 at 6:14 pm
“A little fantasizing about another person is not as harmful as we make it out to be”? What about how God makes it out to be? “Let there be not a hint of sexual immorality”! That’s what He said. I believe that’s exactly what he meant. And the idea that we as Christians, men or women, “can’t help” who we imagine having sex with is 2,014 years out of date. That sort of burden and slavery to sin is exactly what Jesus freed us from having to live with and deal with–on the cross. He died so that we could love Him and His people and and be loved by Him and His people without shame and without having to run back to fantasies that ruin relationships. When I say “ruin relationships”, I don’t just mean on earth. You can pretend to love all you want, but in the end, if you’re corrupted on the inside, your relationship with your Savior will suffer as well. I’m not trying to condemn anyone; I just want to remind everyone listening that whether or not reading or watching stuff like this is “okay” is a moot point. It doesn’t matter, because Jesus Christ freed us from having to fall into sin, and because He already told us not to go into situation where it could happen. We don’t have to, and we’re not supposed to. The more sobering question is, “Why would you want to? Why would you want to be able to drive a wedge between yourself and your loved ones, your Father included? And what sort of justification are you coming up with to say that you do?”
August 9th, 2014 at 2:41 pm
I don’t believe in God, so your entire point doesn’t really mean much to me.
August 9th, 2014 at 2:44 pm
Fantasizing is not the same thing as cheating, but if you think it is, then don’t be with someone who does this. Our morals are all different, so you can’t shove yours down anyone else’s throat. If you think it’s immoral, fine. But if someone else doesn’t, don’t smack them with God what and what God thinks. You’re going to be hard-pressed to find ANYONE who doesn’t fantasize about another person every once in a while, even in the most loving relationship. The only people who don’t do this are most likely asexual, because asexual people don’t experience sexual attraction to begin with. But most people do experience sexual attraction, and they’re going to experience it to more than just the partner they’re with. That doesn’t mean they’re going to go out and cheat, but it’s part of human nature, whether you like it or not.
July 31st, 2014 at 3:29 pm
This is one of the most inspiring pieces of writing I have had the pleasure to read! It is well written, humorous, and I love your outlook on God. I’m so excited that I found your blog!
July 31st, 2014 at 3:31 pm
In reading the original blog, I understood Jane’s point. I can if I choose make a sin out of reading the Bible. If I use it to condemn and Damn every one who doesn’t see things from my narrow point of view on some subjects the Bible reading is a sin. One can make going to church an sin. (many do because they go to show off their wealth or to look down on neighbors who are not as pious as they, (remember the parable Jesus told of the publican’s worship.) Tish, Please dust off GOD’S HOLY WORD open it to Song of Songs (Solomon). Give it a good read. Jane is correct Churches do a horrible job of open honest and SPIRITUAL Biblically based sexual education. At most a few premarital pastoral counseling sessions and little discussion of sex.
Read this site http://www.themarriagebed.com Some years ago my home state was in a culture clash over sex education in the classroom, when it should start, what were the parameters, who was supposed to teach it. The churches for the most part got their puritanical backs up and said it was immoral and would lead to teen sexual promiscuity, (which, by the way, was already a wild fire, STDs were rampant, as were teen pregnancies) and misinformed secular view of morals. In a discussion at the church where I served as Minister of Music, I was nearly fired for pointing out that our church was not teaching sex to our children and adults in a biblical and spiritual setting. I was told it was the parents’ job. I posed the question and asked for a show of hand of how many parents had had a discussion about sex in their homes. Only one couple out of 100 present that Sunday evening raised their hand. I told our congregation, therein lies the problem. Parents aren’t teaching it, we as a church aren’t teaching it and if our schools don’t teach it, then our children are going to learn it in the streets, the back seat of a car, or in a dark movie theater, or their own bedrooms, or from Seventeen, Cosmopolitan, Playboy, or Hustler, in the wrong way, and at the wrong time, and heartache will ensue. I offered to teach a biblical, spiritual, and scientific based class and was turned down.
July 31st, 2014 at 5:27 pm
Milt,
I have read Song of Solomon. I’ve read it a couple of times, actually. There’s also an amazing sermon series on it preached by Pr. Mark Driscoll called Peasant Princes and it’s available on YouTube. I have also read his book called Real Marriage, which was highly criticized by many of my fellow Christians because it openly spoke about marital intimacy.
It’s interesting how you complain about people supposedly passing judgment and condemnation when you just judged me regarding my bible reading habits. I absolutely delight in God’s Holy Word! Solomon teaches couple that it is godly to desire and discover ever source of pleasure our spouses have without ever using crude language in his book, only poetic.
Now, I agree with you 100% about the need to educate people about sex at church. We are vulnerable to what we don’t know, and the best way to know about sex is to know about the One who created it for our enjoyment! But there’s a difference between a pastor lovingly coaching his married sheep to be sexually free and write a book about a crude, unloving, controlling, type of “love.” 50 Shades of grey can’t possibly be compared to a biblical book because its goal is not to honor and glorify God through godly marriage.
August 1st, 2014 at 2:12 am
Tish my remark about dusting of the Bible was not meant as judgment, it was tongue in cheek. I sincerely apologize if it offended, that was in no way my intent..As much as I study the WORD daily I dare say my Bible could also use a little dusting off as well. We could spend 24/7 in prayer and Bible study and never get enough. I have not read nor do I intend to read 50 Shades. There are so many Christian books on marital sex and fidelity I have yet to read. If you are so inclined the marriage bed web site has a bookstore with an excellent selection of marriage devotionals and guides for a spiritual sex life. Again I am sorry for my ill spoken remark. I should have remembered
Mat 5:37 But let your communication be, Yea, yea; Nay, nay: for whatsoever is more than these cometh of evil. Blessings to you always
July 31st, 2014 at 3:39 pm
Young man here: I used to struggle with a pornography addiction when I was younger and it absolutely destroyed my perspective of women until the Lord restored my mind. I remember when the books became popular, my friends would complain about women’s double standards about porn and the book, saying it was “different”. I read, ashamedly, the majority of the first book, and I have to say, I saw no difference. Some people defend the book on the basis that it has a plot and a story. There are porn movies. Movies. Hour, hour and a half long movies. This book, to me, is a porn book. Point blank. There’s no difference at all. It glorifies, not “love making” or sex as God made it, but debauchery. If someone reads the boom while in a relationship, and your relationship suffers no consequence, then consider yourself blessed. I destroyed my relationship with my ex because my addiction set unrealistic expectations of how my girlfriend was supposed to be. But if she read the boom and I never had my addiction, I think it’d be ruined regardless. She’d want a Christian Grey or I’d want a Sasha Grey. Either way, there’s no way you can justify reading that trash. Was the story good? Maybe. But is subjecting your soul to that kind of filth really worth a good story? Or new ideas in the bedroom? I don’t think so.
July 31st, 2014 at 3:42 pm
Oh I am worried now!!! My husband reads Stephen King😳 He must be fantasizing about how he can kill me😐
July 31st, 2014 at 3:59 pm
She made some good points! I know most women who have read this would be upset if the roles were reversed! No doubt! I’ll be honest, I tried reading the first one & couldn’t manage getting past the first “scene”. So I never finished reading the book. I really have no desire to read any of them or watch the movie. I don’t judge others that are willing to read & watch it. I think, to each their own. I have read the Twilight series & had a Team Edward shirt! Lol now the shirt wasn’t me saying I was hot for him by any means. For those that read the books or watched the movies, it just means that you are picking a guy for Bella to go for. Also, they didn’t have sex till they were married. Edward was what they called in the movie & book “old school”. (Yes, I am defending myself to a point. LOL but I am not offended. Just wanted to clear it up because I don’t think the Twilight series & 50 Shades of Grey are in the same category) I think that the people that are getting butt hurt here aren’t really seeing what she is saying & the point she is making. Would you really be okay if the roles were reversed? Would you really not be upset if your husband was doing that? I know for a fact that I definitely would be upset & hurt!
July 31st, 2014 at 4:03 pm
I love this so much! I’m not a perfect Christian by any stretch of the imagination. I did read the first book (quite possibly for different reasons than most; my friend was telling me how horribly it was written and so many people I knew were talking about it). The person who wrote the book shouldn’t have even been published. There are so many errors in the way of sentence structure it’s quite laughable. But that didn’t distract from the disgusting, terrifying (at least for me) parts of the story. That being said I love this post you did! It’s amazing. I want to put it on my Facebook but a have a few younger people on my page and I would hate to be removed because parents thought it inappropriate. Great job though! I feel you wrote this in a way that is not only NOT preachy but also accessible to younger minds. Thank you!
July 31st, 2014 at 4:12 pm
Great Post!
July 31st, 2014 at 4:54 pm
Thank you. Just thank you. You speak for countless women who don’t have the words or the courage to speak out against the tide of culture.
Blessings to you and yours.
July 31st, 2014 at 5:21 pm
It seems to me like you have NO earthly idea what 50 Shades of Grey is about.. Christain and Ana fall in love and get married.. Christian is the way that he is because of the way that his mother was to him when he was a kid.. And he found her dead and it was traumatizing.. The book is not “okaying” the way that he is, it’s explaining that you can’t judge somebody by the things that they have done.. And Ana was a virgin until Christain!
And since Twighlight was brought up as well, Bella and Edward were married before they ever had sex! So I don’t know where you are getting your facts, but you have no idea what you are talking about.
August 3rd, 2014 at 1:09 am
So it is OK for your husband to watch porn if the characters are married?
July 31st, 2014 at 5:26 pm
Preach it Girl! I’ve been married 34 years, 7 months and 4 days and my husband is the best! I was just bragging about it yesterday! http://lifebeginsatfortysomething.blogspot.com/2014/07/little-things.html
July 31st, 2014 at 5:34 pm
I love this. The ladies I work with and I have had similar discussions on this topic. Thank you for giving us a new point of view!!!!
July 31st, 2014 at 5:59 pm
Something people seem to be forgetting is that he PAYS her for her submission and while people may cry foul that he actually loves her and changes he is basically paying for a sex service—something the book makes clear he’s done REPEATEDLY-and it even glimpses into the after effects for some of those women who are damaged and have plenty of memories of their own with him. Besides the fact that he’s arrogant and controlling the book can/does create envy and dissatisfaction-but isn’t that what fantasy is about? And there are plenty of ways for a husband and wife to learn new ideas and techniques without these soft porn books. I guess my point is she isn’t his first and she’s somehow “different/special” from the rest and she wants to be with someone with that kind of history?! No thanks ladies I have better men than that in my life.
July 31st, 2014 at 6:10 pm
If your husband is such a great guy, why didn’t you take his last name?
July 31st, 2014 at 7:02 pm
I did. Had this blog and ministry before I was married.
August 2nd, 2014 at 2:49 pm
Even if she didn’t take his name, that has nothing to do with her opinion of him. There are many reasons one might keep one’s maiden name, and in some cultures that is the norm.
July 31st, 2014 at 6:40 pm
HMS – I just wanted to thank you for posting an honest blog and sharing your views. I’ve read many articles on 50 Shades, and this one has been my favorite to read. I started the first book of the series last year to see what all the hype was about – about 7 chapters in, I had to put it away. I felt extreme convictions and had to get rid of it. I justified my buying the book on me being single, so I wouldn’t be doing wrong by anyone. However, God told me to put it away so that’s what I did. Bottom line – it’s hard to fight what the popular thing is, but as a Christian, our satisfaction from the Lord. Thanks again!
July 31st, 2014 at 6:56 pm
Great post, my only question or problem, is why don’t you have your husband’s last name?
July 31st, 2014 at 7:04 pm
Hi! I do. Personally and legally I am Haley Landers. Had this blog and ministry before I was married.
August 2nd, 2014 at 7:55 am
Seriously?? Someone’s only “problem” is that you don’t have your husband’s last name on your blog page??? Oh. My. Cow. Someone needs a life.
July 31st, 2014 at 7:02 pm
I LOVE this article! I have several friends who have tried to get me to watch Magic Mike, read the 50 Shades series, and say I “just have” to go see the new movie with them. They tease me for saying I don’t watch/read that sort of stuff because it’s not “my thing.” This article really encourages me to keep it up.
I don’t mean to spam, but I keep a blog that focuses on marriage from a Christian perspective. (I also have TONS of articles for wedding planning). I’ve written a lot about the lessons I’ve learned since I became a wife. You should check it out if you’re interested.
http://www.smalltownchristianbride.wordpress.com
July 31st, 2014 at 7:08 pm
Hi Haley! I just wanted to say I read your Blog, and it has been the best one to date that i Have read! even though I have read the books- even multiple times and the way I saw the story was different then most people- I enjoyed the story- it would have been great with out all the sex in it thats for sure! But– and thats a big BUT..;-) My opinion has been ever changing about the books and The way you wrote your blog and even your comments to people has helped broaden my point of view on things. I appreciate that youre more encouraging and less condenming which most blogs i have read seemed to be filled with such condemnation and unlovingness toward people about these books. Im currently writing my own take of things just a different perspective- Would it be ok to link and reference your blog on mine? Thanks a bunch!
July 31st, 2014 at 7:10 pm
Absolutely! Thanks, Clara!
July 31st, 2014 at 7:21 pm
This is so fabulous🙌 I’m so glad to hear women who are on the same page about this… for a while all I heard was positivity about the book/movie!
July 31st, 2014 at 7:22 pm
Reblogged this on One mind. Expressing one perspective. and commented:
I cannot even put into words how fabulous this post is.
July 31st, 2014 at 7:25 pm
As I sit here on my porch, with my copy of fifty shades darker beside me, I can’t help but laugh at all the commotion your blog has caused. (One might think you blogged this merely for attention; but a good Christian wouldn’t do such an egotistical thing, right?) Reading a book about sin, does not make you a sinner. Reading a book about fictional characters lustful view of sex, does not mean that you partake or will partake in that yourself. And even if you do (which I am guilty of) you’re not in the position to judge. Reading the book does not mean you are not “honoring” your husband/boyfriend nor are u hurting your relationship with him. Goodness, it is a book. If reading this book is sinful, than reading ANY book with characters not fully living a Christian life is sinful. If I read “of mice and men” then I must have an urge to kill my best friend. If I read “Romeo and Juliet” I must have the urge to commit suicide. I know a book that has a lot of sinful stories inside of it: the Bible. Get off your high horse. Imma go read my book now y’all:)
August 4th, 2014 at 6:18 pm
You’re stupid aren’t ya? That’s the only logical explination after that comment.
August 8th, 2014 at 6:32 pm
You’re right; reading a book about sin does not make you a sinner. We’re already sinners.
And allowing temptation into your life, especially temptation under the guise of “it’s a good story”, “they’re in love”, or any other justification, will pull you down, whether you realize it or not. “Let there be not a hint of sexual immorality”. That’s what He said. That’s what He meant. That’s what I believe, and that’s what I’ll live by because He died for me to be able to stand up to that sort of temptation and every other kind.
