Why, hello people I love.
If you follow this blog, you know I am all about being honest to the point of being embarrassing. I mean, I told ya’ll that I’m scared of vomit and that I pronounced “Muppets” wrong till a few months ago. It’s pretty clear by now that I’m an odd duck. Today I want to be very honest with you about something I’ve never shared publicly. I’ve wanted to share about it for the last couple of years, but have refrained out of fear. I like to think of myself as being very bold, but at the end of the day I DO care what people think of me and I would never want to offend or hurt anyone and have anyone mad at me. That said, I’ve prayed about this for a long time, have received confirmation and feel like it’s just time to put it out there. I think my experience could help some people.
Yesterday, I posted a status on my Facebook Page about being hurt by the church. If you didn’t see it, you can read it HERE. In the last year, there has been a recurring theme for people that come and speak with me after a concert or event and that is that they’re trying to figure out where to go after being hurt in a church situation. I got a few messages last night in response to my status. Most were very encouraging, a couple not so much and that’s OK. There are people who have had terrible experiences with church and are angry and hurt and SO “DONE” with church, and don’t want anyone to excuse the behavior they witnessed from their church leadership. I understand this because I have been there.
I have NEVER, EVER, not been in church in some capacity. It’s not a pat on my back, that’s just how I was raised and how my family worked. My pawpaw was a preacher and started the church I was born into and grew up in till he passed. My father was a deacon. My aunt was the piano player. I was at church an hour before it started and an hour after it ended. Sunday mornings, Sunday nights, Wednesday nights, baby showers, birthday parties- when the doors were unlocked I was there. There was only about 50 of us, maybe less. It was an incredibly rare bond. The people at that church were family. When I was 15, my dad sat me down to tell me we’d be leaving the place I had considered home for all of my life and looking for a different church. Without too many details, he had witnessed some pretty rough stuff from some of the leaders, confronted them, and the corruption continued. I can remember the last day we were at the church, my father had to stand in front of the congregation and tell them he was resigning as a deacon and why our family was leaving the church he had helped build. That’s the first time I ever saw my dad truly hurt. Many people supported my dad, some didn’t. Those some were all people who I had trusted and loved all of my life. In a matter a minutes, they were completely different people to me. A family was broken. Not much more than a year later, that church had completely disintegrated. It was empty, the pastor had quit ministry all together, and many families were broken. That was my first experience with being hurt by the church.
Not much too long after, my family joined a new church. I went to youth group, I made some friends, I grew, but at the end of the day it just wasn’t the same. I was very skeptical of trusting or getting too close to anyone. Finally, some years later when I started college, walls started to come down and I began to like church again. I started to get more involved. The people there were lovely and became like family just like before. I started to serve some. One of my college classes required me to be an intern for some sort of ministry, so I began to intern at this church. The internship went way better than expected and I was soon moved to a staff position. During this time, I had been starting what is now my job and ministry, but I wasn’t completely sure if that’s what God wanted for me. And frankly, the idea of traveling and doing ministry the way I do now terrified me. The church job was much more steady and “comfortable”, if you will- ESPECIALLY for 21-year-old.
After a few months of being on staff, things were going very well. The church was growing pretty rapidly, especially for the area. There was obvious growth in people. There was growth in myself. God was doing some really cool stuff. I thought, “This is it. This is what God wants me to do.” I felt fulfilled. I loved my job. I loved the people. I loved seeing how God was working and how He let me be a part of that. There were MANY people there who loved me and encouraged me in an authentic way to whom still love and encourage me to this day.
As “mature” as I thought I was, I had a GIANT blindside. I began to do something my father had told me never to do. I began to put my hope in people. I recently heard a person say, “ I don’t go to that church because it’s about ‘cliques’.” If that person would have said that to me 5 years ago, I wouldn’t have understood what they meant. The truth is, there were some incredible people in this church, but there was a pretty blatant issue with “cliques”. It was kind of like a high school thing. Certain people hung with certain groups. I was well liked, brought something new and fresh to the table, very visible and I found myself in the clique that I guess would be considered the “cool kids”. Looking back, it was really people who I guess considered themselves the ones who “ran” the church. Not necessarily all staff member, but some staff and leaders who “felt” as they were who made things happen. I was 21 years-old and they were what I considered as “grown ups”, much older than me. I looked up to them.
I was the “it” kid for a little bit and I liked it. I liked that they liked me. As time went by I started to see small things that didn’t set right with my spirit, but I was too scared of them not liking me to step up so I kept my mouth shut and in some cases participated. It became OK to have a little gossip session about people who went to church with us but weren’t in our little group. Then it went from a little gossip to something way, way deeper. I started to hear and see agendas that I knew were not at all of God and I became incredibly uncomfortable. The things I saw can only be best described in one word, sin. My head was spinning. How could these people who I had known, looked up to, and trusted for years do these kind of things behind closed doors and then act completely different on Sunday mornings. It made no sense. After a while of just watching, I decided to take a step back say something to a leader in this group that I trusted more than probably anyone in my life at the time. That’s when the whole game changed for me. I went from the “golden child” to “problem child” in one conversation. That group went from loving me to doing anything they could to either keep me quite or get me out entirely. If they didn’t hate me, they were sitting on the line of it. I had never experienced anything like that in my life, not even in school.