July 31st, 2014 at 7:29 pm
So you’ve only been married 3 yrs., huh? Heh heh – come back and talk to us after you’ve celebrated your 10 or 15 yr. anniversary. I talked about my husband the way you talk about yours after I had only been married 3 yrs – in fact, I spoke about him that way after our 6th or 7th yr. anniversary! Then I found out how he had been cheating on me the whole time (with “friends” of mine from our church!) and it seemed that everyone knew about it but me! Our children – who attended our church’s school – were humiliated & shunned by other kids whose parents didn’t want their kids associating with a family like “ours.” And still I stayed with him – believing that my kids were better off with a dad in the house than without. But if you would talk to my son or daughter today (ages 24 & 23), they would tell you that they wish I had left my husband and had gotten them out of that house and away from him. My husband ended up leaving us for a much younger woman when my son was a senior in high school. Obviously, I wouldn’t wish that scenario on you or anyone else, but don’t be so quick to judge women who may not have a glowing testimony about their husbands or marriages……there may be a very good reason why
August 2nd, 2014 at 8:01 am
She never, in any way, “judged women who may not have a glowing testimony about their husbands or marriages” … ever … in any way. Sad that your bad experience has turned you bitter and believing that she’ll ‘surely’ come back in 10 or 15 years with a sad story of how bad things have gotten by then … as if everyone married for any length of time will most surely go through what you went through. I’m sorry that you went through that, seriously, but there are a lot of us out here with 20, 30 and more years of marriage who STILL feel “that way” about our wonderful husbands. And I’m not ‘bragging’ … by any means, because I went through something similar to what you went through in my first marriage and it was devastating … so I’m just saying – there ARE good marriages out there and your attitude that she is just “innocently delusional” about her good husband, just because she’s in her first few years of marriage, is really skewed.
July 31st, 2014 at 7:43 pm
Ok but who is Jeremy Landers?
July 31st, 2014 at 7:51 pm
I don’t have to watch porn to know it’s a sin and it’s wrong…the same goes with ” 50 Shades”…I don’t have to read it to know it’s erotica which is basically chick porn.
July 31st, 2014 at 8:04 pm
If Jesus came into the room and asked you what you were reading would you be able to answer without any shame or guilt?? If so, then let him sit with you while you read the book aloud to him. If you would be ashamed or embarrased, then you shouldnt read the books nor should you justify why you think its OK to read them.
July 31st, 2014 at 8:44 pm
You are correct about how most church ladies view Christian marital sex as something that should be ‘somber’. What??? But yeah. They do. In 2004 I went with our ladies church group and I’d just turned 40 and was pretty much the youngest one. When one of the conference teachers made the statement of how God created sex for married husbands and wives to enjoy becoming one with each other. To be passionate and ravage each other’s bodies I heard ladies in my group gasp! And then when she said that the refrigerator was a great resource to keep things exciting, I thought the ladies with me were going to faint!! But I just laughed at them all and shook my head! But it is most certainly to be only between the husband and wife and no one else in any way, shape or form. Thank you for sharing!
July 31st, 2014 at 8:56 pm
Well said!
July 31st, 2014 at 9:02 pm
The problem with this article is that it assumes your way of thinking is correct. Your image of God is one that exists out of fear. My God is a loving and nonjudgmental God who never turns his back on me. God loves everyone equally.
Saying that seeing your husband think another woman is beautiful would upset you just speaks to your own insecurity in your relationship.
This sort of regressive thinking is harmful because people who view sex in such a strict form end up being the people who are the most likely to rebel because they are so repressed sexually. Look at priests in the Catholic Church. They end up raping little boys because they have decided that sex is wrong-yet they do it anyway in a way that is much more harmful to society.
July 31st, 2014 at 9:10 pm
You don’t have your husband’s last name on your website, music, Facebook account, blog, and whatever else is on the internet. For a woman who claims to be so smitten over him, that seems a little strange. I know my husband would be upset and hurt if I did the same. Just a thought..
August 2nd, 2014 at 8:04 am
Maybe her husband likes a little privacy … kind of like Dolly Parton’s husband … likes to stay out of the public eye. What a weird and nitpicky thing to focus on …
August 8th, 2014 at 6:39 pm
She created the blog before she was married
July 31st, 2014 at 9:16 pm
[…] huge insecurities they can not get past. It seems this very way with Mrs. Haley Smith in her post The Problem with 50 Shades of Grey while she thoroughly paints a picture of a man doing what the secular woman would by fawning over […]
July 31st, 2014 at 10:15 pm
I personally loved the books and cannot wait for the movie. My husband approves too 😉
We have a healthy sexual relationship and love to try new things. It hurts no one and helps bring us closer.
TMI probably but just wanted to share.
July 31st, 2014 at 10:33 pm
AWESOME POST!!! I wrote a blog a couple of years ago on this subject. http://wp.me/pVonR-iW Thank you for standing up!
July 31st, 2014 at 11:01 pm
This just popped up on my news feed on Facebook today and caught my eye so I read it. I have read the books and was actually excited about the movie. This post has really changed my views about it I guess I knew it wasn’t “right” or “appropriate” to read but I did it anyway. I was actually one of the last of all my friends to read it, but I gave in and did, and I’m ashamed to say i enjoyed reading it. Thank you so much for posting this. I’m grateful. I will not be watching the movie. Nor keeping the books. I have been married 3 years and would NEVER want my husband to think that I thought any less of him bc I was reading the books. I would also NEVER want him to be reading, watching, even thinking about anyone else. Ha anyway, thanks again!! 🙂
July 31st, 2014 at 11:03 pm
Thank you for this post. I have read several, but no where near all, of the comments. The ones speaking against your comments make my heart sad. These women are justifying their behavior, in other words allowing satan to keep his grip on them, so they can feel good about reading these types of books.
There are more than enough ideas in Song of Solomon to keep a sex life enjoyable. As you pointed out sex isn’t just about having a “great sex life” or just about it being fun. It is so much more than that and I thank you for saying so and for saying what the “more” is. If women or men are needing ideas for their sex lives, I really don’t think they have “great sex lives” as they claim. If someone truly feels they need ideas, then pray about and ask Jesus to give you those ideas.
One commentator truly saddened me when she said that if someone wants to be tied up, that’s ok. It is not okay, that is a type of bondage and we are not to be in bondage to anyone.
Thank you again for being brave enough to post this and for coming back politely to some of the people who disagree with you. Satan is very slick and I am like everyone else and slide down the slippery slope sometimes. I hope that the women who are justifying, in my opinion, will seek the Lord’s desire and Will for this situation in their lives and not assume that what they are doing is okay.
July 31st, 2014 at 11:04 pm
I think that is ridiculous. If you actually read the book, you would know that it is a really good story. I personally loved all 3 of them. Just because I read them doesn’t mean I was fantasizing about another man other than my husband. I don’t know how this is getting thrown in to the porn catagory. Yes I would get mad if my husband sat there and watched porn or looked at pictures of naked girls. If I remember right, 50 Shades doesn’t have a naked man on the cover or throughout the book. Yes it has sex scenes but does it last ALL through the book? No. My husband didn’t have a care in the world that I was reading them. It didn’t affect our relationship one bit. If anyones marriage got messed up because the wife wanted to read these then obviously they had problems before. Just because I read 50 Shades, Twilight, Hunger Games, or all these other books doesn’t mean it will affect how I feel about my husband or life and want more and want something different. They are books. Books have characters. They were made to read. I read when I have time to myself. (with 3 kids that doesnt happen often) We all have our own opinions and that is mine.
August 8th, 2014 at 6:46 pm
You’d be mad if your husband used porn. So how does reading explicit sex scenes and imagining them in your head not qualify as pornographic material? The fact that it “doesn’t last ALL throughout the book” doesn’t negate its existence. It’s there, and it’s porn.
July 31st, 2014 at 11:24 pm
who seriously cares?
August 1st, 2014 at 12:12 am
This would have been decent without the Christian BS propaganda. You lost me after “its a sin.” Woman please, this is the 21st century, and not everyone is a Christian
August 2nd, 2014 at 8:08 am
LOL! And you expected NOT to find a “Christian viewpoint” on a blog written by a Christian woman!! How hilarious!!!
August 1st, 2014 at 12:53 am
WOW! Just wow to the commenters. This crew is amazing. Haley, I love this. You are SOOOOO right about the whole thing. Been married for 23+ years and I will not read them out of respect for my husband and myself. This world is becoming sadder and sadder. Remember that the Bible prophesies: things will be as they were in the days of Noah before the Lord comes again. We are headed down that road.
August 1st, 2014 at 1:27 am
As a woman that has been married for 19 years and has weathered the storms and reveled through the many joyful times, I have to completely agree with you. You are spot on! AMEN sister!
August 1st, 2014 at 1:29 am
This link was on a friends Facebook page, and now I wish I never clicked on it. That is not because of the blog itself, but rather because of the comments. I am honestly floored about the closed-minded comments I have read. There are many women who claim a Christian life whom I feel could not be farther from it. ALL of you ladies need to keep in mind that EVERYONE is different; God created us uniquely and to be beautiful just as we are. He made us to be different, and created in his own image. There is nothing wrong with the act of reading the book. It is what the person chooses to do with what they have read. Some women choose to lust over it, while others, such as myself, do not. Do I think because I have read “pornographic” material that I am sinner? No, because I did not act upon it. I did not lust for “Christian Grey” or another person. I am beyond content and completely secure in my relationship. I am nothing but sorry for those who do not have security in themselves, and therefore none in their relationship. It appears that many women who commented are insecure in themselves. Unfortunately, society has a huge impact on affecting a woman’s esteem. But if you trust in God that he has created you as you should be, then you won’t feel inferior by reading some book. If it helps your sex life with your spouse, then great! If you find yourself lusting for someone other than your husband, then that is the problem of the PERSON, not the book! People are completely capable of thinking inappropriate thoughts all on their own. I don’t agree a book should be faulted for that. Look inside yourself for the problem, not in the pages.
August 1st, 2014 at 2:14 am
Agree!! You said it exactly how I wanted to!
August 1st, 2014 at 2:40 am
By that logic, Ash, you should have no problem with your husband viewing porn, as long as he doesn’t go out and actually sleep with another woman. And if that’s your stance, then you have to admit it is unabashedly not of God and you just don’t care. This isn’t about security or a woman’s esteem. This is about keeping the marriage bed undefiled, not letting anyone or anything come between us and our spouse. Of course, this is all written from a Christian perspective, so if you’re not a believer you are not bound by this.
August 1st, 2014 at 1:29 am
I really appreciate your humor and the way you addressed this issue. I have not read the books, but that’s because I know that what I read affects me. When I read, I make pictures in my mind, like an inner movie. Some of the things I read as a kid were damaging to me. I read a lot. I read everything I wanted to in the kid’s section and wandered into the adult section. I was not prepared for what I found there. I think some of the people who defend the book aren’t considering the emotional and spiritual damage it can be doing in their inner life. Jesus lets us know that our inner life is important when he says lusting is like adultery and being hateful is like killing. So, our thoughts do matter. What we put into our minds matters. Anyway, just wanted to thank you for writing this.
August 1st, 2014 at 1:38 am
Thank-you for saying this. I’ve gained so much more insight.
August 1st, 2014 at 2:16 am
As a former porn addict (video and book form), I really connected with this. I got so low that I even became the mistress of a married man to fulfill my fantasies. I really appreciate the points you made about women being just as guilty of this, even though they get all up in arms regarding men and pornography. Even romance novels are bad, as they paint unrealistic pictures of married life.
August 1st, 2014 at 2:47 am
First off, AMEN. Kudos to you, Haley, for speaking out on such a controversial topic with both grace and confidence. ‘Heard some good stuff on the radio this morning too on similar topic… Please listen. It’s not spam! Whether you agree or disagree with Haley’s post, I think all of us can benefit from listening to these recent (super short) interviews with Marian Jordan Ellis, author of “Sex and the Single [Christian] Girl: Fighting for purity in a rom-com world .” In the early ’60s, the founder of Cosmopolitan Magazine, Helen Gurley Brown, wrote “Sex and the Single Girl,” a non-fiction advice book to young single women (obviously).
I would say that neither the book, and certainly not the interviews are exclusively for single ladies. Women of all ages and marital statutes could benefit from reading or listening. 🙂
http://www.familylife.com/audio/series/2014/sex-and-the-single-christian-girl
August 1st, 2014 at 3:23 am
I have to say good read and good perspective. Honestly, if we were to get biblical, then reading the book at all would be rejecting Christ’s teachings regardless of how it affects your Christian sex life. I believe Christ said that even lusting after another is cheating, much less the act. Paul said to remove yourself with prayer and fasting lest you be caught ‘burning’ in lust, and if you must have sex, let it be with your spouse. So, I am not judging anyone who read the book, I am merely stating that by condoning the book regardless of your use of it I.e. I could get a playboy to learn more sexual exploration with my wife, is in no way, shape, form, or fashion in line with any biblical teachings in any sense…at all. But if you choose to read it and like it, its your own free will.
August 1st, 2014 at 3:23 am
50SoG is simply about sex, it’s about exploring one’s human desires, about the assertion and domination of another human. Although in all honesty, this “domination” is the vanilla side of the fetish world. Women go crazy for the fictional character because they desire to know what it’s like to have someone take you to and beyond your limits…unfortunately, while they’re focusing on this individual who doesn’t exist there is a man in their lives that would enjoy exploring their intimate moments together, who would love to know about their deep hidden desires and the things that excite them the most.
As I said before, it’s the vanilla side of the fetish world, but I truly believe that sex is meant to be explored and enjoyed. Most men watch porn, because they get to see things they really wish would happen in their own personal time with their partner, women do the same whether thru a book or a website. However if they took a little more time to invest in exploring their sexual desires with their husband/partner, they wouldn’t need to go see some lame movie based upon a poorly written and very unreal version of the fetish world.
I am lucky enough to have met and married the man that makes all of my dreams come true, both in our daily lives and in our intimate times. I don’t need 50SoG to dream about, when I can get the real thing.
August 1st, 2014 at 3:24 am
Awesome! I love what you said about people considering spouses a burden and marriage a negative thing. You are so right and I loved reading your thoughts. Thank you for putting my feelings to words! And I’m just curious- why didn’t you take your husband’s last name? 🙂
August 1st, 2014 at 2:56 pm
Hi Sydney! Thanks for your words! I actually did take it. I had been doing this ministry some years before I met him and I started writing this blog before we were married, so enough people just knew me as Haley Morgan Smith for ministry purposes that it was a little confusing to change it in that way. But personally, everyone knows me as Haley Landers. And I like it. It was weird the first year, but so was EVERYTHING. HAHA:)
August 1st, 2014 at 4:19 am
Reblogged this on by God's grace, the Wallaces and commented:
It’s like she took the words out of my mouth – only, towards my man 😉
Lift your husbands up, respect them.
Thank Haley for writing this out!
August 1st, 2014 at 4:38 am
Yes very well said, my boyfriend took me to see the fault in our stars and on our ride home I turned to him and said “you are so much better than him” bc I do think that it could hurt guys feelings if their girlfriends/wife’s are gushing over another man.
August 1st, 2014 at 5:04 am
Not everybody that reads this book lusts after Grey…..or even fantasizes about this type of lifestyle and in fact this series was WAY more of a love story than a dirty book. Any book I have ever read about falling in love, including this one has only made me hug my husband tighter because they bring back all of the memories of how I fell in love with him. Although the story is extremely different, the feelings are the same. It’s frustrating to see all the bashing….let people make the decision for themselves whether or not it’s the right choice for them to read the book or see the movie.
August 1st, 2014 at 5:05 am
I do not need to read the book to know the book condones sin. I can verify that simply by reading comments on here by people who have read the books. Simple college girl has premarital sex (that’s putting it mildly) with well-to-do business man. She “saves” him and teaches him how to love. This is not what we want for our daughters and sons. That is a dysfunctional, codependent relationship. Come on, people. We don’t need to read the books to know it contains some bad stuff, even if there is a smidgen of good buried within. That’s a rationalization. Thank you for this post. I’m glad to see some ladies speaking the truth on this subject.
August 1st, 2014 at 8:47 am
I agree with most of what you are sayings. We have to remember these books/ trilogies are made fore entertainment….I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again 50 is a love story we are reading someone’s loves story but no one saw anything wrong with the notebook ?! I have my own love story and it still hasn’t ended. Some women have too much time & have these fantasies….not my problem not my barrel of monkeys.
August 1st, 2014 at 8:53 am
Haley, I have a real problem with your blog….i have been married to the same man for almost twenty years. We dated a year and a half before that and were engaged. Yes, I was pregnant before we were married. We did not marry because I was pregnant and we did not marry for sex because that was already established. We married because we loved each other. Now has our marriage been perfect??? No. We have probably been through every scenario you can think of.We have been real low and have been very high but fought through the hard times and laughed at the good times….we never stopped loving each other and we always came back out on top. Now I have read all 3 50 shades of Grey and enjoyed them. My husband new what I was reading and was ok with it. So I went and bought a sexy little night thing and pink stilettos and enjoyed my husband that night. My marriage has become stronger over the years and im not gonna let a book movie or anything destroy it. The reason why is I knew my husband wasn’t perfect when I married him and he knew I wasn’t perfect but you don’t marry someone because they’re perfect or because you think other people will approve . You marry someone because you love them and say no matter good or bad sickness and in health im gonna love you and stick by you. And that is one of the points this book I think was trying to make. And before you go all holier than thou on me I was raised strict Church of God and I’m still Church of God. I’ve seen God work miracles in my life and I know how strong my faith and my marriage is. I’m not so weak minded nor is my husband to let a book or movie come between us. If you feel so strongly about this maybe you should go hug your husband and tell him and show him how much you love him because in the end it’s not up to a fictional book to destroy your relationship with your husband or God that will truly be up to you to destroy it. So in a way the book is doing a good. You see your husband is a good and loving man. Don’t let a book dictate your relationship. Don’t take your husband for granted because if you had read the books Christian Grey grew up in a bad way and alot of kids do….so it should make you appreciate your husband for who he is or isn’t….and if your marriage isn’t strong enough to survive a book then how is it going to survive something stronger??? And some people are throwing twilight in the mix??? Do you not know what teenagers were doing when this movie came out??? Biting each other trying to be vampires!!! Don’t be so weak minded.
August 1st, 2014 at 11:31 am
Like sometimes you just need a trashy beach read in life. Is that so bad? Not everyone who reads this book is some strange fanatic who is going to hell. Then again, I am an atheist with Jewish ethnicity so maybe I already am. By writing such a detailed length article over something a book so disgustingly pointless to begin with – it looks like you are the one who is a little obsessive much.
August 1st, 2014 at 12:07 pm
I want a t shirt that says “my husband > Christian Gray”
August 1st, 2014 at 12:27 pm
Reblogged this on Waiting with Expectation and commented:
This is just way too awesome not to share!
August 1st, 2014 at 12:47 pm
Maybe I’m the odd one out but I have read all three books plus the crossfire series….yes there is a lot of sex but that’s like a side story to me because what I’m really interested in is the emotions between the characters and their back stories and how it brings them together to make each other better. It annoys me to know end when people concentrate on the sex aspect of it because there really is more than that. And to say it hurts our relationship with our husbands…no….it only hurts it if you are wishing he was Christian grey. Frankly my husband loves when I re-read the books. And no I’m not wishing he is Christian while I’m having sex with him. And for the record I was brought up in the church and still have my Christian values…..I just don’t judge people like I feel a lot of Christians do now a days.
August 5th, 2014 at 4:27 pm
Thank you very much! I totally agree. I feel that this is a personal decision (as evident from my comment). I’ve also read the crossfire series and love my romance novels. They bring me closer to my husband. I don’t feel bad about reading them but do have strong convictions in other areas of my life. Why? because I know that the energy I get from the books goes straight to my loving husband of 10 years. Am I thinking about Gideon or Christian when I’m with him? Puhlease……absolutely not even a thought!
This comes down to two types of Christians – the ones who are less judgmental and less compartmentalized and the ones who need everything in a box with a label. Nothing wrong with either, but it bothers me that there is so much judgement. And, knowing the opinions of some unbelievers, that’s what keeps them out of church and you know what? That’s super sad! We need to do better. Our job is to win souls for God, not argue about if alcohol is a sin or dunking or sprinkling is right or if these books are ‘sinning’.
You know I believe there are somethings in life that may be a sin for one person and not for another. This is an example. If these books take away from your relationship with your husband or cause obsessive or lustful thoughts towards others, yeah – stop reading them. If not, go ahead. Same with alcohol. If you can stop after a drink or two, great – go ahead. If not, don’t drink, you’ll end up drunk doing things you’ll regret and sinning in the process. It’s a matter of perspective.
I’m just glad to hear another person out there shares my sentiments. 🙂
August 1st, 2014 at 1:01 pm
Very well said. Thank you.. 🙂
August 1st, 2014 at 1:14 pm
I like this and I’m not even married.
August 1st, 2014 at 1:18 pm
[…] (here is her blog: https://haleymorgansmith.wordpress.com/2014/07/29/the-problem-with-50-shades-of-grey/?blogsub=confir… ) […]
August 1st, 2014 at 1:20 pm
Reblogged this on epheMERAki and commented:
I am not the only one thinking that 50 Shades of Grey is trash. We cannot deny that Christian Greys exist in the world and that’s a fact. These series of books merely reflects what is. It’s in our sole control as humans if we appreciate this just as a work of literature – just that, period – or we read it (or all three of them), go gaga about it and let it muddle our perspective by objectifying women.
August 1st, 2014 at 1:22 pm
You have lost it, totally a nut bag, wow, yeah cant say anymore………..you people take the bible toooooo literal!!!
August 1st, 2014 at 1:36 pm
Thank you for this article. I was just speaking to my sister and my son about these very issues. I had posted another link to an article about this series of books on my FB page, and ended up getting in a debate about it as I was told “It was just a book”…I won’t go into the whole drama , but I will NOT apologize for my faith, or feel I have to defend it. I do think that books such as this have led to the moral decay of our society today. I just wanted to tell you how much I appreciate your words, and what it means to “Honor” our husbands. They struck deep within my soul this morning. God Bless you!!
August 1st, 2014 at 2:01 pm
Girl, you are ON POINT! The only comment I read on this thread was someone trying to rebuttal your statements. Stand your ground. I haven’t touched one of these books, but I’ve heard people talking about them enough to know it isn’t something I’d want to go near (for all the reasons you mentioned and more). Yes, we are all humans and sinners. But as Christians we are supposed to hold each other accountable (not judge, but remind each other of our purpose and help each other when we go astray). And I feel you are doing just that. I shared this immediately when I read it. Thank you for writing this.
August 1st, 2014 at 3:42 pm
This is an OUTstanding article! Bravo to the writer! Bravo to Haley Morgan Smith! Thank you so much for sharing this! I shared on Facebook and hope your article gets out to many others. We need Godly women warriors to make a stand! God bless you and your Husband!
August 1st, 2014 at 3:50 pm
The problem is, people keep saying, “It’s just a book” or “It’s just a movie” or “It’s not like the characters are real people.” So if all of those statements are true, why does it bother people so much when a person disagrees with those statements? That just goes to show that the issue is much deeper than it being “just a book”. It shows that the book has effected our emotions and when someone says something contrary to our emotions, we tend to get a little worked up. I haven’t read the books and if I’m looking for ways to enhance my (wonderful) sex life, there’s plenty of sex books besides this series. It just seems that this series, along with many other sexually enticing series, has become more of an emotional issue, rather than being just a book. And for us women, we know sex is definitely an emotional thing. Thanks for standing firm in your convictions. I applaud your bravery.
August 1st, 2014 at 4:09 pm
Hello. I in no way condone random sex with people. But your letter talks about marriage and faithfulness and honor and how bad everything else is. And I agree a lot of stuff on tv is over the top. But I have been married 30 years. Been faithful. And now my husband has left. I am almost 50. Alone. Don’t want to go thru marriage again. I do not want to sleep around but if I found a man who I cared for and we wanted a relationship without marriage or living together am I doomed to never experience that closeness of sex again. There are so many women and men out there nowadays in this situation. So what’s your take on this???
August 1st, 2014 at 5:28 pm
I’m so sorry for your situation. I can’t imagine how hard that must be! However, sex outside of marriage is sin. Plain and simple. Sex was designed by God as a way to consummate marriage vows. If you desire to follow God’s command on this issue, then no marriage = no sex. If you do not feel committed enough to someone to marry that person, then you should not have sex with him.
August 1st, 2014 at 4:17 pm
Sorry people this is christian view not worldly view. God says no to porn that’s just common sense and you ppl who say its just a book well I heard ppl say the same thing about TV shows that are just pornos. Gods ppl open your eyes this stuff is the devil. Its NOT ok! This just shows you how far away from god the world is. God help us all. My husband says the same thing about these kind of books.
August 1st, 2014 at 4:41 pm
Maybe you are not open to other’s opinions, but you are taking this wayyyyyyy overboard. I’m a female. I’m married. My husband and I have an AMAZING sex life, as well as a wonderful relationship. But I know for a fact he flirts and admire women. He most likely looks at porn and masterbates. As well as every man on the planet has done. Biology drives men (and most women) to do things like watch pornography or ‘check out’ other women. It’s deep inside them. They can’t help it. I know my husband comes home to me at the end of the day. ‘Lust’ is just biology. Maybe it is a sin in your eyes, but we were put on this earth to procreate. We are physically driven to have sex once puberty has taken place.
I could go on all day about this. I see women like you throwing the book at people…judging them, if you will, but every person has their own beliefs and relationships that work for them. Sex is a beautiful thing, and it definitely is for everyone. If you think you will get through to people by not being open minded sexually, you are mistaken. Everything in history, in our physiology, and in nature will fight you on this.
August 1st, 2014 at 5:09 pm
For all of you trying to justify this book: the language ALONE is reason enough to avoid it. Yes, I’ve read them. All 3 of them. And there is hardly a page in any of the books that isn’t filled with foul language. Was I wrong to read them? Absolutely! But like many others, I justified it as being a love story. Soon enough, I was so drawn in that I didn’t want to stop reading, while in my heart I KNEW it was so wrong! If you can’t believe the books are sinful for their sexually explicit content, then please help me understand how you justify the language. It cannot be done. My father used to tell me that when I questioned whether something was holy or not, to ask myself if I would continue in it if Jesus were physically sitting beside me. Would you read this book with Jesus PHYSICALLY at your side, or would you be ashamed and put it away? If you have Jesus in your heart, isn’t it the same thing? It is sin. A sin that I, ashamedly, partook in. It didn’t make me love my husband any less, but that, in itself, is not the only problem with this book. How is the f* word, or GD EVER okay to be entertained by?
August 2nd, 2014 at 12:06 pm
I wouldn’t read anything if Jesus (or anyone) were physically at my side. That seems rude.
August 1st, 2014 at 5:14 pm
Agreed! This was awesome and needs to be shared
August 1st, 2014 at 5:40 pm
Reblogged this on WordsFromIndia.
August 1st, 2014 at 5:48 pm
Reblogged this on As told by CatMan, The Rose Bandit and commented:
This was cool and well spoken.
August 1st, 2014 at 5:57 pm
Honestly I see your point, but also its JUST a movie. I mean I don’t care if my boyfriend would think that the actresses are hot or fantasize about them, it is human nature. I understand that list is a sin… Everything is a sin.
But FYI, not everyone believes in “God”
And I am one of them who doesn’t.
I believe in the bible, but not god.
I believe we have a Creator, and he is not a “God”.
And honestly, sex is sex. Just because their sex is adventurous, dangerous, and rather demented doesn’t mean that ANY of us women have to join in on that type of sex.
August 1st, 2014 at 6:34 pm
I’ve not read 50 Shades and don’t plan to but I agree with HMS. My question is, why if a husband views porn for years, then stops, the wife should forget, forgive and believe it won’t happen again? But if a woman does it or has an affair, she’s not forgiven and can’t ever be trusted again?
August 1st, 2014 at 6:36 pm
I stumbled across this blog as a friend shared it via FB. I just wanted to chime in and offer some encouragement. Thank you for boldly voicing pretty spot on my thoughts on all of this. The “internet people” can be cruel. I think you have handled the negative and disagreeing comments well.
I haven’t read the books in entirety, but am very familiar with the author and the basis as I have several very close friends and acquaintances that have read the book and I have no plans to read them or watch the movie. I have a very good and amazing sex life with my husband, even with 2 small children. 🙂 Not boring at all. 😉
I also noticed a lot of the comment make statements about these books “helping” marriages. I don’t argue that that might be true in some cases. However, I personally have a couple of friends that made that claim initially and are now divorced, so I thought I would just offer that information.
August 1st, 2014 at 6:44 pm
The biggest problem with this book series isn’t explicit, pre-marital sex but the acceptance and promotion of abuse. Emotional and physical abuse are present in the relationship between the two main characters yet all any one talks about is the sex. Abusive relationships are not okay and I can’t believe anyone would fantasize about being with such a controlling, abusive man.
August 2nd, 2014 at 12:03 pm
Yes! I can’t understand why the appeal is there for a man to possess and control and cause pain. That’s certainly not what I want in my relationship. It’s no wonder we’re going backwards in the fight for equality.
August 5th, 2014 at 4:30 pm
except this is not abusive – it’s completely consensual. BDSM is safe, sane and consensual – always. Even in the book, it’s always consensual. Ana has a safeword to use if she wants. Some people like a little pain with their sex.
August 1st, 2014 at 6:57 pm
AMEN AMEN AMEN!!! Haley, THANK YOU! I am a 26yo Christian woman in the most amazing, loving relationship that is 10x better than I could have dreamt (we’re hoping to get married in the next 18 months), and what is real (God’s plan for us) versus what is fake (what the world says we should do) has been a very real struggle.
I didn’t read 50SoG when it came out, and I was embarrassed by the movie trailer despite having a curious, active imagination. My boyfriend is not a virgin, but we established right away that we’d still wait until we’re married because it’s important to him to honor God by honoring me through “inaction.”
I have no allusions that marriage is easy-peasy– All of the women who will stand up in my wedding are already married– but I’m excited to see how God works in our relationship through our decision to wait.
THANK YOU for affirming the decision to follow Christ, even when so many of my contemporaries in the church have decided that they can ignore that particular command. And THANK YOU for speaking the truth about what 50SoG and other related novels do to our brain and how they affect the way we view our spouses, fiances, and even boyfriends. I’ve never been so pleased to share something on my social media accounts. 🙂
August 1st, 2014 at 7:17 pm
Reblogged this on .holly.danielle.johnson. and commented:
A woman should be two things: classy & fabulous. Unfortunately a large majority of women seem only concerned with being fabulous. Throughout the last few generations, a classy lady has become more and more rare. The Bible says in Proverbs 31:25-31, 25
She is clothed with strength and dignity,
and she laughs without fear of the future.
26 When she speaks, her words are wise,
and she gives instructions with kindness.
27 She carefully watches everything in her household
and suffers nothing from laziness.
28 Her children stand and bless her.
Her husband praises her:
29 “There are many virtuous and capable women in the world,
but you surpass them all!”
30 Charm is deceptive, and beauty does not last;
but a woman who fears the Lord will be greatly praised.
31 Reward her for all she has done.
Let her deeds publicly declare her praise.