Several months later, I resigned and quietly walked away. I told a close friend and my dad some about it at the end, but for the most part I was silent. I was done. Checked-out. And I, with no exaggeration, HATED church. I HATED CHURCH. I was so angry and hurt that I found myself depressed. I mean literally sick with anger and hatred. I was so angry with God. I was livid with Him. I couldn’t for the life of me understand why people I trusted and were supposed to live with higher standards had tricked me, lied about me, lied to me, hurt me, were doing it to others, AND He just let it happen! I wasn’t perfect by any means, but I tried to be faithful to Him and felt He had left me out to dry. Not only was I angry with that group of people and God, but I was angry with myself. I hated myself. I believed I was worthless, stupid, and a failure just as I believed that group wanted me to. For several months, I quit church. The only time I’d go is if I had to sing (which at the time wasn’t a lot) and even then I was uncomfortable. A friend invited me to their church. After many no’s, I said yes. On the way there, I felt sick. When we pulled into the parking lot, I. LOST. IT. I screamed at the top of my lungs how angry I was with God and how angry I was at those people. I loved them and they let me DOWN. I love you God, and you have let me down! I screamed, cried, the whole nine. I turned around and went home. The next weekend, I tried again. I got in the building, but all I could think when listening to message is what messed up thing these leaders were doing behind closed doors. What hypocrisy was being hidden. What secrets there were. I was so insanely jaded. I was sick with unforgiveness.
Some people that have been hurt before fall off the rails and get into stuff they never did before when they were in church- like partying or saying they’re an atheist or whatever. I didn’t do that. I still knew God’s authority,I was just royally ticked off at Him. I fell off the rails in my anger towards Him and hatred towards people. I didn’t trust God anymore and that made me sad. Then out of nowhere, God used someone random in my eyes and not so random in His to speak truth in my life. The reason I was so angry, wasn’t the fault of those people or God, it was because I had allowed myself to get that way. I had let hatred and unforgiveness invade my soul. I blamed God for something someone else did. And I held those someones in a higher place than what was reality. Reality was, those people were just that, people. Is what they did messed up? Unequivocally. But here is the deal. These people were sinners. Just like me. We are all messed up in some way and that’s why grace is such a big deal. The problem was, I had put my hope in something other than Jesus- People. And I had been burned.
There was something missing in the whole scenario with both churches that could have changed everything: ACCOUNTABILITY.
Both the congregation and leaders need accountability.
For those who have been hurt by the church- I do not make small of your experience. It is a pain unlike most. We are most vulnerable at church, and so when we’re hurt it burns like no other. But here is the TRUTH. The church was created for un-perfect people. It is a hospital for sinners, not a museum of saints. The only perfection that is in there is Jesus. Pastors and leaders are sinners and they mess up. So if you put your hope in people, even a pastor or leader, you’re gonna inevitably be disappointed. Pastors didn’t become perfect when they accepted their calling. They are still broken people in need of grace just as you are. I understand the “held to a different standard” thing, but the truth is they aren’t immune to sin. I encourage you if you’re not in church because of a bad experience, to understand not all experiences are alike. I encourage you to find a church, if you don’t have one, where you can grow. Where God is the focus. But don’t expect a perfect church, because there simply isn’t one. Ask God for discernment. And don’t walk away from God because someone represented Him poorly. That’s not His fault. And I’ll tell you something else that would have ticked me off if someone had said it to me, you have to forgive those who do represent Him poorly or hurt you. Not just say you forgive, but actually forgive. You cannot let someone have so much control over your life when they are broken to begin with. We are a broken people. All of us. Jesus is the only whole thing in life. It becomes much easier to forgive when your hope is Him rather than people because you understand grace better. And you understand that it’s hard to love Him at your best when you hate someone He loves so much. It humbles you.
For pastors and leaders of church- I urge you to have some sort of honest, God-centered accountability. It is so easy to lose focus. Your job can quickly go from being about Jesus to how many bodies are in the seats, how much money is coming in, how modern and cool your church is, how cool you are, how people love you, how many laughs you get from that prepared joke, how many people you can get to come to the alter. All the sudden it’s about your ego. Satan hates you and wants to see you fall, so he’s gonna throw all that in your face. If you think you can handle that yourself, you are being naive. You are not immune to sin. Also, at the end of the day, even though you may recognize that you’re a sinner, people ARE watching you and making decisions based on what they see. Whether that’s fair or not doesn’t really matter- it’s GOING to happen. Just as it may be unfair for people to put that kind of pressure on you, it’s unfair to accept a calling and be irresponsible with it. It’s important to not make people watching you be your focus, but to be sensitive and aware of it. It’s important to safe guard your heart and stay focused and HONEST. I’ll be honest and say I am not immune to sin. I am blessed with older and wiser people to hold me accountable who I can share my deepest struggles with. The older and wiser people aren’t people who just say what I want to hear, but feed me truth. You can minister so much, that you don’t get ministered to. That’s a problem.
Too many times church becomes a fan club for the pastor and as I said in my status, that is so, so dangerous. If the church becomes about anything other than Jesus, it is destined to fail. If life becomes about anything but Jesus, it is destined to fail.
I’m no expert, but that’s my take on being hurt by the church. Most know, Jeremy and I attend North Point Community Church and that’s our church. Jeremy works there on a full-time basis and I lead worship there a good bit, but at the end of the day it’s our church and it’s where we grow and do life with people. Church is a lot different in a great way, because I have clear understanding of what it’s about as do the people around me. All that happened was years ago and I’m a little older now, although I’m still pretty young. What was a very painful experience is now looked at as a learning experience. I don’t know where that group of people are in their lives now, but I do know that if I saw them I would be able to smile and speak with them without being uncomfortable. And I can pray for them and be happy in the good things God brings to them. Because that’s what forgiveness does.
I don’t know if this helped anyone, but I pray it does… and that I don’t get hate mail. Because that would stink a whole bunch:) If you will, share this with your friends and pray God uses it to fix some hearts.
Talk soon,
HMS
Haley Morgan Smith is a Christian speaker, worship artist, and writer from Atlanta, GA. You can connect with her on these other sites.
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