August 1st, 2014 at 7:21 pm
Thank you ladies for giving my book club friends and I something to laugh about and discuss. While my husband is out with his buddies hunting, fishing or playing golf. I am chatting it up with some really amazing ladies that share the same love that I do for books OF ALL KINDS. It is not a sin that I read the things that I do, nor is it shameful or disrespectful. It is ENTERTAINMENT. You ladies should really get off of your religious high horse and stop judging others.
August 1st, 2014 at 7:50 pm
hahahahaha. Oh Haley I just wanted to put some support on here for you, cuz. I love you and Jeremy and your marriage, and internet arguments make me giggle. Thank you for sharing your heart and soul and taking the heat for it, from some who did not critically read the post even!
I agree with you (as does my J!) and I think the porn/sex industry has created a lot of other problems in this world, like the demand for human trafficking (as well as slavery, but that’s a whole other issue).
You also presented the information in a witty and funny manner, so the people who are offended should look inside themselves for the reason for offense. Information never offends, but the attitude with which that information is received causes offense.
Thank you and have a blessed day. Only when you speak truth can you expect such a response. Then you know you’ve hit on something awesome!
August 1st, 2014 at 9:37 pm
As much as I hate 50 shades of grey and this ridiculous craze over it, your article stinks. The bible has a twisted view of marriage, and women in general. There is no such thing as hell, and God doenst hate anything. Ever.
August 1st, 2014 at 10:00 pm
… ok. So I read this. And then I read some of the comments. Haley just posted her opinion. And in all honesty, I agree with her opinion. I’m not saying either side is wrong, but there is no need to get into an argument about it… I’m just going to assume that i’m a little younger in my faith than most of you… I’ve been a Christian for 9 years. And I’ve had a lot of ups and downs. I’m also not married, and I’m still a virgin. But I still think that that book and books like it are wrong… My mum taught me that books let you be more imaginative than movies or videos. So I’ve always kept myself from reading things that have anything to do with sex. I understand both sides, but I just thought it would be nice to get a… uh… I guess a younger opinion? Though I believe it is wrong to read those books, it also depends on what you’re doing with the words you’re reading. Are you painting an elaborate picture? Are you reading it because it’s basically porn? It doesn’t effect all marriages in a bad way. Some it may help. Some not so much. It’s not what the books does to your relationship. It’s what you LET the book do to your relationship. That being said, I still think it’s wrong to write and wrong to read. And I just hope that you guys think about that… All of you… Because that is what God layed on my heart to say.
August 1st, 2014 at 10:50 pm
I have now read yours and the other blogs. I have talked to my friends who have different views on this. I have read the books and I enjoyed them. I too am a Christian, raising Christian children in the Church and Christian schools. The person I have most discussed this with is my husband. I have explained the plot to him and all the things that go along with the plot. He has absolutely no problem with me reading them and has actually encouraged it. Fifty Shades of Grey is a true love story (with lots of sex to boot! They are in a monogamous, loving relationship. I have been torn about this subject because I never want to be intentionally sinful. I pray God will forgive me if reading this love story is wrong.
August 1st, 2014 at 11:25 pm
I value anyone’s personal opinion because it makes for good dialogue. What I find very interesting about this blog is that you make assumptions based on who? Have you spoke to any husband’s of wives, boyfriends of girlfriend’s, etc who share the same views. If you have, your polling group must be very small. You generalize and make judgements(you are masking it as your opinion) about a group of people without any basis. People read for various reasons. Not everyone read for sex. Reading about sex to enhance their marital bed that is covered by the blood of Jesus is not wrong.
Not sure if you had premarital counseling with your church but they counsel you about a healthy sex life. Lack of money and sex is the number one reason marriages break up. Woman should not use sex a weapon. So if someone is reading about sex to enhance this aspect of their marriage nothing is wrong with it. We read financial reports to make our money grow so why not about sex.
In the bible sex is used for procreation(making babies) not for pleasure. That is why it is geared for a married couple. Now if you are having sex with your husband just because the urge rises for him, then according to the Bible and God’s word you are sinning. I am sure this argument will not fly with anyone’s husband or boyfriend.
In today’s day and age, and with all that is happening with children are we really going to send our kids into the world with “if you get into the back seat with a boy you will get pregnant or die?” What?
As a parent I want my kids armed with every piece of information to protect themselves. So in the event my daughter is raped, she is strong enough to report it and not worry about death or judgement.
In the 1800s this view would have been right on point. I would have championed your cause. But I ,(me) feel that this is coming across as you judging people for something they like. If you drink wine with diner I don’t think you would want a nondrinker saying to you that you are sinning because according to the Bible wine is not to be consumed for intoxicating purposes.
You also know an awfully about a book that you called unholy. I have read the series and let me tell you what I picked:
I learned that a nerdy girl can finish first and get the guy.
I learned that chivalry wasn’t dead.
I learned that a broken man that had a horrible start in life can realize that he deserves love and happiness.
I learned that you can be successful without going to college.
I learned about true friendships.
I learned that a family can be started by 2 people who couldn’t have children. Christian, Mia and Elliot were all adopted.
I learned that low self esteem can be changed. It only takes one person to care.
I learned that opposites attract and can make for an amazing love story.
Oh and yes here was the sex but I skipped over all but 2.
No one is without sin. I want the Jesus on this page to raise their hand. We should also remember that the Bible had hundreds of books about keeping the faith.
God Bless you and your family.
August 1st, 2014 at 11:35 pm
Hey there. I totally disagree with almost everything in this article. My girlfriend (and yeah, I’m a lesbian) loves Fifty Shades, but I never liked it. I can get past the content, but the writing is just horrendous. I just wanted to say that while I disagree with you, I totally applaud the way you wrote this article. It’s respectful and I took absolutely no offense. You handled a delicate subject with humor and wit while standing firm in your commitment to God. Hats off to you. 🙂
August 2nd, 2014 at 3:05 am
Thanks, Kelly! I appreciate your words! You must be a literature buff like my best friend. She said the same thing!
August 1st, 2014 at 11:37 pm
Haley, thanks for expressing yourself. I like a lot of your thoughts here, but I question some of them. You wrote, “Sex was made for married people. Why ONLY married people? Because sex is an incredibly emotional thing God created…” The fact that God created it and it is powerful and intimate does not mean it is only for married people. Where does Scripture actually say that sex is only for married people? That’s my question.
Adultery of course is clearly condemned, as is promiscuity, but Scripture doesn’t seem to teach that sex outside of marriage, in and of itself, is always a sin. Some verses can be twisted to imply that sex outside marriage is sin, but other passages imply otherwise. The Scriptures don’t say sex is a sin before marriage. So, no offense, but I get the feeling you are challenging me to accept *your* definition of sex, not necessarily God’s definition.
You’re right to identify the problems of lusting outside of marriage vows, and I applaud your call for women to honor, respect, and pray for their husbands too. All that is very clear in Scripture. All I really don’t agree with you on is your reasoning with regards to sex before marriage. You also say, “Sex also creates babies. I don’t know about you, but I want the father of my children to be someone I want to be around the rest of my life. Not just some guy who was cute at the time.” That’s a great point and an important consideration. However, you seem to assume that means *God* always condemns sex outside marriage. You also seem to assume that there is nothing in between marriage and “just some guy who is cute.”
You do know, don’t you, that it is possible for two people to be in love who haven’t married yet? The couple celebrated in the Song of Songs shares a bed before their marriage day. They are never condemned, and more importantly *that* is never condemned in Scripture. Of course we do want to think about things like intimacy, trust, and procreation as we try to live righteously and honorably before God and all. However, not all sex necessarily involves procreation. Some doesn’t even carry the risk of procreation.
Let’s definitely be faithful to our spouses, honor them, and pray for them, and let’s definitely seek to live in peace with the Spirit. However, at the same times, let’s not equate our own commands to God’s commands. That never ends well even with the best intentions. God knows what he is doing. Sex is scary powerful, I know. But so is legalism. Being powerful does not make something inherently bad or inherently only allowed in marriage. If God had wanted to command that no one ever have sex outside of being married, he easily could’ve (and I think would’ve) had that command placed in Scripture.
August 2nd, 2014 at 3:00 am
Hi David! Thanks for you post! I appreciate your time and words! I do believe people can be in love without being married, for sure. My mom was in love with my dad when they got pregnant with me, but they weren’t ever married. Plus, I was in love before I got married. The scripture I point to about marriage and sex would be 1 Corinthians 7:1-5, where Paul talks about marriage. Check that out. I for sure don’t want to just make up my own stuff and declare it the truth. I’m kind of an idiot when it comes to A LOT of things:) I also feel like that kinda stuff is what hurts the church in the first place- making our own rules and stamping God’s name on it. The reason I’m so passionate about the truth of God’s word is because of who He is as my Heavenly Father- or Daddy (more personal). Not the dude in the sky that will strike me down when I break one of His rules. I grew up in a VERY legalistic church which almost destroyed ever having a relationship with Him. I agree with you- legalism is powerful stuff. And can be rough stuff. Thanks for your response! I appreciate your words.
August 1st, 2014 at 11:50 pm
I do have one thing to ask about how sex is only for married people. Why do we only value physical intamcy for marriage above everything else? We don’t save emotional intimacy or spiritual intimacy for marriage, so why is the physical act valued so much more? I find that it is more nerve wracking to open up to someone emotionally than something phsycial. There are many tough break ups and heart aches from couples that never had sex. And I know someone will say that you have to know someone emotionally to marry them….then why not physically too? You can say it’s not God’s will, but please show me where it explicitly says that. This is just my two cents.
August 2nd, 2014 at 12:52 am
Thank You for This God Bless You!!!
August 2nd, 2014 at 1:20 am
Well. If reading 50 Shades of Grey is one of the worse sins I will ever commit according to Christian women, by gollie I’m gonna read me some 50 Shades! Woooo!
August 2nd, 2014 at 1:21 am
Thank you for this post. I’ve recently been struggling with how to explain this subject matter to my cousin who just lost her mom and is turning to boys for comfort. I hope you don’t mind but I’m stealing some of your words 😉 I was struggling because all I have are bad examples from my past to try and promote staying pure.. Thank u again!
August 2nd, 2014 at 1:48 am
Thank you for this post!!! I have a daughter, who is getting to that age where “the talk,” is impending.
You put it so well when you said, problem #2. That helps me so much to know where to start. Again thank you!
August 2nd, 2014 at 3:02 am
Thank you for writing this. You put yourself out there, and you are standing for righteousness. I will say that almost every woman that has replied to this post states they are “Christians.” That’s awesome! So, Instead of arguing with each other and stabbing each other with the Sword, why don’t we open our eyes to a whole world of people in bondage (no pun intended) that are crying out for the Answer. We have the Answer. We know real freedom. Stop arguing over this stuff and show people Jesus.
August 13th, 2014 at 1:44 am
Thanks, Jess! Agreed. Check out this follow-up blog. Less about us, more about Him. https://haleymorgansmith.wordpress.com/2014/08/07/are-you-all-in/
August 2nd, 2014 at 3:16 am
Haley, thought you might enjoy this quote from the Amplified Bible: “…let the wife see that she respects and reverences her husband [that she notices him, regards him, honors him, prefers him, venerates, and esteems him; and that she defers to him, praises him, and loves and admires him exceedingly]” Ephesians 6:33.
August 13th, 2014 at 1:42 am
Love it!
August 2nd, 2014 at 3:52 am
All men look at porn. Even your husband. If you think he doesn’t, you’re dumb. Which given your “bible” humping god loving preach session above, you are clearly naive. Yes. It’s porn for women. And that’s ok. If you disagree with it, don’t look at it. Don’t read it. I don’t agree with the bible, so I don’t read it. Stop trying to push your Christian views on everyone else.
August 3rd, 2014 at 4:24 am
Curious Heather, have you met “all men?” The reason I ask is because I simply don’t believe you’ve ever met my husband and he does not watch porn. I hear you asking, “how do you?” Simple answer? He loves me, values me and cherishes me. I respect my husband and do not degrade him. I respect him, he loves me. You can have that kind of relationship. Heather has expressed her views, you disagree. That’s fine. However, remember, just as she is not forcing you to read her Bible, is did not force you to read her blog and she didn’t push her views on you. She just spoke her heart about how she sees things.
August 2nd, 2014 at 3:52 am
Interesting points.
Lust is a sin. But when I read the book I’m NOT lusting after Christian Grey. It leaves me wanting my husband more. I don’t find that to be a sin.
It doesn’t necessarily just condone the worlds version and ignore Gods. It has taught me the beauty of feeling free to sexually express with my husband my sexual feelings and the beauty of the freedom within a relationship. Something which has been devastatingly suppressed by Evangelical Christianity.
Not sure what you mean by affecting the heart. I hasn’t changed my desires except to help free me up to wants husband more and be free to desire.
It’s unfair to blanketly state that it is bad for our relationships with our husbands. For some this may be true. For me it has done nothing but good. Growing up I’m Evangelical Christianity I have had a completely warped view of my sexuality and it has been devastating to my sexual relationship with my husband. This book is one of the many things that has been a positive influence.
I’m not saying this is everyone’s experience. Is it possible to idolize the book, the man, the relationship in the book? Of course. But you can say that of anything. Food. Losing weight. TV. Etc.
August 2nd, 2014 at 4:17 am
Hi Haley,
Great article! After reading it, you would probably love our new BIble study for young women titled First Love: Embracing a Love that Lasts. It’s real, raw and completely biblical. I was a church girl gone wild. I was left in the dark by the church with the “sex is taboo” take, while buying the world’s lie that sex in a casual relationship wasn’t as bad as the “do-gooders” say. You can listen to my testimony online in the About the Authors section. Would love for you to check it out and do an blog interview with you in relation to what’s going on in this generation with sex and other serious life struggles to help us promote a book that glorifies Jesus instead of garbage. What’d ya say?
August 13th, 2014 at 1:42 am
Would love to, Camille!
August 2nd, 2014 at 4:26 am
All – please read the book, “Pulling back the shades.” It explains all of this and more much more fully. It will explain why Biblically even the excuse of wanting more ideas or reading it together can still be a problem. It’s such a great book beyond just how it addresses Fifty Shades… It gets at the heart of God’s purpose and plan for sex.
August 2nd, 2014 at 4:31 am
I couldn’t understand why Twilight was even mentioned. Or why they’re even putting it in the same category as Magic Mike and 50 Shades of Grey. As a person stated before, Bella and Edward were married before they had sex, and j do not believe you should put 50 Shades and Twilight under the same category. They are completely different.
I am 24 years young, and I love reading. Especially romance novels. I have read all of the Twilight books (my favorite books) and I have also read the 50 Shades of Grey trilogy. And I enjoy them immensley.
A little more about me. I actually debated even posting on this article. I try my best not to judge others so hopefully you wi do the same. I was raised to go to church. Long story short, the older I got the more I distanced myself away from church. I know what my relationship with God is like and I know He loves me unconditionally. I am also in a commited relationship with my boyfriend, have been for nearly 2 years. And we have sex. Lots of it. He is only the 2nd man I’ve ever had sex with. I lost my virginity at the age of 19, and in my opinion, I’m perfectly happy with that. I knew that I didn’t want to “give it up” for just anyone.
The point being, I read the trilogy while I was in between relationships. And I loved them. It is a form of entertainment. Its just a story. My boyfriend knows I have the books. He also knows that he is the one that I sleep with every night. And I know the same. We love one another ( and have for years) we are not insecure in our relationship. He knows as well as I do that it is just a book, just a story. That I love him. I do not wish that he was like Christian Grey. Because it is not Grey who I love with my whole heart.
Women are commited to their men, but when a book like this comes along, we get caught up in the deep meaning of the book (and no, I’m not talking about the sex). The beauty of what makes these characters unique. The flaws of these characters. Their story that they have yet to tell.
Its just a book… just a form of entertainment. Yeah, its porn, but compared to the other eroticas out there, this trilogy is vanilla. 😉 (meaning it actually has a storyline to it that means so much more than just having kinky, wild sex.
August 2nd, 2014 at 9:23 am
Women who claim to love Jesus, if you think this is “just” a book/movie, I can assure you that this is a lie from the pit of hell. I am a missionary working with human trafficking abolition and this IS exactly how many women are lured into it. Just like this man, women are seduced and LIED to where the man leads her to believe that he loves her, but he then introduces her to S & M and it is demonic. PLEASE, if you claim to love Jesus and follow His leadership, ask Wonderful Counselor, Holy Spirit if this would be good for your eye gaits, the very things the enemy uses to taint the wellspring of life. Ask and listen for His answer, not the mind’s justification, but His answer, which will always be confirmed in Scripture.
August 2nd, 2014 at 11:51 am
The main problem with 50 Shades is that it’s poorly written and the character development is pathetic. I read the first book (because I like to know what I’m talking about when I have an opinion on something) and I’m pretty sure I lost a few IQ points. It’s drivel.
August 2nd, 2014 at 2:32 pm
You guys are sitting there saying how “unholy” and “sinful” this book is, and yet this whole blog and the comments are doing nothing but judge everyone who has read the book. Correct me if I’m wrong, but judging others is NOT your job. Especially over something as simple as a book. So sitting there judging other choices and telling them how much they are sinning, does not make you any better than them. Everyone sins differently, and some choose to do so through fantasy fiction, it is what it is.
August 2nd, 2014 at 2:39 pm
Just so you know, In twilight Bella andEdward wait until they are married to have sex. Might want to read these books before you judge.
August 2nd, 2014 at 4:05 pm
Great Blog!! I have started the book and I couldn’t made myself finish it for many reasons.
“Any Christian who dares to read these books for pleasure, runs the risk of getting the same demons that book’s marketing machine admits “torments” the lead character.
Any society that makes sick sex a success deserves the judgment of God for its disobedient abominations (Titus 1:16).” -Bob Larson
Thank you Haley!
August 2nd, 2014 at 4:23 pm
“No woman wants to know that her husband is fantasizing about a woman other than her?” Oh man. Not to be the bearer of bad news but EVERY MAN fantasizes about all different women on the regular. He may not ever tell you, or admit it if he’s a conservative or is religious because he is taught that behavior is sinful. But he’s doing it… Christian, not Christian, whatever…. to think that your husband doesn’t have a mental catalog of fantasies is naive at best and dangerous at worst.
August 3rd, 2014 at 2:37 am
No one here knows who I am, so I have no reason to lie. I have been married for 15 years, and during that 15 years I have never fantasized about another woman. I fantasize and think about sex a lot, but those thoughts always involve my wife.
August 2nd, 2014 at 4:57 pm
Are you all nuts?
Okay. Yes. Fifty Shades of Grey is porn. In its barest forms. It is also poorly written porn. Yes it also portrays a very very unhealthy relationship and shines the wrong light on BDSM.
What I want to talk about is all of your views on sex. Like, what? I do believe sex was created by God and is primarily for procreation but it wouldn’t feel good if you weren’t supposed to enjoy it. There is nothing wrong with sex, there is nothing wrong with having sex with someone you’ve just met of that is something that YOU enjoy, there is nothing wrong with taking multiple partners at one time, threesomes and orgies should be held in higher esteem. Sex is archaic and natural and should be explored in everyway possible if that is something YOU desire. Each to there own. God is loving, what you do in the comfort of you bedroom (or other exciting locations) will not waver that love.
I am a christian girl. I have been raised as such by my father and at 19 I look at my teachings and I have qualms. Lust is a sin… Yeah no… Lust is what breeds the desire to have sex and sex is an act created by God… See the issue?
I have a loving partner and I have to admit we have some pretty great sex. We have not waited to marriage. Why? Because we love each other, whole heartedly. If my partner said he loved me before God, it wouldn’t mean that much to me, what means something to me is that my partner tells me that they love me.
My partner watches porn. I quite enjoy watching it with them. Do I fear that they love me less or are thinking of someone else? No because at the end of the day, they tell me they love ME not some other girl. My partner tells me that I am the only one for them, I believe them because I trust them.
I’m glad for fifty shades because it has opened the world to accepting one of Gods creations to its fullest forms.
Sex is also subjective. You may like simple missionary style that gets the baby making job done and someone else might like being tied up and have sex in crazy wild positions. No one is better than anyone. No act is holier. Sex is what someone makes of it.
God bless
August 2nd, 2014 at 11:28 pm
I just want to say, asimplemortal, that I love what you wrote. I’m 24 years young and I am in a commited relationship. And we have great sex. And I completely agree with you when you said, ” If my partner said he loved me before God, it wouldn’t mean that much to me, what means something to me is that my partner tells me that they love me.”
I also believe that no matter what men say, they do fantasize about other women, now wether or not it’s a deep fantasy is another thing. I know my man looks at other women, and hell he watches porn as well (and it does not bother me) but at the end of the day, he sleeps in the same bed as I do. It is me that he cuddles up to at night. It is me that he wants to be with. If he wanted these other women, he could have them, but its not them that he wants, it is me. It is just a fantasy that I know he does not look too deep into. Because I am the one who makes him happy, and he knows that I am the one that takes care of him. And I am the one that he loves whole heartedly.
I already have a big issue with deeply religious people, because they sometimes shove the Bible down your throat. I may not read the Bible every day, and I do not go to church at all.
But I know in my heart that God loves me unconditionally. He knew who I was before I knew myself, and I trust in that. He knows I make mistakes each and every day, but in the end, he still loves me and will never foresake me.
I have my beliefs and I do not try to push what I believe on anyone else. Because all that really matters is that I believe in God, my relationship with him is my own business.
August 4th, 2014 at 12:04 am
I LOVE your reply. I had sex when I was 19 and… Wait for it…. Got pregnant. You’re thinking I’m a slutty teen mom now, huh? NOPE. We got married when I was 20, had another baby and sex was great married, not married and when we just had met. Why? Because I was into it. And he was into me. And he loves me and I love him and that’s all there is. I read that book and you know, it turned me on to my husband even more at a time when my hormones sucked and I didn’t feel well. It was a marriage saver actually. Don’t knock it if you haven’t tried it.
August 2nd, 2014 at 5:13 pm
I have a dissenting view on this issue.
If a relationship is healthy and the sexual needs and desires are satisfied for both partners, I fail to see how looking at another man or woman could possibly threaten the relationship. It is when one person fails to satisfy the other that problems begin.
The women who were (early in the relationship) “wild animals” in bed; the men who could repeatedly satisfy………after time, people change yet the desires do not. The man (or woman) may accept the weekly “deed”, in missionary position without any passion or connection….simply to fill a human need. To believe a deep-seeded desire will suddenly end is, delusional at best. Some will not be satisfied by repeatedly denying his / her own desires.
People change but some things do not. When one partner wants to control the other, it is only a matter of time until the inevitable.
February 5th, 2015 at 4:21 am
It all depends if you follow of Christian world view.
August 2nd, 2014 at 5:38 pm
A very good post to share
Thanks Rebloging it : “The problem with 50 shades of grey ”
http://firmwarespot.blogspot.com/2014/08/download-vivo-xplay-stock-rom-and.html
August 2nd, 2014 at 5:45 pm
Thanks !! This post seems interesting.
August 2nd, 2014 at 5:47 pm
50 shades of grey is a story of two SINGLE people meeting and eventually finding out they have a lot in common. They fall in love, slowly, get married and start a family. Soooooo, what is the so called “problem” with this story????? The only problem I saw was the lack of proper grammer used in this blog. Also, read the book or see the movie before you decide to “blog” about it. Sincerely, Tiffany
August 3rd, 2014 at 1:30 am
First of all, it’s “grammar”, not “grammer”. Second, did you not have a problem with the grammar in the book?
August 2nd, 2014 at 7:00 pm
Absolutely fabulously said! Thank you! I’ve shared in on my fb page!!!! Just very true!
August 2nd, 2014 at 7:06 pm
You go girl, we need more people to stand up and tell others this is wrong, you are not being mean you are witnessing, and we as Christians need to do more of this instead of turning our backs.
August 2nd, 2014 at 10:40 pm
Please, please, everyone read Pulling Back the Shades!!! It’s very short and so, so good. It covers very well and very thoroughly all of the issues and questions being posted about here. Here are two videos with the author that are very helpful:
August 3rd, 2014 at 3:01 am
I am not a Christian. I have no interest in the religion. I got here through Facebook. I am replying because I hate the trilogy for different reasons that you haven’t stated.
I’ve read the first book. I couldn’t get through it. It was horribly written and the whole subject of S&M just irks me. Some back story, the story was created by a fan fiction wrister based on the Twilight Saga. Fanficts have a problem with being written in a very elementary style, and this one is very “high school”. Not only is that an issue with me the whole idea of someone enjoying beating a woman makes me very angry. I have a very strong personal “power” and the fact that some people revel in the thought of breaking that down and making me subservient and obedient to their every whim makes my blood boil with anger. Those are the reasons I hate the book. They are not Christian and I am not Christian. Regardless if the trilogy continues on to be a stout of
August 4th, 2014 at 11:42 am
OH MY GOODNESS!!!!! this is so well said. Thank you for posting this video. I love the analogy of cotton candy for breakfast. We really do train our appetites and if we constantly
fill it with junk food we WILL loose our desire for healthier options. thank you.
August 3rd, 2014 at 12:37 am
I am 22 and still a virgin (this is my choise). Most of my friends tease me because I haven’t gave it up. My friends are in shock because I’ve been dating my boyfriend for five years and we haven’t had sex yet (not even close), we are waiting for marriage. I love what you said about waiting until marriage and saving yourself for that special person. I want to give him the best of me and although he’s not a virgin he hasn’t pressured me and I know he’s a good man.
August 3rd, 2014 at 12:55 am
Amen, period.
And I say “Imma” too LOL
August 3rd, 2014 at 1:18 am
Yes! I know Matt Walsh did a blog about this too and it’s amazing how women will scream “Amen” if we blast porn, but justify this book to no end! The truth is, if this seems ok, you’ve been deceived. Point blank. If you want ideas, there’s actually a Christian website for that with all sorts of positions for married couples. It’s also funny how he’s talked about in the comments as a real person. I haven’t read it, but I was an obsessive woman over Edward Cullen so I know how it works. I’ve also been told. For one Christian to point out the sin of another is biblical. We are not to judge those not in the Church. For the other Christian to say that we shouldn’t judge because we have chosen to protect our minds from filth is absurd. Lust is adultery and adultery is serious. So serious that it the only reason Jesus gives for divorce. Also, when these first became popular, I asked a co worker what it was about (ALL the ladies were reading it). She knew I was a Chrisitian and she claimed to be one too, which really made this odd, and SHE told ME not to and that I wouldn’t like it. This in itself speaks VOLUMES! Anyway, I hope and pray that God opens his daughter’s eyes to the lie that’s been handed to them. I know in the case of Twilight there were actual divorces because women were comparing their husbands to fictional characters. Being that the Cullen’s were “good” twisted it in such a way that evil looked good. Somehow, the same sort of twisting has happened here but it progressively is getting worse. Anyway, great blog and thanks again!! God bless you and your husband for our faithfulness to honor each other 🙂
August 13th, 2014 at 1:35 am
Thank you!
August 3rd, 2014 at 1:38 am
Thank you for being brave and addressing this issue. My heart breaks for the ones who defend these books.
What I find especially difficult is the defense that it ends well. I suggest that everyone who offers that excuse to read it, volunteer in a woman’s shelter. After seeing the real results of women engaging in a sexual relationship with a damaged man, you might change your mind.
August 3rd, 2014 at 2:53 am
Some people get married for the wrong reasons though, including JUST TO HAVE SEX. I guarantee you that’s why so many younger people are getting hitched. They think it’s okay to have sex at a young age and get pregnant as long as you’re married. Marriage is just a piece of paper. You can go your whole life being “married” to somebody without it actually being declared by the government.
August 3rd, 2014 at 4:47 am
I’m going to go ahead and say how hilarious I found your article. Beliefs aside – I have plenty of hollywood celeb crushes whatever you want to call them and not once have I went to the extreme to fantasize. “Lusting” is natural. It comes natural you can tell me you haven’t been somewhere see a guy and thought to yourself wow that’s an attractive guy. Two- I’m married. I married my husband for more than looks so that being so were comfortable enough in our relationship to say, that’s a good looking guy or girl vice versa. It sounds to be like you’re very insecure and you want to let your religion take the fall for it.
August 3rd, 2014 at 5:55 am
Matthew 18:15
If your brother or sister sins, go and point out their fault, just between the two of you. If they listen to you, you have won them over.
“just between the two of you”
Proverbs 21:28
A false witness will perish, but a careful listener will testify successfully.
Matthew 7:1
“Do not judge, or you too will be judged.
Matthew 7:2
For in the same way you judge others, you will be judged, and with the measure you use, it will be measured to you.
Deuteronomy 18:19
19 then do to the false witness as that witness intended to do to the other party. You must purge the evil from among you.
according to the bible, you need to be punched in the throat in your sleep and have your eyebrows shaven off.
August 3rd, 2014 at 6:36 am
I read the books… all of them.. cover to cover… I have been married for 20 years and I never wanted my husband to be Christian, but it did give me some new ideas and bring in some fresh air.. It was well worth the read and I don’t feel dirty or ashamed because I read them… my husband and husbands all across this country are thankful for these books..
August 3rd, 2014 at 11:12 am
Just the other day I saw Jesus Christ reading these books. He said when he’s done, he’s reading Twilight. Obviously I’m kidding, so if Christ wouldn’t read them why should we?
August 3rd, 2014 at 1:50 pm
My husband looks better than Mr. Gray. It depends on how you go abound reading the book. My husband and I look for new ways to spice up our marriage and books like this help us out. We enjoy them together. Nothing wrong with that. Oh and we are Pentacostal Christians. We’ve been raised in the church.
August 3rd, 2014 at 4:53 pm
Hi Ladies! Been reading your posts and I must say they’ve been very enlightening! I thought the cutest thing said was, ” lock that junk up”! Made me laugh! I started reading the book a while back but after a bit into it I stopped. No, I’m not ” holier than thou” I just didn’t care for it long before it got steamy. Now the reason I’m writing is because you girls should be ashamed of yourselves! All this talk of Christianity has vividly shown me that I don’t want to be like any of you! I don’t need to list all of the offensive things about your self-righteousness. Suffice it to say that no one knows what happens behind my bedroom door because that’s private. “Hearing” all this bragging, insulting and hippocractic nonsense is very offensive! So I will leave it to you Christian ladies!
Might wanna pray about what you say,
Donona Wajda
Ps If I wanted to be sarcastic I would say, God bless you!
August 3rd, 2014 at 4:59 pm
Wow… I guess since I’m a lucky winner that is unmarried and 29 that I should still be a virgin. So sorry for I have sinned because apparently sex is only for married people and GASPS I have read the books.
I guess I am a horrible person for not having a husband and not being able to find one.
August 3rd, 2014 at 5:52 pm
Here’s the thing : I read the books and I strongly believe they are ment for married couples! Let me tell you what I liked from the books ( no porn or mild porn) : the depth of his love for her and how comfortable they were to each other while making love… Personally, I skipped over most of the explicit details of their love making and . Now, to be completely honest with you, I NEVER fantasized about the Christian.. When I read the story I always saw him with his Ana… and I never went to bed, read the books and kiss my husband good night!!! If anything, it prompt discussions about us and our love making…I really don’t see anything wrong exploring sexuality as a married couple!!
I agree with you that the world view about sex is different from God’s view, but I think everybody is responsible for what they take into their life’s and how they process it..
So take it with a grain of salt!
PS: I wouldn’t even dare to compare my husband with Gray because my husband was given to ME by God and he is beyond what I need, want and love in this world !!
August 3rd, 2014 at 6:12 pm
Well done Haley! I read some of the comments and I notice how many people are just focusing on sex. To me, your post mainly encouraged us to see view sex through God’s eyes and not the world’s eyes.
As a Christian woman, married for 29 years, whenever I focused on the sex alone, I got in trouble. I measured how our marriage was going by comparing it to how I was satisfied or not satisfied in the bedroom. When I focus on God and on my husband, the sex is secondary and I am able to experience the love and the affection my husband has for me no matter if the sex is wonderful or not (and when my heart is in the right place, it always is!) and I am able to love him back freely and completely.
God created the marriage act as a way for us to communicate the love He has put into our hearts for each other to each other. The beautiful thing about the marriage act is that it has the power to bring life – new life in the form of a baby, enkindling new life in the relationship, renewing the foundation of love. What a powerful thing.
Thank you Haley for this post. God bless you!
August 13th, 2014 at 1:31 am
Thanks! God Bless ya right back 🙂
August 3rd, 2014 at 6:47 pm
Beautifully communicated, Haley. I love that you shared “straight up.” My heart is deeply burdened for CHRISTian women who are deceived (or even – just plain belligerent) about pursuing this. Thanks so much for putting this out here.
August 3rd, 2014 at 7:16 pm
I agree that some women not most women fall into the lust catagoy for this book or any erotic book but there are a huge number of women who do not, this includes Christian women as well. I want to point out a few things your blog is missing since it is all focused on the lust aspect and sinning:
Yes CG was a man and Ana was a woman that started out on a road of sin in their relationship… What you all fail to see from these books is that while CG’s character was dark and set in his bdsm ways Ana was the light for him. It was a give and take relationship from the start he wanted her and she wanted him, he liked kinky sex she was a virgin, he introduces her to his world and she accepts… No rape no coercion… She wanted him to try to have a relationship where he did not need a contract and he began to see he did not need it either. Guess what she never signed the submissive contract she changed his world. She did sign an NDA (non disclosure agreement) which meant she could not disclose anything about CG to the press but that was it.
On to my point, does God not teach us to love those we love unconditionally flaws and all???; To try to being love, happiness, courage, selflessness to those we care for…
Most women who love this book, love it because it shows that even someone who has been abused and messed up and feels as though they are not worthy of love can love and do find love in return. It also shows that Ana is courageous and loves this dark man and wants to help him see that he does deserve to be loved, comforted, and that he can have Vanilla sex so to speak instead of the red room all the time. The character of CG wanted control because he could not stand to be touched; Ana showed him that through love he did not need to be afraid of being touched or afraid of giving or receiving love that although he was abused as a child and as a teen he could overcome his issues. Was it instant no, was it perfect to gods standards no, but Ana stood her ground for the man she was falling in love with.
These characters do get married and have children and love each other deeply, while having vanilla and even the occasional kinky stuff. So while everyone is more focused on the sex and the kink and the possibility that all women only read this book or any erotic book to lust, most of us read them because the love story behind all the sex is actually a beautiful journey that shows that life is not perfect and bad things happen to good people and not to give up because someone is different or life sucks. Most women know how to read between the lines and see the good in a story erotic or not…
If they got married and then had sex and it was kinky there would still be a debate about it being read or made into a movie because of the fact that bdsm is involved. That is just how this world works. Murder is a sin but yet we all flock to our tvs every week to watch CSI or any crime drama or even Dexter…
Day time soap operas are filled with sin, sex, murder, cheating, abuse, etc but I bet every one of y’all tune in everyday to see your favorite soaps….
So in closing you can have your opinions and you can choose to hate or love this book/movie bottom line is to each his own and we all have to answer to God when it is our time to answer, you know in your heart why you like or do not like this series but do not assume that the majority of women in this world are lusting for a relationship like CG and Ana’s. Saying this would be like me saying because you watch soap operas, if you do, that you are sinning, lusting over the soap men and want to have a life like the soap characters…
August 3rd, 2014 at 8:28 pm
Wow , so much talk over a Book. I can honestly see both sides . I was raised as a Christian but with that I did read these books, although I did put them down a few times while I disagreed with some. But that’s the great thing we don’t all have to agree or have the same opinion. I think there is a problem with the whole sex issue though. Everyone is almost made to feel as though it’s forbidden. There are few conversations about it and many seem ashamed for it. I think this is where lust becomes a problem. I think we should talk about it more in a positive marriage way and yes even read about it. If you have a healthy happy marriage it’s not going to make you want anyone other then the one you lay down to every night . Out of all the sins we ignore these days, we pick reading a book to point out as a sin. A sin is a sin. I’ve read a few comments on how we are to point out sins in others according to Paul . The bible is a guide to help assist you in living the best life for god. I believe we need to stop using it as a tool to use against and judge others by.
August 13th, 2014 at 1:30 am
Hey there! Check this follow-up blog out. It’s a lot less about judgment than you may think. Thanks!
August 3rd, 2014 at 9:26 pm
You nailed it! It was refreshing to read this.
August 3rd, 2014 at 9:28 pm
I was a virgin until I married the love of my life at 39. Yet I had an active fantasy life that started when I was like 13, because I thought that it was better to dream it up than to actually do it, because even Christian girls raised in the church have urges. But that did damage, too because it made me feel so guilty, I when I got the real thing, it was still hard to separate this acceptable sex from the dirty kind. I tell this story because unless we are having discussions about the beauty if sex, it will seem like something worth waiting for, and not like something awful you are avoiding until it suddenly becomes holy.
August 3rd, 2014 at 9:33 pm
Thank you so much for posting!! I posted something similar when the Magic Mike craze broke out among Christian women. I was honestly shocked at the responses I got justifying lust because it was “just a movie” or “just for fun”. The Word’s instructions are clear: keep your eyes on what is pure AND we are most definitely called to judge those WITHIN the church. Thank you again!!!
August 3rd, 2014 at 11:12 pm
You did a fantastic job of saying exactly what I’ve been thinking but couldn’t put into words. I actually started reading the first book but had to stop because I could feel Satan messing with my mind. It wasn’t the sex that bothered me as much as the warped relationship between the two of them. Thank you for writing this. Keep up the great work!!
August 13th, 2014 at 1:29 am
Thanks, Tina!
August 3rd, 2014 at 11:29 pm
Reblogged this on Normdave's Blog and commented:
I have never read this book, and have no intentions of reading it or going to the movie version. This is the second blog I have read concerning the book/movie and, it is a good one.
August 3rd, 2014 at 11:33 pm
I never really liked the book, I mean why read something that your mind doesn’t need anyway? Great article! 🙂
August 3rd, 2014 at 11:34 pm
Thanks for articulating what I have been thinking! I can’t even talk about the topic with people (even Christians) who think that even a lot of porn is okay, but most Christians will acknowledge porn is wrong. These books that are blatantly descriptively pornographic don’t seem right to me, either. I can’t comment on particular books or even movies, since I haven’t seen them or researched them deeply, but I’m glad that you wrote on this!
By the way, you are listed on Word Press’ top 10 blogs of the day on my Dashboard. You go, girl!!! 😉
August 3rd, 2014 at 11:47 pm
It’s called freedom of speech. Don’t like it? Don’t read it. But to sit there and judge everyone who does is downright despicable. Who are you? Thou shall not judge.
August 3rd, 2014 at 11:59 pm
There are MANY circumstances in which marriages DO turn out to be a big ‘ol mess one, two or three years down the road. No one is perfect. People change and make mistakes and can’t forgive and forget those mistakes. I think you live in a fairy tale. No one is head over heels their entire marriage.
August 4th, 2014 at 12:06 am
Hey Haley,
Thanks for the post! I definitely agree with you that 50 shades is porn and your views on sex. (I’m actually shocked to see some of the comments from women who identify as very religious!) What I’m wondering is this:
By your logic, it seems like ALL romance novels and chic flicks should be included in the “sin” category–even ones without a single sex scene. They can all make your spouse feel inferior, cause you to lust and be dissatisfied with your marriage. So where do you draw the line?
Ally
August 4th, 2014 at 3:59 pm
Hey Ally! Thanks for writing! I understand your point and I getcha. I’m gonna write a blog that answers your question tomorrow, but I don’t wanna leave you hanging- so here’s a quick answer. For me it’s not about being anti-romance novels or chic flicks. We do have to be careful about content and what we take it. I don’t have an issue with all romance novels or chic flicks. I like a lot of them myself (chic flicks). Majority of movies do not have the content of 50 Shades. Twilight doesn’t. But the issue is the glorification from some women about the characters. Initially, the reason why I wrote this blog is because some of the reactions from women on the men in these stories. There’s a difference in loving a story for a beautiful love story, or wanting the guy to get the girl, and having a thing for the male character or actor. We are going to see good looking people the rest of our lives. That’s just the nature of it. But it’s important to keep our hearts and minds in check. It doesn’t need to go from saw a good looking guy to thinking about good looking guy to wanting good looking guy. Does that make sense?
August 5th, 2014 at 3:24 am
Thanks for the response! That makes total sense and I’m looking forward to reading your blog post! My hubby and I have been talking about romance novels and click flicks and how they seem to distort a lot of people’s expectations. Anyway, I’ve been having a hard time articulating why I think some are OK and others aren’t, so this helps!
August 8th, 2014 at 3:24 am
Hey Ally! New post is up! Hope it helps. Sorry it took a little longer than I planned!
August 4th, 2014 at 12:23 am
You should totally check out Theology of the Body by Pope Saint John Paul II! You’d love it!!!
August 4th, 2014 at 12:38 am
I agree with jane. Shes the voice of reason. If you dont want to read the books then dont but dont write about those of us that did read the books and tell us how wrong we were for doing so.
August 4th, 2014 at 12:54 am
Great points! I don’t think this is a series that Christian women should be enjoying at all. 50 Shades isn’t God’s beautiful version of sex, it’s the total opposite…which says something.
August 4th, 2014 at 1:52 am
Where to begin with what is wrong with this article haha, let’s just go with the opening paragraph:
“Picture this. You’re in the kitchen warming up supper and your husband comes home from work. He says hello, kisses you, and lays a plastic bag on the counter. In the plastic bag is book with a naked lady on the cover in a provocative pose. You get on Facebook, and you see he has liked the fan page of the book. You see that he has shared the book’s movie trailer on his page. You see that he is discussing with all his guy friends publicly who should be the actress portraying the naked girl on the book cover. He is discussing which lady in Hollywood is the hottest, has the biggest breasts and butt, prettiest face, etc. He is saying how he wishes the naked lady’s character was real. How “she” is so “fine”. How “she” turns him on. Picture that he logs off Facebook, gets in bed with you, turns on his lamp and starts reading this book- beside you. No shame. No hiding anything. Then he kisses you goodnight and goes to sleep without saying anything about any of that.”
Answer: You have a man who is completely comfortable with expressing himself, and isn’t hiding anything from you. He trusts you implicitly and feels that he doesn’t have to live in shame or fear of judgment from the one person who is supposed to love him the most. He has a relationship that he is happy in, one that allows him to be himself. Now you can role/gender swap this all you like, it just happens to be a man they are speaking about.
My issue is that from the get-go, this lady had absolutely NO COMMUNICATION WITH HER HUSBAND. She just stood by and silently judged everything he was doing, without asking him about it. This article doesn’t denote a relationship or a marriage, it denotes the conduct of a prison, and a censorship of another human being you purport to love above all other men. This is insecurity and manipulation justified through the use of Christianity, which is a horrible use of a religion that advertises acceptance and unconditional love in the face of anything. This lady is worse than a lousy Christian; she’s a lousy partner. Your husband or wife isn’t a possession, they are your peer, your partner, and if you truly believe that, then a naked woman in a movie or a book isn’t going to remotely change that. Religion teaches faith, and from what I read above, there’s absolutely no faith in that person’s other partner.
I’ve never read the book, probably never will. It’s an inaccurate portrayal of the BDSM/Fetish lifestyle, where fetish doesn’t lead to sex, fetish IS the sex. It’s a lifestyle that requires the utmost levels of trust with another human being, and takes discipline and mutual respect to accomplish.
I’m not into BDSM or anything of that sort, but you know how I know this? Because I communicated with people who do. This is how you achieve happiness, you embrace others and accept them for who they are or openly communicate the things that you can’t accept or make you uncomfortable.
Respect comes from telling each other the truth. People generally don’t like the truth because it leaves someone upset and hurt, but when you get over it you realize that it was given to you for the best reason of all: because they cared enough to tell you straight.
August 4th, 2014 at 4:26 am
This is a pointless article. Written by someone who has zero knowledge of BDSM or a D/s relationship. Just because I read this book and have the hots for Christian Grey doesn’t mean I wish my boyfriend was like him. Or that I’m not satisfied with him, or our sex life. My boyfriend constantly jokes about a specific pornstar. Am I jealous? No. Because there’s no way he would end up with her or anything so why beat my self confidence up over it. Same goes for this book. Christian Grey isn’t even REAL. Only someone with a lot of insecurities would feel threatened by a BOOK. Good lord. And this is so biased coming from a religious point of view. Just because you’re wrapped up in Jesus and the bible doesn’t mean BDSM is a sin. A D/s relationship is consensual. And the 50 Shades series isn’t a great representation of it. Christian Grey did some things, such as stalking Ana, that isn’t normally apart of a consensual BDSM relationship. You took this book way too literally and personally. And I doubt half the people here have even read it. Get over it. Enjoy your relationship without trying to drag a book into it.
August 4th, 2014 at 5:12 am
I haven’t seen the movie or read the books but I can see how they might cause some women to stumble. I’d be the first to admit that I am one of them. Many women like myself are drawn to the fantasy world portrayed by romance novels, TV shows, and movies because their own personal reality is abusive, neglectful, harsh, or just cold.
From very young my reality taught me that men couldn’t be trusted. My distrust and hatred toward men only grew through my teens. Then I turned my life over to the One who had been pursuing me and loved beyond my wildest dreams. The healing began and still continues close to 40 years later.
Eventually I met the man who became my husband. Though we loved each other he also had a very cruel reality growing up and needed to heal.
We both needed something from each other that neither of us could give. I continued to retreat into sexual fantasies fueled by the type of shows discussed in this blog. A few year’s back I met a married man who seemed to match my fantasy expectation. I had an emotional affair and it almost ended my marriage.
Things have improved in our marriage but we both have health issues that affect our libido. But marriage is not just about sex. It is about love, respect, honor, trust, commitment and giving. These are also the elements that will make great sex. Without them it is nothing but lust.
August 4th, 2014 at 11:35 am
This post was so well put. Thank you for writing it. I know that there are a lot of people kicking at you for being honest and truthful but that is the life of a christian now a days isn’t it? The idea that Christian’s can’t speak into each others lives because EVERYTHING any more is just”between me and God” is so sad and destructive and so I solute you for being bold and speaking up. thank you
August 13th, 2014 at 1:21 am
Thanks so much!
August 4th, 2014 at 1:26 pm
wow, you just took all the human nature out of men. I donot know any man who has not fantacized about another woman. Its in their natre. I have read all of the 50 shades, and if I thought my husband was fantacizing about the character in this book, then fine…. if he did not act on it then there is nothing wrong with it. sex is good and holy created by God, and there is nothing wrong with anyone living this lifestyle if that iswhat they like. There are hundreds of thousands of men out there who act on this human nature and DO cheat on their wives. I would thank my husband for being honest and telling me that she is hot, or prety, and sexy, becase He is married to me…. He loves me…. not her. Thousands of women are selfish and take things the wrong way. They have its all about me attitude. In my experience, being married for two decades, women do the exact same thing…. Behind their husbands back…. which is also a sin. Cheating is a sin… Being honest with your husband or wife is NOT.
August 4th, 2014 at 1:36 pm
Reblogged this on Better Not Bitter.
August 4th, 2014 at 1:42 pm
I find the attention that is paid to this trilogy fascinating. The books are so poorly written that they have become a joke. Indeed, they actually make Twilight look intelligent. Just the sheer number of times the words “inner goddess” appear should alert us to the inane nature of this work.
Further, the books don’t teach us anything new. S&M has a long history, and women have been reading trash like this for decades. I guess what puzzles me is that Christian women are now attempting to justify the consumption of this type of material. Gone are the days when we felt guilty for reading trash; now, we join the world in celebrating it. To be fair, of course, few people (Christian or secular) actually argue that the books are well-written. ~ Nothing that this blog says contradicts scripture. If you feel the need to defend your actions and if you have no defense for your actions aside from “Judge not,” then you probably already know that you should not be consuming this type of material. No one on this blog can judge you, but there is One who can. If you feel defensive when called on your behavior, you may want to ask yourself why/
August 4th, 2014 at 4:14 pm
Well written. I must say I love to read. After I became a Christ Follower I research what I am wanting to read so that don’t get wrapped up in a book that is inappropriate. The only reason you are getting some of the blasting responses is they already know you are speaking the truth. I will share this. Keep on writing
August 4th, 2014 at 6:46 pm
I wish there were a rating system for books…like they have for movies. Many times I started a book only to lay it down because I don’t want to fill my mind with the ‘pictures’ my imagination creates.
August 13th, 2014 at 1:20 am
Thanks, Sarah!
August 4th, 2014 at 5:13 pm
Very well said. I agree, now teach men to have the same morals. Seems men need this information more than women do.
August 4th, 2014 at 5:45 pm
total side not here but this I found interesting. there is a young man who reviews things on YouTube from what I gather and he decided to watch the preview of 50 shades and from the minute and a had preview that showed no out right sex his reaction was, and I quote, “so this is just an extended porno right?” Now I’m really curious how people who have read all three books in their guts and “glory” can say other wise when one minute and a half of a what, two hour movie, gets the porno theme across….
August 4th, 2014 at 5:51 pm
Thank you for posting this. When these books became popular I chose not to read them because of what I had heard about them. I know dome people Christians included think there is no harm in these books but there is. I was not a virgin when I got married and my husband and I have to fight our pasts enough when it comes to intimacy. So I don’t need a book that is just begging us to look at Christian Gray and telling us if our husbands don’t add up they are lacking. I have also read in other articles that the view if sex in this book is not at all biblical. God gave us creativity God gave us sex God gave us each other . You don’t have to turn to books like this get creative in the bedroom.
August 4th, 2014 at 6:43 pm
Thanks, Haley for your candor and courage to speak up about this topic. It reminded me of something I heard on a podcast – here’s the basic gist of it: ‘A marriage relationship is a picture of the relationship between Christ and His church. Can you imagine Jesus committing the acts against his bride that are committed in ’50 Shades’? No, He would honor, cherish and protect her.’
August 13th, 2014 at 1:18 am
Great stuff.
August 4th, 2014 at 7:08 pm
You know I have to say thank you for posting my fiancee and I gave been struggling with this very subject of sex for the last fwe weeks but now after reading your article you have helped us stay on the path we set back when we first started dating 2 years ago so god bless you and thank you so much again.
August 13th, 2014 at 1:18 am
Congrats, Rachel! Praying for your future marriage! Awesome stuff.
August 4th, 2014 at 8:00 pm
Truth. Love that you said everything that I’ve been thinking!!! Keep speaking life and truth, sister.
August 5th, 2014 at 3:40 am
Very good
August 5th, 2014 at 9:00 am
[…] The Problem with 50 Shades of Grey.. […]
August 5th, 2014 at 11:50 am
Ok i’ve read a lot of comments on this and I don’t agree to an extent. I actually did not like these books because the grammar was horrible. The story is actually truly beautiful but it was hard to get passed the inner goddess which was dumb. I do read Shayla Black and other good authors in the same subject. So if I read a whodunit novel am I promoting murder in my mind? No, im just escaping for a few moments until I go back to the kids, bills and the normal life again. The problem lies in you have no idea what people are thinking about while they are reading. For the record I Only fantasize about my gorgeous hubby. We take the place of the main characters in my books. How does that harm our marriage? Life is messy, I was not a virgin passed 5 years old and I didnt see the value in maintaining virginity that had been lost to me so young. These books were like therapy to me, learning to let go of control in a controlled environment brought me closer to my hubby. It helped me heal. What I am saying if you go through life with that direction and you get derailed it’s devastating. Its nice to see stories where the broken are made whole again. Through the awesome power of love. I identified with Christian alot bc of his past and the feeling of not feeling worthy of true love. I agree with the view of watching what we put in our thought-life as I don’t watch horror movies, but I think saying its dangerous to our marriage is over reaching.
What we do in our marriage bed including what we choose to set the mood really shouldnt matter as long as we are both on board.
Oh and the one person who said would you read this if jesus were right there, he actually is, and I am not ashamed especially when my hubby is next to me.
Although thinking about God watching me have sex in general is a little unnerving.
August 5th, 2014 at 1:10 pm
Ok. This article started off really good putting yourself in your husband’s shoes. I was thinking they were good solid arguments. Next thing I know I’m reading ‘sex before marriage is bad’ and ‘god this, god that’. What does that have to do with anything. It’s just a book! Why bring god into it!? You are judging people just as bad. People that read this don’t automatically become sluts who want Cristian Grey. I’ve never even read these books and your arguments annoy me
August 5th, 2014 at 2:26 pm
First I have to say I did read and enjoy the 50 shades of Grey books. However, I wish when I was younger(in my teen years) someone would have said these things to me. I plan to print this out and use it as a reference when it comes time for “the talk” with my girls in a few years.
August 5th, 2014 at 3:12 pm
Maybe you should have all of your facts straight about a book you’re going to give options on but clearly haven’t read.
August 5th, 2014 at 3:43 pm
Someone had to say it Haley, kudos on your words. Besides, the book 50 shades of grey IS Shady already. Why doesn’t someone pick apart the book the “Song of Solomon” and get deeper revelation and make that into a movie… after all that story was true and written many years ago. 😉
August 5th, 2014 at 8:05 pm
Wow. I guess I hope that God keeps you in your boxed-in, naive, ignorant bubble enough to protect you from the real world. It’s very clear you’ve never stepped outside of it and probably never should. Might be too “Rated R” for you.
I’m a Christian. And this post makes me sick. Telling Christian women one more thing they should feel bad about? That’s cute. I hope to God that less than 5% of the women who read this take it seriously.
First off — advocating domestic violence in retaliation to your husband lusting after another woman?
Maybe that was meant to be a joke. But speaking from my experience as having coming from a home of physical abuse, and a social worker who works with victims of domestic crimes, you should feel absolutely ashamed of yourself for inciting such an unthinking, belligerent, and awful comment. Doubt you will, but ya know…those Christian bubbles sure are comfy aren’t they?
Also — there’s this really cool thing called “freedom of the press” and “freedom of speech” and because of that, writers can write books like this and you know what? IT’S NOT A SIN TO READ THEM. As a published writer, I reject censorship in literature. And who exactly are you to say what these women’s motives are when they read 50 shades of grey? Do you know their hearts? Sure seems like you think you do.
Pride comes before the fall.
And while it might be fun to sit around in a pow-wow of Christian women, circle-jerk style, bashing books like this because it makes your self-righteousness surge give you the warm and fuzzies and want to burst out into a Chris Tomlin worship song, there are believers and followers of Christ who look at this kind of garbage and not only laugh at your ignorance, but feel absolutely sorry for you.
Best of luck.
August 5th, 2014 at 11:22 pm
Hi Jamie! Calm down, my friend! Breathe. We’re gonna be alright! I’ll have a new blog this week that may better help you understand where my heart is. Hope you check it out. Thanks!
August 6th, 2014 at 12:07 am
Are you a fan of the series, Jamie? Why else would you feel the need to write such a hate-filled diatribe in retaliation to a post that was well thought-out and….calm?
I know it’s a foreign thing in today’s world to call a sin a sin, but seriously, there are actually some things that are sinful! Just because we have freedom of speech and freedom of press doesn’t mean that everything that comes through either medium is “OK”…..how is that logical at all? Since those freedoms are guaranteed by the Bill of Rights as opposed to the Bible, your meshing of the two doesn’t quite work.
Part of being in the world yet not of the world (John 17:14-15) and not conforming to the world (Romans 12:1-2) is questioning whether the things that the world is fawning over are OK for us as people who claim Christ’s name. When people run screaming after this series, it’s a good reason to check it against Scripture. If it stands up, great! But this doesn’t….not by a long shot.
August 6th, 2014 at 8:45 pm
Whether I am a fan of the series isn’t the point, my friend.
But since you chose to pull the Pharisee card, I’ll go ahead and play my hand:
1) the post was calm?
Did you miss the advocacy of domestic violence? Punching your husband in the throat is cool when weighed against scripture? What if a husband said that about his wife “I’d punch her in the throat…” Doesn’t sound so calm and cute and well thought out does it?
2) My response was hate-filled toward the premise of this piece of writing, not the writer behind it.
Accuse me of hate and you will have incited an argument with me that you won’t win.
3) freedom of press doesn’t mean that because some Christian women think something is a sin that it’s not “OK” to write about. We are allowed to publish whatever we want. How is that logical? Read the Constitution.
4) Have you weighed Harry Potter against scripture? If you have, you’ll find that witchcraft and sorcery are equally as condemned in scripture as sexual immorality.
How about Hunger Games? Uncle Toms Cabin? None of those books would be okay when weighed against scripture.
That’s why they are called fiction.
Just like 50 Shades Of Grey.
Americans are not all Christians. So yes, it might be foreign to call a sin a sin as you say but that’s because we are a country made up of immigrants of all races and religions. In your Christian study groups that’s fine, call a sin a sin, but remember that that’s not what everyone else sees it as.
Maybe instead of telling Christian women what they should think about a book series we Christians should be out there….ya know…tending to the cause of the refugee children at our border. Or the massacre in Gaza or police brutality? Are you aware of those problems in our country?
Doubt if Jesus was walking the earth right now he’d be standing behind a campaign to get woman to not read 50 shades of grey.
August 8th, 2014 at 3:27 am
Hi guys! New blog is up that might help you understand my intent better. Hope you’ll check it out!
August 6th, 2014 at 12:44 am
Love this! Going to kiss my hubby right now!
August 6th, 2014 at 2:08 am
Hi there. I’m a strong independent gay man who don’t need no woman or god, and I think your husband is damned fine.
August 6th, 2014 at 2:36 am
HAHA! Thanks for cracking me up! He’s a good dude. 🙂
August 6th, 2014 at 6:57 am
I have read the trilogy. I can say it contains explicit scenes but beyond is a beautiful story on how two lovers conquer their fears and haunted past to stay together, how christian grey changed for the sake of love.
August 6th, 2014 at 1:26 pm
No matter your opinion about the book, if that’s all you got from this wonderful article you missed a very good read! The book was only a preface to a lovely written piece that I enjoyed very much. I personally do not have a strong opinion one way or the other about the book. But I did appreciate how Haley went into healthy details how that I can talk to my daughter about sex and how God wants is to understand it. As I grew up sex wasn’t allowed to be discussed because it was ‘dirty’ and ‘sinful’. It took me long after I was married to realized its a gift to be enjoyed with my husband and not a bad thing. I want my daughter to understand that one day. So I say thank you Haley!! Great job
August 6th, 2014 at 3:03 pm
I respect and totally agree with everything you say. If you have ever read the book it about more than just sex. The story us actually quite profound. Just my opinion. Very ironic that i found that post on the day I launched my I blog that will be mirrored after the story not the sex. Thank you for your insight and words of encouragement for my someday future husband 🙂
Blessings,
Jennifer
Check ot my blog at http://Www.39shadesofpink.blogspot.com
August 6th, 2014 at 9:05 pm
I would just like to say that I have read these books, plan to see the movie and discussed who should play the leading man but my marriage is as stable and solid as it’s ever been. While I may find other men attractive, and openly voice that to my husband, or enjoy books and movies such as these, my husband and I trust each other completely and we both know that the other is where they want to be. My husband is flattered when I say I think another my is attractive because, while I find that man attractive, I choose to come home to him and live my life with him and him alone. He likes that I don’t get all twisted out of shape because he points out a pretty woman because he knows that he can voice that without worry of being accused of something he isn’t doing because I trust him. It’s all in how you look at things…if you make things negative then they will be. It’s only a problem if you make it one.
August 6th, 2014 at 11:48 pm
So you dont like the book because you pretend to know what God wants. Or doesnt want in this case. Interesting. Reminds me of when The Da Vinci Code came out and the Christian right staged boycotts because it was ficticious and not based soley on biblical teachings. Nevertheless, it was a great book that actually sparked historical interests for the Christian faith. If you dont want to read it, dont. But i read and watch things that i dont always agree with to learn new things. Hence, this blog.
August 7th, 2014 at 12:15 am
So some of the stuff you said was good. but here’s the deal: there’s a very low amount of virgins out there. And it’s wrong that girls give it up young because of all the reasons you listed. But I am 20 and I saved myself for someone I thought was worth it because honestly, I knew I wouldn’t be able to have a sexless relationship before marriage. No way no how, and no offense but I like guys who are willing to protect me against STDS, wear condoms and basically not rape me. So I waited and found a guy. And no we aren’t married and heck we probably will never be. And I’m not one to go kiss and have sex with random people even though I have the oppertunities. So please, think of the girls who may have not waited until they found the perfect one, but waited until they found a potential one.
August 13th, 2014 at 1:10 am
Hey Anna! Thanks for writing! I understand what you’re saying. Check out this follow-up blog if you don’t mind. I think it might shed more light on my motives. https://haleymorgansmith.wordpress.com/2014/08/07/are-you-all-in/
August 7th, 2014 at 1:50 am
Why in the heck would anyone want to read 50 Shades of Grey when they could read ‘Redeeming Love.’ Someone else commented that women read 50 Shades because of the whole best of both worlds thing, how a man can fulfill them in looks and in companionship…well….Redeeming Love is the same dang thing but MUCH better written in both content as well as literary merit.
Or Janette Oke’s Canadian West series. Once again, Wynn Delaney is an attractive guy who is respectful and kind. Good gravy ladies, there’s so much better out there!
August 7th, 2014 at 3:34 am
This is great. Its fantastic to see a lady’s perspective on this subject. I’ll be sharing this entry on my website at staywed4life.com
August 7th, 2014 at 6:08 am
And this, is the problem with Fifty Shades:
“that the need to know is wealthy well to do men, don’t go fir those girls….they go for the real girls who are smart and independent and who are smart enough to sexually save themselves for the one they marry.”
Wealthy well to do men?
So is this the goal for a woman?
Sure, all men want a woman who only cares for what he can do for her. /sarcasm.
And here I thought a loving relationship was one where both strive to edify and build one another up. But what do I know. I’m only a man.
A man who views C. Grey’s acts as that of a predator, a malignant narcissist attempting to instill Stockholm Syndrome on his prey.
August 7th, 2014 at 9:01 am
[…] their flesh-and-blood Christian husbands against the ink-and-imagination Christian Grey. One woman, a Mrs. Haley Morgan Smith, writes: “Poopoo on you, Christian Grey. Jeremy Landers (her husband) is the finest, sweetest, most […]
August 7th, 2014 at 3:00 pm
Great blog. I have followed the posts and read the responses, wow- almost all.
The question here is this? Who do you really believe Jesus to be? Do you really believe the Bible is true? If you reject both of these then I see how and why you choose this. But because I love Jesus, I find issue with those here claiming to be followers of Christ, Christians, and publically and quite unlovingly proceeding to rip this blog and all its beliefs apart. That is a serious contradiction.
It doesn’t matter what Haley or any person says about how you are living your life. But Jesus matters. And because He matters, Haley should matter to you as a fellow believer. And yes, sometimes christian people and their reasons will be wrong or imperfect. We are all sinners. We are not perfect. But keep in mind these things even if you disagree with this blog:
1. The Bible says that ‘Without faith it is impossible to please God’. Has the Holy Spirit prompted you to read/watch this? Do you have a peace that you are acting in faith? Hence, is this pleasing to God? Not talking about to your husband.
2. Does the reading/ watching glorify God and bring you closer to him? Again, not talking about closer to your hubs. Are you, as a result of this walking out your faith better, praying more, studying your bible more, hearing God speak to you more in your quiet times with Him?
3. Can you back up your choice with scripture that reading/ watching this falls in line with Gods teaching, the Bible. All other reasons will be contradictory and harmful to you.
We lie to ourselves all the time. The world lies to us constantly. And our enemy, the devil, wants to destroy us even through things that seem fun and good like entertainment. But God will never lie to you. He will always love you and is ready to forgive us when we fail. But make no mistake about his holiness and righteousness and how He desires us to live.
August 7th, 2014 at 4:01 pm
Good stuff!
August 7th, 2014 at 5:00 pm
[…] based on some of the response I’ve seen about the book and movie “Fifty Shades of Grey” (If you haven’t read it, you can here). A lot of people read it. Some people loved it. Some people liked it. Some people wanted to give me […]
August 7th, 2014 at 6:23 pm
I have just a few thoughts. Every man and woman that I know looks at and thinks about other people of the opposite sex. It is instinctive and normal. My husband and I included. We have a fantastic marriage and we know that the other is the only one we want and will come home to. You cannot deny that you had a fleeting thought that the cashier at the grocery store has gorgeous hair or that the pizza delivery guy has nice eyes. Does it mean that you are still thinking about those eyes when you crawl in bed with your husband later that night? No. Because I find my husband’s eyes far more sexier because of the life and intimacy we share and those are the only eyes I want to look into and have look at me. Does it bother him that I enjoy reading this genre of books? Not at all. Does it bother me that he looks at pictures of scantily clad women? Nope. Now, I will admit in a past relationship, it did bother me. Looking back, I was insecure and thought I wasn’t good enough for him. I am comfortable and confident in my marriage. I married my Mr. Grey and have no doubt that we will grow old and happy together. As for reading these books in bed next to him being disrespectful? It isn’t like I am whipping out a vibrator and getting off on reading these books. It is a book for crying out loud. Words. About monogamy and trust. If you take out the steamy scenes, the story is like a fairy tale. It is about the relationship of a nobody girl and an emotionally scarred, rich man. They have their ups and downs and in the end, they get married, have babies, and live happily ever after. I respect your opinion but wake up and smell the roses if you really think your husband does not look at other women and if he tells you he doesn’t, he is a liar. Psych 101. And if it bothers you that he thinks about other women, reach down and come to terms with your own insecurities. Because at the end of the day, there are far more important things to argue about with your husband.
August 8th, 2014 at 7:55 pm
I have to point out that just because everyone does it does not make it ok. I refuse to buy into a lie that just because everyone does it I should too. I am secure in my marriage I love him more than anything. If you think these books are harmless that simply is not true. My husband respects me when he refrains from watching porn or keeps his thoughts to himself concerning other women. I know he has them he knows I have them about other men. But I don’t have to make a point to say wow he is sexy. In my opinion that is DISRESPECTFUL. Just my thoughts.
August 7th, 2014 at 6:32 pm
Because this is bias it really holds true to only those who believe in a supernatural human not the sane (at least half of this speaks only to christians) Not all humans set the right and wrongs according to a book that tells stories that predates homo sapiens. Sin to them is the physical act of not the fantasy act of.
Just my thoughts on this (don’t waste your time I wont come back to this page probably)
August 7th, 2014 at 6:51 pm
I didn’t read all of the comments but scrolling down, I noticed someone said she “doesn’t allow” her husband to watch porn. What is he, 12? I have never ever told my husband what he can or cannot do. Do you allow your husband to tell you what you can and cannot do? I am not trying to be rude. I am dead serious. A marriage is about communication and cooperation….dictating is a whole other thing.
Someone else said that most women would get upset if their husbands watched porn. Why? I don’t care if he watches porn. Hell, there have been several occasions throughout our marriage when I couldn’t have sex and was thankful he had porn to distract him. Did it effect our relationship? No. He was still my husband. He still showed me affection and took care of me and our children when i was unable to. It isn’t as if he cheated. What do I do, get mad at his hand? I am glad his hand can make him feel good when I can’t. Does he chose porn over real life sex with me? Never. I had a friend ask me while I was on strict bed rest with my last pregnancy how we were coping with months of no sex. For me, I missed it but cuddles and kisses were more than enough to fulfill my intimacy needs since I had over 10 lbs of babies inside me towards the end. For him, intimately? That was enough too. But physically? Have at it buddy. One less thing I have to stress over. Haha!
August 8th, 2014 at 10:57 pm
Where as I can’t say I don’t care if my husband watches porn, I also do not tell him like he is a child that he “is not allowed to watch porn”. This is a GOOD thing. My husband being one who has watched porn in the past with his ex wife who made a HUGE deal out it, it only made it more desirable to him. With me bc I don’t make a huge deal out of it he has said that it completely takes the “fun” out of it per say.
Do not mistake this for me saying that I think watching porn is okay, because I don’t think it is.
August 7th, 2014 at 6:52 pm
[…] https://haleymorgansmith.wordpress.com/2014/07/29/the-problem-with-50-shades-of-grey/ […]
August 8th, 2014 at 12:35 am
Hey guys! Just posted a follow up blog to this one. Hope you’ll give it a read. https://haleymorgansmith.wordpress.com/2014/08/07/are-you-all-in/
August 8th, 2014 at 4:27 am
I read all tree books of Fifty Shades of Grey and loved them. Yes the first book had sex in it, but that’s not all. As you read along, you see Ana and Christian’s relationship grow. They fall in love, get married and have children. The second and third books give more insight as to why Christian is the way he is and you see him evolve into a wonderful husband. And to make it more entertaining, they throw in car chases, kidnappings, etc. And I didn’t LUST after anyone while reading. I can’t wait for the movie to come out. As for talking about who should play Christian, while reading, they describe him, so you get a mental picture of him. So when they show this actor or that actor, and women comment, it’s because that actor does not fit her mental picture of who Christian Grey is.
I usually read non-fiction books, how-to books, etc, but, I am so glad I read Fifty Shades. It was awesome.
August 8th, 2014 at 11:01 pm
I still find it extremely ironic that everyone keeps saying “it’s a love story!!”. Do you really think they made the movie because of the love story in it? Have you seen the trailer? They are trying to sell sex!!
August 11th, 2014 at 4:08 pm
Beautifully written! I love every word written and I couldn’t agree more with what you said. Marriage is the most wonderful gift from God and we need to cherish that every single day.
August 19th, 2014 at 11:54 pm
Reblogged this on Precious Perspective.
November 9th, 2014 at 7:56 pm
[…] design for sex. Since it goes so well with my theme of In and Out, I am posting a link to it here: https://haleymorgansmith.wordpress.com/2014/07/29/the-problem-with-50-shades-of-grey/. The image for this post is from her […]
November 16th, 2014 at 8:39 pm
Part of the tension here is whether that degree of sexual creativity is permissible *in* Christian marriage. People, many frustrated, simply can’t discern it from any biblical text because those boundaries are ambiguous if not utterly absent.
January 2nd, 2015 at 6:16 pm
The problem I have with what you said is that you obviously haven’t read the books. Yes, Ana and Christian initially start out not being married but the do end up married with children. If you are in a relationship you can use these books as a script to enhance your relationship and keep things alive, which is the reason most men cheat…their wives are to pretentious due to their Christian upbringing and will not do things to keep their marriages alive. If you are unhappy in your relationship then I can see how women can lust after Christian OR these books can be used to enhance your relationship.
January 15th, 2015 at 5:35 am
[…] The Problem with 50 Shades of Grey […]
January 19th, 2015 at 4:52 am
Can I just be the one to say that ALL of these “shame-on-you’s” you just laid out for ladies in your “hypotheitcal” scenario at the beginning of this post- the what if your husband did these things back to you and right in front of you scene you painted….statistics show, the overwhelming majority of our husbands are doing MUCH worse things in SECRET. At least as women, our silly vampire movies and silly Team Edward Shirts are OUT IN THE OPEN for everyone to see. Our men lead a much darker SECRET lifestyle of pornography, lust, and adultery. No, men are not the victims in this scenario and society in general. I don’t feel sorry for all the husbands of the wives that read 50 shades of grey or that went to see all the Twilight movies.
I know this is not a game of whose sin is worse than the other. I know GOD sees all equally. But I think blogs like this, shaming women for problems that men’s sexual desires created, is not helpful.
January 31st, 2015 at 3:52 pm
I’ll check back to your blog when you are 40. A book is what you make it. A movie is what you make it. Life is what you make it. I actually was part of a book club at SCHOOL when Fifty Shades came out. Several professional adults (who are Christians, gasp!) would get together and have the best hour laughing and carrying on about these books. We are all married. We all love our husbands, and I can assure you, our husbands reaped the benefits of us having these stress relieving book chats. Let it be said that my husband was so humored by my giddiness over the Twilight Series and Fifty Shades that he read it right along with me. We are all in our 40’s. We are all great people. We are all just trying to make the best of it. Life is stressful enough without all the judging and condemnation. Relax.
February 1st, 2015 at 11:17 pm
If you’re religious and have you’re own beliefs then that’s all fine. But if you really have ever read the bible, then you would know it also states YOU SHOULD NOT PASS JUDGMENT ON ANYONE. You are not god, and you don’t get to decide what/who is right and wrong. Just something for you to think about…
February 3rd, 2015 at 10:00 pm
Hi Haley!!!
First off, I want to say YOU GO GIRL!!!!!! You did an awesome job writing this!!! Seriously! I usually only skim articles people share but I actually read the entire thing! Lol I so agree with you. So many times I read (I guess I should say skim) articles that are trying to justify why it’s ok to break away from the bible or to get as close as possible to that line of looking like the world without any conviction. And your article (or blog I guess I should say) was nothing like that! In fact, it was challenging people to be more like Jesus and his teachings and less like the world and it’s extremely low standards. As Christians we should be insane lovers and followers of God and wanting to display Him more and more, not the world. Not even giving the appearance of evil. Thank you for not bending or wanting to walk away from the Bible just to please others or themselves. Keep standing strong! I pray the lord gives you a voice to keep speaking out, regardless of the negative comments that come rolling in! A verse (or verses) came to mind as I read this for you:
“Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven. “Blessed are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted. “Blessed are the gentle, for they shall inherit the earth. “Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness, for they shall be satisfied. “Blessed are the merciful, for they shall receive mercy. “Blessed are the pure in heart, for they shall see God. “Blessed are the peacemakers, for they shall be called sons of God. “Blessed are those who have been persecuted for the sake of righteousness, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven. “Blessed are you when people insult you and persecute you, and falsely say all kinds of evil against you because of Me. Rejoice and be glad, for your reward in heaven is great; for in the same way they persecuted the prophets who were before you. (Matthew 5:3-12 NASB)
Keep loving and seeking Jesus and standing up for righteousness! You rock, Haley! May the Lord use you powerfully! 🙂
February 5th, 2015 at 12:59 am
[…] The Problem with 50 Shades of Grey.. […]
February 6th, 2015 at 12:56 am
This was a very well thought out and heartful thing that u’ve writen, these books killed my relationship with my gf, she wanted me to be like the guy in the book, ( I’m not gonna refer to him by his name because I refuse to add to his so called fame) I respect her to much to even think about acting out such things. Yes as like any couple we had “experimented” in the bedroom but it was comfortable and it wasn’t degrading. I don’t want to tie a woman up or beat or what ever was going on in the book nor the movie. I don’t get pleasure outta inflicting pain of any kind, sorry I’m such a wimp. Do I love her, yes, do I still love her even though we’re not together anymore, most definitely. those books make me feel like less of a man and then some. I’m prepared to stay single for the rest of my life. I’m not saying it’s a dbl standard because I’m a man that I can do or watch etc whatever I want. Now just to finish this up and stop bothering you, I’ll just keep to myself and I will not make any sort of contact with anyone and no I’m not going to be a hateful scorned woman hating man.
Thank you for listening
Sincerely steven camp
February 6th, 2015 at 2:00 am
[…] https://haleymorgansmith.wordpress.com/2014/07/29/the-problem-with-50-shades-of-grey/ […]
February 6th, 2015 at 4:35 pm
[…] https://haleymorgansmith.wordpress.com/2014/07/29/the-problem-with-50-shades-of-grey/ […]
February 10th, 2015 at 1:02 pm
I am very disturbed by some of the comments by the “Christians”! Have you seriously read the BIBLE?! Satan is the master deceiver and can twist anything and I do mean ANYTHING into making it appear harmless to us in order to pull away from being HOLY as God has called us to be! Satan puts this kind of “romance” out there and then Christians justify reading it because it is “fiction” is nonsense! Do any of you realize what being DE-SENSITIZED is? We are told to read God’s Word and we are Changed through the RENEWING OF OUR MINDS and all this kind of crap does is pull us away from that. Do you remember the children’s song “Be careful little eyes what you see?” We as Christians need to protect our hearts, minds, ears, eyes, our entire being from the crap this world and Satan are putting out there so that we can become more like Christ and LESS like this world! PERIOD! I highly doubt if any of us were standing before Jesus at this very moment and had that book in our hands or were sitting in a movie theatre watching the movie we would be proud to say to Jesus we were reading or viewing either one! We are called to be SEPARATE from the world yet be in it in order to show the world Jesus. No wonder our lost friends, family, and this world no longer take us or Jesus and eternity seriously!
Thank you so much for posting this blog and May God Bless You!
February 11th, 2015 at 4:06 pm
its blogs like this that make the rest of the world think Americans are stupid.
February 11th, 2015 at 7:15 pm
Even not speaking biblically it is in moral to make your significant other feel belittled me it does not and would not bother me if my girl friend was to read this book I’m taking her to see the movie but in this situation of life shoes are on both feet of spouses it happens both ways woman say man I wish my man would do that stuff to me and men say damn I wish my girls ass looked like that in them jeans as human beings we tend to lust and we tend to fantasize does not mean your spouse does not care about you or love you